The Opposite of Luck

Laura looks at the money

Six years since she last gambled
Six years since she stepped foot inside a casino
Six years since she showed up at her mother's house
Shaking so badly you'd think she'd gone for a February swim
And all because she went through eight grand in two hours

Laura looks at the money

A box full of money
From someone named Gabriel

It was probably one of her old betting buddies
Under an assumed name
Trying to get her back into the mix

Every once in awhile
They sent little cards
Stuffed animals

A seal with a pair of sunglasses
And a full house
Looking coy

But never money

Never anything like this

Was it real?

Was it real money?

...Her keys were on the dining room table...

'Ma, you all right?'

Benny was up in his room

She was supposed to go up
And help him find his basketball jersey
Before the game at six

'Benny, I told you, it's probably in your brother's room. He uses it to do the dishes with!'
'GROSS!'

Not really, she though, he doesn't do the dishes that often

Benny and Jay were kids
Just kids
Six years ago
When she hit bottom
And kept going

Now she never kept too much money around

She didn't have a debit card
She didn't keep lots of change

Any extra cash she had stayed with her mom
And she asked her for some whenever she needed it

'And what do you need it for, Laura?'
'Ma--'
'You asked me to do this.'
'I know, I know.'
'I don't like it either, but you asked.'
'I know.'
'What do you need it for?'
'I'm getting my nails done.'
'That much to get your nails done?'
'I'm going somewhere nice, Ma.'
'Come show me your nails after, all right?'
'All right, Ma.'
'Then go to your meeting.'
'All right.'

The meetings were strange

Meetings revolving around an invisible addiction

Everyone in the room
Looking like retired spies

Nobody with scars
Nobody with track marks
Nobody with physical shame

Just a bunch of people
Who couldn't keep their hands
Out of their pockets

Her brother Christian was a junkie
Who died of an overdose
When she was eleven

Six years later on his birthday
She played her first game of cards
And won sixty dollars
From her boyfriend and his friends

She thought it was luck

Later on she realized
That winning when you're a gambler
Is the opposite of luck

It's a victory just small enough
In the grand scheme of things
To keep you locked into the addiction

The rush is the same rush
Her brother probably felt
Right before he passed out on his friend's carpet
At four o'clock in the morning

Who dies on a Sunday?

People don't die on Sunday

She found her mother saying this in her living room
When she woke up that day
Ready to go to her dance recital

'That much to get your nails done?'

Six years after that she was the one on the carpet
This time her mother's
Crying into the red wine stain
Holding her stomach
Feeling like she was going to empty it
Like she'd emptied her bank account

And she owed more
She owed even more than that

Her mom got on the phone
And called her uncle
And two hours later
The phone rang
Letting her know
That the debt was absolved

She didn't know what her uncle did
But he was the kind of guy
Who could make your stomach feel better
Provided you shared the same blood

Her mom got down on the carpet with her
And held her
But when she spoke
There was an intensity in her voice
That shook Laura's entire body

'You will'

She said

'Get help'

She knew this was making her mom think of Christian
She knew what she was thinking

Another fucked up kid
Another Sunday morning phone call
And two grandkids in the next room
Sleeping over at Grandma's house
Thinking everything's fine

'You will'

She said

'Get help'

Footsteps down the staircase

'Ma, the jersey smells like ass!'
'Benny!'
'Butt, it smells like butt.'

She could tell the time

Drop him off at the game
Drop Jay off at his friend's house
Forty-five minutes to the casino
She could double this in an hour

People think when you speak like that
You're not aware that you could lose it all too

You're aware
But just like you tell yourself that a pizza won't ruin your diet
Or a drink won't ruin your sobriety
Or laying down on your friend's carpet
Won't mean your mother gets a phone call
Saying you never woke up

You don't believe it

You're aware of it
But you don't believe in it

That's how the gambling wins

The funny thing about someone obsessed with winning
Is that they never realize they're not winning
Only the gambling wins

It's the opposite of luck

'Hey Ma, what's in the box?'

She took Benny to his game
She took Jay to his friend's house
And she drove to her mom's

When she walked in the living room
Her mom was sitting on the couch
Watching some old Paul Newman movie on AMC

She put the box down on the coffee table

'What's that?'
'Money'

Her mother stood up

'I didn't win it.'
'Then where'd you get it?'
'Someone sent it to me.'
'Jesus, Laura.'
'I'm telling the truth.'
'Yeah, next you're going to tell me you need another manicure.'

Laura picked up the box
And shook its contents
Onto the carpet
Right near the red wine stain

'It's yours now.'

Her mother picked up a wad of it
And threw it at her

It hit her like leaves in the wind
And fell back to the ground
As her mom screamed at her

'I DON'T WANT IT!'

She started kicking the piles of money
Making it swirl up like a green tornado
In the middle of the room

'I DON'T WANT THIS IN MY HOUSE!'

She fell down onto the carpet
And Laura could see what her mother saw

Money is blood and drugs
And weakness is addiction
And gambling is Laura
And drugs was Christian
And luck was a myth

Luck got your killed

Because every time Christian shot up and stayed alive
He thought he was lucky

Every time Laura played and won
She thought it was luck

And every time her mother let them leave the house
And they came back
Looking merely startled
By what they saw
But not traumatized

She thought it was luck

But it wasn't
It was the opposite of luck

And a man sending you a box of money?

What was that?

Her mother knew what it was
And she didn't want it
And when Laura saw it
Spread out over the carpet
She knew what it was too

. . . . .

She sealed up the box
Covered over her own address
With a big black magic marker

Then she covered it up
With a piece of white paper
Taped over the marking

She took out the phonebook
Found a Gabriel in it
And wrote down his address

Then she mailed it back

Maybe it wasn't the same Gabriel
But it didn't matter

Whoever got the money
Might need it
But she didn't

She had her two kids
She had a house that was nowhere near paid off
She had her mom
She had a photo of her brother on her nightstand
She had six years

Six hard-fought years

And she had a meeting to go to

And that was luck

That was real luck