If It Weren't for Jesus

If it weren't for Jesus
I would have left you
A long time ago

We sit in church
And listen
And listen
And listen

And I pretend to listen
And really
I fizzle

I hear the words
And I evaporate

I turn into a glass
I go through the glass
I become the opposite of present

And yet I stay
And yet I stay with you
And yet I stay where I am

Who I am
Where I'm at
And what I hate

I stay

I do this because of what I believe

I don't believe in myself anymore
But I still believe in God
And you
And this arrangement we've made
That we call a marriage

I want to have sex with everyone
And everything
I see

I find myself becoming aroused
By bookcases
And fields of flowers
And your mother
And the guy at work
Who sorts the mail

I'm a contradiction

I'm young and I am dead
I'm married and I am detached
I'm a believer and I am a fraud

Because if it weren't for Jesus
And God and twenty-something years
Of bullshit being fed to me
Like it was mother's milk

I probably would be the worst person
Walking the planet

So maybe I already am

That's what I thought
Today in church

I thought, what if I already am that person?

Because in my mind
I am

In my dreams
I am

The very top of my imagination
Would repulse you so much
You would probably leave me

And I'd be thrilled

If it weren't for people talking to me
Talking at me
All the time

Maybe I'd have a voice

Maybe I'd be some kind of person
Rather than a face
In a church
With a wife
And nothing else to hold onto
But fear

If it weren't for all that
I'd be happy

If I could get up
And walk out of that church
I'd be somebody

Somebody bad
Somebody good
Somebody interesting
Somebody damned to hell

But I'd be somebody

I'd be somebody

Wouldn't I?