(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You

I had a country wedding

The first time around

My husband and I

Had to negotiate

Because he literally

Wanted us to, like,

Get married on a farm

And, like, in a barn

With horses

And you know

Farm animals

So obviously

I was not signing up

For any of that

But he was paying

For the entire thing

Or his family was

Did

I guess

So I only had so much say

Even though it was my fucking wedding

And, like,

Oh my god what a red flag

I can’t believe I didn’t just run

And it’s that thing

Where, like,

You don’t even remember

Why you liked the person?

Like, I have no idea

Why I liked him

But I’m sure I must have

Because I wasn’t a gold-digger or anything

And he was hot

So it might have just been, like, I don’t know

Pure attraction

But now I think he’s gross

Although he’s also stopped working out

So it could be that

I don’t know

He was obsessed

With this wedding

Like, if the assumption

Is that guys

Don’t really care

About their weddings

Well, I guess I found the one guy

Who was very interested

And the biggest fight we had

And I shit you not about this

The biggest fight

Was about what song

I walked down the aisle to

I wanted Never Had a Dream Come True

By S Club 7

And he wanted

Some boring ass country song

That I can’t even tell you

What it was

Because I listened to it

Exactly one time

And fell into a coma

Woke up three weeks later

And was like--

That is not going to be the song

And we fought about this

For weeks

It was ridiculous

It became this thing

Where I gave in

On every issue

Except that one

Which was maybe the point

Like maybe he manipulated me

Into focusing on one issue

So I wouldn’t have the strength

To put up a fight on, like,

Any of the other issues

I don’t know

The point is--

I won

I won the argument

Sort of

Because I didn’t get to walk down the aisle

To Never Had a Dream Come True

But

I did get to walk down

To (God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time On You

Which was okay with him

Because there’s a country version

Even though I definitely didn’t walk down the aisle

To the fucking country version

Even though I might have said I would

And then switched the tracks

At the last minute

I don’t know

We were only married for a year

Literally a year

Maybe nine months

It’s hard to remember

Thank god

I mean thank god for that

But the barn looked nice

I’ll say that at least

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a barn

Look that nice