When We Had It All

When we had it all
We were mean

I remember being mean

I remember having a nanny
Named Jessica Donnelly
Who now runs a theater
That I interned at last year

She was like, 'I used to babysit you'
And I said, 'Oh yeah? Jessica! Right!'
And she was like, 'You were a little brat! Haha...'

But the 'Haha' was kinda like, 'Yeah, no, but seriously, you were.'

I get that a lot

My family used to own Tenders
The restaurant downtown
That went bankrupt
When my dad made some...poor investments

Before that
We were filthy rich

More filthy than rich, though

Because we were mean

When we had it all
We were not nice people

When we lost it all
We were not nice people

When you have it all
And you're mean
You can deal with it

Other people deal with it
Mainly because they're paid to

When you're broke
And mean
And you can no longer afford
To cut the Alonza the maid a check
When you throw something at her head
During a particularly bad temper tantrum

You start learning to clean your own damn room

I ended up interning at the theater
During my arts phase

I went through lots of phases

An arts phase
A science phase
A business phase
A pre-med phase

I guess it's because I lost that period of childhood
Where you're allowed to play out all the scenarios
Of what you could be when you grow up

A year ago
I actually wondered what the age limit was
At Space Camp

I guess I fared better than my parents

When we lost the money
My mother had to be admitted
Into a psychiatric ward

She wasn't actually crazy
She just needed to go somewhere
Where cleaning and cooking would be taken care of
And the Biltmore was no longer a viable option

If you think about it
A nice hotel and a mental institution
Really aren't that far apart

The doctors thought my mother was crazy

They said--Why didn't you bring her in sooner?

We said--She's been acting this way for years.

When you're rich, you're not crazy
You're just eccentric

Rich people can be crazy
It's just another luxury they have

It might even be a necessity

If you're rich and you're spending thousands of dollars on carpet
And you're in touch with reality
You'd be aware that people in the world
Are dying of starvation
While you're worrying about a patch of exposed wood
On the brand new hardwood floor
In your pool house

And that would make you feel guilty
And the guilt would drive you crazy
So it's probably better
To just be crazy anyway, right?

Right

Last year, during the astronaut phase
I started nannying

I nannied for this little girl named Faith
Whose parents were divorcing

It was weird working there
Because it the first time I had interacted with people that wealthy
Since my parents were rich

Faith was a much nicer little girl than I was
Which was a huge stroke of luck

Plus she had lots of imaginary friends
Which meant I didn't need to watch her all that much

Once her parents got divorced
They decided Faith didn't need a nanny
She just needed a child psychologist

I offered to put her in touch with my Mom's child psychologist

We couldn't have her see an adult psychologist
Because once they evaluated her at the ward
They found out that emotionally she's only seven

It's odd being twenty years older
Than your own mother

My father was very similar to Faith's father

Very high-strung

It didn't help that when the restaurant went under
My father blamed food

He actually blamed food
As in all food

And he swore he would never eat again
And die a martyr

A martyr to what I have no idea

I guess it wasn't a totally bad idea

He did lose seventy-four pounds

We were going to institutionalize him
But the hospital wouldn't take both him and Mom
And it was clear that she needed it more

She was insane, after all
He was just stubborn

The only way to get him to eat
Was to sneak yogurt into his mouth while he was sleeping
And hope he didn't choke to death

Guess whose job it was to feed him?

Eleven-year-old me?

You got it.

It worked--but my father started believing that he was some sort of deity
When he didn't die of starvation

He started what I guess would be considered a cult
Until the government stepped in

And now he sells self-help books
With titles like--

'You Don't Need to Eat'

and

'You Still Don't Need to Eat'

and

'You're Not Starving Yourself, You're Saving Yourself'

The books don't sell well
Mostly because they've been banned at every bookstore
That doesn't want dead patrons
But writing them still makes Dad happy

He wanted me to write a junior edition
Entitled--

'Hey Kid, Stop Eating'

But I declined

Now Dad, Mom, and I all live in an apartment
Just outside the city

I won't say it's ideal, but...

We watch tv together

It sounds stupid
But I like it

I like that we all sit on a couch together
And watch Wheel of Fortune

We never did that before

And the first thing I thought
When the package came today...

It was full of cash

Some guy named Gabriel sent us money

I'm serious
A box full of money

It didn't entirely surprise me

Some ex-members of my Dad's cult
Still send him gifts
But usually they send photos of themselves
Fitting into their old jeans
Not money

It was...

...More money than I'd ever seen

Even when we were rich.

I was all excited at first

I wanted to run into the living room
And yell--

'Mom! Dad! We're rich again! We can afford to throw things at people again!'

But when I ran into the living room
Before I could say anything

I saw Wheel of Fortune on the television
And I...stopped

I put the box in my bedroom closet
And I went for a jog

My family and me...

We're not good people
We're still the same people we were
When we had it all

But when I hid that money I thought...

We could still be good people again, couldn't we?

Maybe with a little more time?

But with money...

No way

Not a chance

So I took the money
And I buried it
In the park where I jog

Maybe some homeless person will find it
And buy a small island or something

I don't know how he'll get to it
Since he probably won't own a boat
But...

...It doesn't belong to us, that money

It's not even really that

The money doesn't belong...with us

We don't belong having money
It doesn't...work for us

So yeah...

I did get a letter from space camp though

Apparently they're starting an adult version

So see?

Today wasn't a total loss