We Don't Believe in God

We can't say we believe in God
Because we don't
Some of us do
But 'we'
Collectively
Do not

. . . . .

Arthur and Elyse got into a fight
At a dinner
That should have had nothing to do
With God

Arthur had come home from school
On Christmas break
And Elyse and I had taken him out
To a nice restaurant
Along with Abby
Who was worried about her college applications
But consented to leaving her pile of essays alone
For an hour or two
To have a meal
With her family

It should be mentioned
That Elyse and I
Are very proud
Of our children

Extremely proud

But when Arthur brought up his Sociology class
And their discussion on God
Elyse instantly looked scorned

It was as if
She knew what was coming

'There I was in class--'

Arthur was saying

'--And it just occurred to me.'

'What,' Elyse asked, disdainfully. 'Occurred to you?'

Can't you hear it?
Can't you just HEAR the italics?

'Occurred'

'That I don't believe in God.'

I still took a bite of my steak
If I was upset, I suppose I wouldn't have
But I did
So I guess I wasn't that upset

Elyse, on the other hand
Threw down her napkin
And slammed the table with her hand

'You DO believe in God!'

Arthur looked shocked
Abby as well
Elyse is not the type to yell

'No, Mom, I don't.'
'You DO!'
'I DON'T!'

This is where I step in
Because I'm the father
Because that's my job

'It really doesn't matter, does it, Elyse?'

I wanted to remind her
That at his age
She and I didn't believe in many things

We didn't believe in justice
We didn't believe in cynicism
We didn't believe anything
Our parents told us

Not believing in something
Is something you do
When you're in college

To be honest
I would rather have Arthur disbelieve God
Than me or his mother

But Elyse was not having it

'Leonard, tell him he has to believe in God.'
'Tell him what?'
'Tell YOUR SON that he believes in God.'
'I can't tell him to believe in anything.'

Abby, seeing that her mother was losing this argument
Decided it was safe
To join in

'Mom, it's not a big deal. I don't believe in God either.'

This was the final straw

Elyse got up
And stormed out

Let me repeat

She stormed out
On her own family

So

We finished our meal
And when we got to the car
She was waiting for us
Sitting inside it
Arms crossed
Staring dead ahead

'Hey Arthur, would you like to drive your old man's car?'
'Not a chance, Dad.'

She was silent the entire way home
And when we pulled into the driveway
I'd barely stopped the car
When she went charging out of it
Into the house

Abby spoke up from the backseat

'Dad, can I stay at Mandy's tonight?'
'Absolutely not.'
'Why?'
'Because somebody needs to call 9-1-1 while I'm prying your mother off your brother.'

When we went inside the house
I could hear the shower running

Abby and Arthur went to their rooms
While I tentatively poked my head into the bathroom

Elyse was sitting down on the floor
On the bright white tiles
While the shower slowly filled the room
With steam

'Elyse, what are you doing?'
'This is very soothing.'
'Wouldn't it be more soothing in the shower?
'I don't feel like talking, Leonard.'
'Alright then.'

I waited for her in the bedroom
She walked in a half hour later
Still not looking showered

She sat down on the bed

'We should have sent him to Catholic school.'
'Elyse, nothing will turn someone into an atheist quicker than going to Catholic school.'
'We should have gone to church.'
'We had other things to do.'
'What else did we have to do all those years on Sunday mornings?'
'I believe the Bible says Sunday is a day of rest.'
'And?'
'And there is nothing restful about getting two small children in a dress and a tie at nine o'clock on a Sunday morning.'

I could see how upset Elyse was
And I had to remind myself to be comforting

Not because I'm not comforting
But because all this emotion
Was a shock to me

She'd never struck me
As a particularly religious person

And this was my wife
Wouldn't I know
If this was the sort of thing
That would upset her?

'Elyse, he's still a child.'
'He's our child and he doesn't believe in God.'
'That doesn't mean we failed as parents. Just that we failed as Catholics.'
'We failed to show our child that there is a omnipresent figure in the Universe that rules over all things.'
'Don't be silly. We took him to your mother's house plenty of times.'

