(The Rabbit Tail Theater.)
PATRICK: Thank you all for coming. And congratulations on
a successful production.
a successful production.
TYLER: People really seemed to like it.
NINA: Well, I was the lead, so--
AMY: Did anybody forget their lines?
JEN: Just you, Amy.
AMY: Great.
CLAIRE: When do we find out what the next show is?
PATRICK: That’s why I called you all here.
MARTY: It’s not to throw me a surprise birthday party?
PATRICK: No, I didn’t even know it was your--Um…
MARTY: Oh. Excuse me.
(MARTY walks out of the room whimpering.)
NINA: Way to go, Patrick.
TYLER: Ohhh, so that’s why Jen is holding a birthday cake.
JEN: No, I just like birthday cake.
PATRICK: Anyway, I’m very excited to announce the next show.
JEN: Is it Alien?
PATRICK: We talked about this. That high school is going to get sued.
AMY: I don’t think they are.
PATRICK: They definitely are.
TYLER: Sigourney Weaver said she loved it.
PATRICK: Well, she’s wrong and so are they.
NINA: Does this mean we can’t do The Devil Wears Prada? Because
I bought a lot of handbags and you need to reimburse me before
my mother finds out I’ve been using her Discover card.
I bought a lot of handbags and you need to reimburse me before
my mother finds out I’ve been using her Discover card.
PATRICK: We’re not doing The Devil Wears Prada.
NINA: Then you made me buy all these handbags for nothing.
PATRICK: I didn’t--
TYLER: Who’s going to play Emily Blunt? Is it me? Can it be me?
PATRICK: We’re doing Picnic!
(A beat.)
CLAIRE: Um, didn’t we...just do that?
NINA: Like...we literally just did it.
JEN: That was...our last show.
TYLER: The one that was a big success.
AMY: I don’t know why. There wasn’t nearly enough picnicking.
PATRICK: It’s true. We did do it, and it did just close a week ago,
but, uh, well--Here’s the thing.
but, uh, well--Here’s the thing.
NINA: This should be good.
PATRICK: It turns out that there really aren’t that many shows left
that we either haven’t done or that some other theater hasn’t done or
that the audience, you know, actually wants to see, and everybody
really seemed to like Picnic so--
that we either haven’t done or that some other theater hasn’t done or
that the audience, you know, actually wants to see, and everybody
really seemed to like Picnic so--
CLAIRE: So we’re just going to keep doing it?
PATRICK: No, because, see, that production did really well--I mean,
I’m pretty just about everyone who wanted to see it saw it, so--what
we’re going to do is--recast it, get a new director, maybe, like, tweak
some things, and then bring it back. Like a revival.
I’m pretty just about everyone who wanted to see it saw it, so--what
we’re going to do is--recast it, get a new director, maybe, like, tweak
some things, and then bring it back. Like a revival.
NINA: How is that a revival?
PATRICK: Well, it’s a new production, so, it’s a revival.
JEN: But the old one just happened a month ago.
PATRICK: Right. But that was a month ago.
AMY: Do I still get to play the basket?
CLAIRE: It’s way too soon to do another production of that.
PATRICK: Um, did we not see four different productions of
Measure for Measure last year within weeks of each other?
Measure for Measure last year within weeks of each other?
NINA: Those were at different theaters.
PATRICK: And did you read the reviews? What did the Orpheus’
production get called?
production get called?
JEN: Innovative.
PATRICK: And the Gold Standard?
TYLER: Innovative.
PATRICK: And the Purell Center for the Arts?
ALL, but PATRICK: Innovative.
PATRICK: And not one of those reviews mentioned any of the
other productions.
other productions.
JEN: Maybe they thought it would be impolite? Like that time I
went to both of the Olsen twins’ Labor Day parties and pretended
I only went to one.
went to both of the Olsen twins’ Labor Day parties and pretended
I only went to one.
PATRICK: Critics don’t care how many times you do something.
Neither do audiences.
Neither do audiences.
AMY: Why don’t we do a new play instead?
JEN/CLAIRE/NINA/TYLER/PATRICK: That’s a terrible idea./Or we
could just declare bankruptcy now./Don’t be insane./Nobody wants
that./I appreciate your feedback, Amy, but please never say that again.
could just declare bankruptcy now./Don’t be insane./Nobody wants
that./I appreciate your feedback, Amy, but please never say that again.
CLAIRE: If we bring back a show we just did, we’ll look like idiots.
NINA: What she means is--we’ll continue to look like idiots.
PATRICK: Actually, I already did an audience survey, and they
seem pretty keen on the idea.
seem pretty keen on the idea.
TYLER: Is that why you were handing out those Bingo cards after the show?
PATRICK: I ran out of paper and the senior center is right next door so--
JEN: What did the audience have to say?
PATRICK: (Reading from a card.) We like this play. Do more plays
like this play. Or just do this play again. You know what? Just do
this play again. We don’t trust you to do anything else. This has
got to be a fluke. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just keeping
doing this and we’ll keep coming, okay? Do we have a deal? And
you should sell brownies at the concession stand.
like this play. Or just do this play again. You know what? Just do
this play again. We don’t trust you to do anything else. This has
got to be a fluke. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Just keeping
doing this and we’ll keep coming, okay? Do we have a deal? And
you should sell brownies at the concession stand.
AMY: I would also like brownies.
CLAIRE: That’s so dumb.
AMY: I can’t help that I have low blood sugar.
CLAIRE: I meant the survey.
PATRICK: I have two hundred more of these that all say the same thing.
NINA: They have a point.
CLAIRE: Nina!
NINA: Well, it’s true! We got great reviews for Picnic and we sold
out every night! I don’t want to go back to empty houses and bad
reviews. I know how much it bothers all of you.
out every night! I don’t want to go back to empty houses and bad
reviews. I know how much it bothers all of you.
JEN: Doesn’t it bother you?
NINA: Jen, don’t be ridiculous, I never get bad reviews. Yacht Club
Monthly called me ‘sexually terrifying.’
Monthly called me ‘sexually terrifying.’
TYLER: Maybe we should just do another production of Picnic…
CLAIRE: And then what? Do it again?
PATRICK: Of course not.
CLAIRE: Finally some sense.
PATRICK: Then we would do Measure for Measure.
CLAIRE: What?
PATRICK: And then Picnic again.
CLAIRE: This is nuts.
JEN: It does allow for the opportunity to...interpret things.
PATRICK: We’re not doing Picnic with lightsabers.
JEN: This theater has a very problematic attitude towards Jedis.
TYLER: I’m onboard for anything that allows me to be shirtless onstage.
PATRICK: Normally I would chastise you for saying that, but we have
to cut our costume budget again, so...I’ll allow it.
to cut our costume budget again, so...I’ll allow it.
CLAIRE: Don’t we have any integrity left? There are thousands of
plays we could do--and yes, maybe some will fail and some will do
well--but that’s what we do, isn’t it? We don’t play it safe. We take
chances. We aspire to greatness!
plays we could do--and yes, maybe some will fail and some will do
well--but that’s what we do, isn’t it? We don’t play it safe. We take
chances. We aspire to greatness!
PATRICK: Okay, but if we repeat Picnic a few times, I
can start paying you a salary.
can start paying you a salary.
CLAIRE: PICNIC IT IS!
(Cheers all around. MARTY enters.)
MARTY: I decided to forgive you all.
(More cheers.)
MARTY: As long as one of you can tell me what my last name is.
(Silence.)
MARTY: Good day.
(He exits. They ALL exchange a glance, and then--more cheers.)
The End
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