The Hotel Shower

The first thing I did when I got there

Was hop in the hotel shower

And I waited

For him to get there

I stayed in the shower

And part of me was like--

This is

This is a mistake, um

But I stayed in the shower

And I kept the phone nearby

On the sink

I could see it

From the shower

You know, see if it, um

Like if it lit up or whatever, um

The shower was nice

It was one of those hotel showers

That are always way cleaner

Than any shower

In any home or apartment

Like, they must bleach it

Once a day or something

Because it’s that color white

That doesn’t exist in nature

I got in the shower

And I was like--

Should I just leave?

But I had--

I lived, like, five hours away

This--

Going there

Was a big deal

And, uh--

I felt like it was an investment, you know?

But, like, an investment

In this--huge mistake

But that voice

That voice telling me

It was a mistake

It was like--

Where was that voice

When I was planning the mistake?

Like, it wasn’t doing me any good

While I was standing there in the shower

Just being like--

What if I just stay here?

Like, what if she shows up?

And I’m just in the shower

And I just--

Never get out?

And she’ll try talking to me

And I won’t answer

Maybe she’ll get in the shower with me

And I’ll just face away from her

Maybe she’ll call the police

Hotel security

A doctor

Have me committed

I just felt like--

This is already so bad

Why don’t I just

Keep making it worse?

Why don’t I just take it

To that next level

And that next level

And that next level

Until I’m in so deep

There’s no getting back out

And then maybe it’s like digging to China

Where, you know, you just wind up

Back where you started

Because, I mean, that wouldn’t be so bad

I stood in the shower

And I--this--this isn’t a metaphor

For, like, getting clean or anything

I just felt okay in there

Despite where I was

And what I was about to do

And, uh, I didn’t want to get out

Because I knew when I got out

It would be that thing

Where the cold air hits you

And just knocks you, uh

Knocks you back

Into the warm steam

Of the shower

But by then

It’s already disappearing

And you have to, um

Just commit

Just commit

To getting out

I talked about being committed, right?

Guess it’s on my mind

Guess it’s something
I’ve been thinking

A lot

About