She stood up
And glared at me

'I'm glad to see you think this is a joke!'
'Elyse, if you tell me to, I will go into Arthur's room and ORDER HIM to believe in God. I will do that. But you must realize that will not actually MAKE HIM believe in God. Even if he agrees to!'
'It would just be NICE to have us on the same page here. We're supposed to be on the same team. We're his parents!'
'He's nineteen years old! We have done all we can do. There's no need for us to still be a team!'

As soon as I said it
I regretted it

I hadn't meant it that way
But that's what it was

Words are sticky things

Elyse put her head down
And shook it lightly

'Abby is still our responsibility.'
'I wasn't saying--'
'And she doesn't believe either.'
'But you believe, Elyse. So what does it matter if they don't?'
'Because we're a FAMILY! It's not enough that I believe. I want US to believe. WE have to believe.'
'Well, WE DON'T, Elyse. I'm sorry, but WE DON'T.'

At that point
I had just gotten frustrated
Because I felt she was being silly

To be honest
I believe in God
But I believe in him
The way I believe in politics

Whatever it is
It's there
It's something
And believing in it
Or not believing in it
Or having opinions about it
Or whatever
Doesn't change the fact
That it is an issue

That's what I believe
I believe God is an issue

An issue I try to avoid fighting about
Because you wind up
Talking for hours
For nothing

I went out on the porch
And smoked one of my hidden cigarettes
The one I keep
In the cookie jar
We got for the kids
When they were small

Usually the idea
Of having to pull a cigarette
Out of Mickey Mouse's head
Is enough to get me to avoid smoking
But tonight even Mickey
Couldn't hold me back

When I came back into the house
Elyse was sitting in the living room
With Arthur and Abby on either side of her
And neither one of them was crying or bruised
So I assumed they were their voluntarily

'Uh...is...?'
'Mom wanted to show us these.'

Elyse was sitting with a photo album on her lap
Leafing through old family photos

'Arthur, this is where you threw up on Abby at Niagra Falls.'
'Mom, is there a reason for this?'

Elyse put her arm around Abby
Then around Arthur
Then motioned for me to sit down

'I wanted to show you all these because I want you to see why I believe in God. Because I have all this. An entire lifetime filled with good things.'

Arthur shook his head

'Mom, I don't disbelieve in God because I don't believe there's good things in the world. I just don't think believing in God and believing in goodness are the same thing.'
'To me, they are.'
'Well, to me, they aren't. But if it makes you feel any better, I may not believe in God, but I still believe in you.'

He kissed the top of her head
And went upstairs

Abby said--'Yeah, same thing'

And followed him up

I sat down next to my wife
And took her hand

'You've been smoking.'
'Damn.'
'I thought the photos would do it.'
'You thought you could convert atheists into pamphlet carriers by showing Arthur a photo of him covered in vomit standing next to a waterfall?'
'I thought I could show him family. What's God if it isn't the binding that connects a family?'

I could have said that I think the binding
Is guilt and tuition
But I didn't think that would go over well

Instead I put my arms around Elyse
And pressed my cheek up against hers
Like we were dancing
At a Havana nightclub

'Let's use some perspective here: The Millers across the street recently found out that their fifteen-year-old daughter is pregnant with her mother's personal trainer's baby. Their son just got a tattoo that says "Bitches Can Suck It." Our son and daughter just told us that they believe in us. I think we're doing alright.'

Elyse nodded, slowly
But still, nodding
Very good

'But we don't believe in God.'

I pulled my head back a little
And looked her in the eyes

'I think God needs us to believe in each other more than God needs us to believe in God."

She nodded again
And looked down at the photo album

'Abby used to have the rattiest hair.'
'I remember.'
'You've been hiding the cigarettes in the cookie jar, haven't you?'
'How did you know?'
'I put Oreos in there last week and when I went to have one it tasted like it had been in a pub on a Friday night.'
'Sorry.'

And I sat with my wife
And looked at photos
Of our family

And I believed

In what?

Who cares?

I believed