When We Went to that Convention

When we went to that convention
We got name tags
With our names
Written in such a way
They didn't look like our names

Suddenly I became Emmy
With a curly 'y' tail
And bumpy lumpy hills of 'm's
And an 'E' that looked more like a three
And for the first time
Looking at my own name
Repulsed me

And you became 'Todd'
With a smiley face 'o'
And extra-long 'd's
And a 'T' that looked way too harsh
Like you're a serial killer or something
Like you're the clown killer
Like your name terrified me
Your scary-ass smiley face 'o'
Struck fear in my heart

These became our names
And our identities
And people who didn't know us
Thought we were dumb and psychotic

When we went to that convention
We stayed in a hotel
Where there was coffee in the lobby
And for some reason
I was overjoyed by this

I have a coffeemaker at home
That I don't use
Won't use
Can't use
Don't have time to use in the morning
When I run out the door
With my hair still wet

I walk downstairs to the lobby
And there's coffee
And I load up a cup
With eight spoonfuls of sugar
And a eyedropper drip of coffee
Because I just want a hint of coffee

And inevitably some asshole goes--

'Do you want coffee with your sugar?'

And I contemplate throwing my coffee at his crotch
But because it is, in fact, mostly sugar
It wouldn't really do much good

I rush into the ballroom
Where our seminar
On 'Intersectional Communication Tools'
Was already in its eighth hour

You were going to be even later than I was
Because we spent all night
In the bar across from the hotel
So as not to run into anyone from the convention

We sang 'Don't Stop Believin' eight times
And everyone yelled 'Glee!'
And it was like we were on 'Glee!'
And not in Journey
Even though Journey is the band
That actually sang the song to begin with

We drank bad beer
And stumbled back to our hotel rooms
Running into a woman on the elevator
Who we would later learn
Was the leader of the 'Intersectional Communication' seminar
And so we would feel extra bad
About pretending to be a dominatrix and her sex slave
While in the elevator with her

I especially regret saying--

'When we get back to the room, remember to put the rubber sheet on the bed. I don't want to have to boob-slap you again.'

When we went to the convention
We both hooked up with nerdy guys
From Van Nuys
Who wanted to marry us
After their first orgasm

We had to take turns
Having sex in the room
So one of us would go to one of the Van Nuys' room
And we would call each other
While they were showering
And swap details on the Van Nuys guys

'Seven?'
'Eight.'
'Shut up.'
'Seriously.'
'Is he--?'
'He's Jewish, Todd.'
'They're not all...'
'Yeah, they are.'
'Sometimes they switch religions.'
'Before that happens? That's a pretty early conversion.'

We laugh and meet up
At the diner down the street
Where we discreetly do impersonations
Of the men we just enjoyed our fornication with

We'll downplay how much we enjoyed it
But the phone numbers will still be in our phones
Under the letters 'VNG'

When we went to that convention
We spent company money
Including our food budget

Most of the food budget
Became a drink budget
And most of the drinks were filled with alcohol

We feel impressed with ourselves at the end of the week
When we realize that we spent a total of $20.00 on food

(Taco Bell is the best thing ever, isn't it? Why is there world hunger when there's a Taco Bell on every corner?)

When we went to that convention
We didn't learn a thing

We went to two or three seminars
Skipped the rest after signing in
Wrote false reports
Peppered with just enough words like--

'Symposium'
'Marketing potential'

And

'Unlimited Expansion'

--to make our boss believe we actually retained the information given to us

We totally wasted our time
A complete week of our lives
Lost at a hotel in suburbia
Where we still managed to find a dive bar
A diner and memories we'll have
Long after we've quit our jobs
In a dramatic and bridge-burning manner

And we'll save our name tags
In little boxes that we go through every few years
When we need a good laugh

And we'll say--

'What was that convention about anyway?'