Icarus

He came down at seven

I saw it

I saw it happen

Boy flew up
Flew hard
Flew into space
Then the right wing snapped off
Like it was peanut brittle

And he came down

Saw him stretch his wings before he did
Saw him lift his chin and smile

My wife Natie says I was just dreaming it
Just dreaming it every night
When I wake up sweating

She says at least I can sleep

She can't

She was his mother

I understand that

Sometimes she'll hit me

I'll be walking by the breakfast table
And she'll just throw something at me
Or flip her plate over

Food going everywhere

The doctor says it's 'cause she's dealing
She's just dealing by doing it
Same way I'm dealing
By thinking I saw him
When I couldn't have

The doctor thinks it's bad that two dealing people
Are living in the same house
All alone together
Out by themselves
But I say at least her dealing and my dealing
Don't run into each other too often

I got him high the first time

He caught me doing it
In the basement
And I showed him how
So he wouldn't say anything to Natie

I saw his eyes go up
And gloss over
And smile smile smile
And he was beautiful

I had a beautiful son

I told him that was the last time
We were going to do it
But he knew I was bullshittin' him
And so did I

Every once in awhile he'd ask to do it with me
And I'd beat his ass a little
Get him to stop asking

Then one day he did
But I knew why

Kept walking around
Running his hands against the counter
Tasting everything he could taste
Licking up life
Like it was milk and cream
And he kept telling me
All his dreams and nightmares

Natie knew something was up
But she didn't say nothin'

She started looking through his room
But he was smart

He kept everything somewhere else

A week after he came down
We went up in the attic
To find some boxes
To put some things in
And that's where he found it

His little stash

Natie flung the whole thing at me
Kicked at me
Pushed me
Until I went down the stairs

Saw her look down at me
Standing up there in the attic

I reached my hands up to her
And she walked away

I saw some of my stash in his stash
When I looked at it

And she knew

A woman knows her husband's sins

. . . . .

When he a kid
A younger kid
He liked model planes

Little airplanes

He'd spend all day in his room
Gluing 'em, fixin' em
Putting 'em together

I remember how fragile they were

You pick one up
And it breaks

A wing snaps
A tail comes off

He'd get so mad
Finally he just forbid anybody
To touch them

Once he started tasting
He stopped playing around with planes

I'd find him in his room
Laying on the floor
In front of the window

The sunlight broken up
By the panes of glass

He'd lay there
And come out hours later
With tan squares
All over himself

One time I went in there
Because I smelled smoke
And I found him holding one of his planes
Above his head

The light was coming through the window
In a narrow strip
And it had been aimed at the plane for so long
The tip of one of the wings
Started to smoke

I slapped the plane out of his hand
And it went flying against his bed
The whole thing falling to pieces
As soon as it hit the pillow

I picked him up
And shook him

I remember shaking him

Seeing this kid
Seeing a kid
Seeing a baby
Shaking him
Trying to get him
Stop stop stop
What are you doing?
Natie coming in
Pulling me off him
Him running out the door
Stop stop stop

The plane on the pillow
All broken up and in pieces

And I heard the car pull out of the driveway
And I knew

I knew he was going up

. . . . .

They came that night at seven
Told us
Let us know

They found him on a rooftop
Somewhere downtown
Near the Lincoln Trust building

He was all sunburned
From laying out on the tar
And his....

His stuff was all around him

He had sunglasses on though

Kept his eyes covered

That night Natie went into his room
Took every plane
And put them around the house
All around the house
Hung from everywhere
Laying everywhere
And she told me not to touch them
Not to step on them

What had I done?
What had I done?
What had I done?

She only thought I grabbed him
Thought I scared him
Thought maybe it was all the beatings
I'd given him

She didn't know

We hadn't been up to the attic yet

. . . . .

In my mind, he's a bird
He's not a boy anymore
He's flying

He's a flying boy
With wings
That aren't hooked onto anything

In my dreams
I see him go up and up
And I scream for him
To come down
Come down a little
Before you get so high
You can't stay up anymore

In my mind I'm not making any sense
Or speaking words
And I don't have a voice
Or a body

I'm just watching
Just watching

At least in my dreams
I'm there

Right up there with him

And I see him go down
I see the right wing snap
Of the model plane

And I try to go down after him
With him

I want to go down with him

And instead I go higher

I go up even further
Until I'm covered in clouds
And space

But at least before I lose him
I can see him smile

My dreams let me have that