Holly's Showbiz Sins

Well...

I didn't eat sausage this morning
Because I didn't feel like it
Then I lied
And told my mother
It was because I'm Jewish now
Even though she's not Jewish
So technically I couldn't be
Unless I converted
Which is just too much time and trouble

Plus then I wouldn't get to give these fun confessions

So I wasted food AND I lied!
How's that for a--

Huh?

Well...

I know that confessions aren't SUPPOSED to be fun
But there's no reason they can't be anyway
I mean, aren't you grateful I try to liven up my confessions, Father?
Otherwise you'd be listening to my best friend Carrie Alejandro
Tell you about how she sort of has a crush on Jesus
And not in an acceptable way at all

Why do they make nine-year-olds do confession anyway?
We haven't done any of the good sins yet
At least, I know I haven't

So sometimes I spice things up a little
Showbiz my sins a little
You know?

Like when I told you I conspired with my lover
To kill my husband
And you made me say three Hail Mary's

Did you actually buy that, Father?
Were the Hail Mary's just penance
For me making up sins?

This entire process is thoroughly confusing to me

For example, if one of the Blatte brothers
Tries to pull my hair
And I shove rubber cement in his mouth
Is that a sin?
Or just self-defense?

You may say one thing, Father
But my attorney says another

The Golden Rule also confuses me

'Treat others as you would like to be treated'

But I want others to FEAR me, Father
Does that mean I should fear them?
Shouldn't I be INSPIRING fear?

Can you clear any of this up?

Huh?

Right

Hail Mary's

Tell you what
How about I just skip them
And then confess to skipping them next week?

After all
We're going to need SOMETHING to talk about