Lexi Buys a Car

I would like to buy a car

No, I don't want you to show me anything

I do not want to be shown
A sensible, lovely little impractical car
That I can ride around in
Feeling like a single gal on the go

I want a fucking machine

And I can afford one

Because this morning in the mail
I received a package full of money
From someone named Gabriel

I have no idea who that is
And frankly, I don't care

Because after receiving the package
I, a little dazed, got into my car
My lovely, little impractical car
To head off to work, as I normally do
And suddenly there was the sound of metal breaking
And a puddle of blue fluid
Came gushing out from underneath the car

For a second, I thought my vehicle might be in labor
But then I realized it was probably something expensive within the car
Destroying itself

I suppose if people are like their cars
Then it's no wonder mine are always so self-destructive

I started to cry
My tears staining
My leopard-print steering wheel

(Apparently the previous owner of my car was a back-up dancer on Soul Train)

Then I realized...

I'm rich

Why was I crying?

Why was I wondering how much it would be
To fix this piece of junk?

And subsequently
Why was I still dating Enrico
The jobless vagrant
I picked up at a bar
Three months ago?

Well--

I got out of the car
I went into the house
I punched Enrico in the stomach
Threw him out the front door
Called a taxi
And came here

Now, here's what I want:

I want you to give me the shiniest
Prettiest, nicest little tank
You can find

I want something that can travel over sand dunes
I want to be able to take over small countries
I want to single-handed deplete the oil supply

Because I don't give a fuck

You should probably put that
Somewhere in the contract

Lexi doesn't give a flying fuck

All she wants
Is to drive a bigass jeep
That can run someone over
And keep going

I don't care how much it costs
I don't care about the 'downsides'
I don't even want a warranty

If it breaks
I'll buy a new one

And I'll turn the old one
Into a bomb shelter

I will do whatever it takes
Not to have you do that thing
Where you talk to me
Like I'm a moron

Because I know I'm a moron
I've been a moron my whole life

I've dated the wrong men
I've worked the wrong jobs
And I've purchased the wrong cars
All in the interest
Of doing what I thought was right

But now, I could care less

I just want a don't-fuck-with-me car

I want a don't-fuck-with-me-or-I'll-buy-your-house-and-burn-it-down-because-I'm-a-filthy-rich-bitch-now car

Can you find me one of those?

Thank you, sweetie

And while you're out there
Bring me some coffee

It's been a long day