So No One Told You One Day You Were Going to Get Sick of Standing in This Fountain

(SIX FRIENDS stand in a fountain.  A moment passes.)

RACHEL:  Hey everybody?

ROSS:  Yeah?

RACHEL:  Why are we standing in this fountain?

PHOEBE:  Because we’re friends!

RACHEL:  Right, yeah, no, I get that, but, um, what does that
have to do with a...fountain?

(A beat.)

MONICA:  It’s just, you know, we’re quirky.  We’re quirky friends.

RACHEL:  Right, yeah, no, I get that, but, um, I’m wet?

JOEY:  Do you want to climb up on my shoulders?

RACHEL:  Not really, no.

JOEY:  Then you wouldn’t be--

RACHEL:  Yeah, I get how that would work, I’m just--

CHANDLER:  Why are we dancing?  Is there music? I don’t

hear music.

MONICA:  They said there’s music.

CHANDLER:  I know they said that, but I’m not hearing it.

MONICA:  Well--

CHANDLER:  Geez, could it be any louder?

ROSS:  Chandler--

CHANDLER:  Sorry, right--could it BE any louder?

ROSS:  The joke doesn’t really--

CHANDLER:  What?

ROSS:  It should be--Could it BE any SOFTER?

CHANDLER:  But it’s not soft.  It’s just not playing at all.

MONICA:  We should just keep dancing.

JOEY:  Should I take my shirt off?

ALL, but JOEY:  No.

JOEY:  But aren’t I supposed to be the hot one?

RACHEL:  Joey!

JOEY:  What?

RACHEL:  We’re all the hot ones.

MONICA: Should we ALL be hot?

ROSS: I'm dorky hot so--

PHOEBE:  I don’t know if I’m hot.

MONICA:  Phoebs, you’re very attractive.

PHOEBE:  But, like, comparatively, I don’t know.  I mean,

I’m pretty. I’m definitely pretty, but, like, look at Rachel.  

She’s a smokeshow.

RACHEL:  Thank you, sweetie.

MONICA:  What about me?

CHANDLER:  What about you?

MONICA:  Am I a smokeshow?

CHANDLER:  I think you are.

ROSS:  We shouldn’t be, you know, talking about this.

JOEY:  Why not?

ROSS:  Because we’re friends.

CHANDLER:  We’re not going to be friends forever.

RACHEL:  Chandler!

CHANDLER:  No, I mean, eventually, for the sake of ratings,

we’re going to have to start dating each other.

PHOEBE:  But then we won’t be friends anymore.

MONICA:  Yes, we will.  We’ll pair up, but those pairs will still

be friends with the other pairs.

ROSS:  That sounds like couples.  Like we’d be coupling.

MONICA:  We definitely wouldn’t be doing that.  That would

be very...British of us.

RACHEL:  Maybe we shouldn’t, um, yeah, no, yeah,

you know, date at all.

ROSS:  No! No, I think it would be fine if, like, two of us

dated, maybe?  But just two of us.

CHANDLER:  Well, that’s not fair.

PHOEBE:  I don’t want to date any of you.

CHANDLER:  No one cares what you want.

PHOEBE:  Hey! Watch it, I’m the only one who’s going

to be getting an Emmy.

RACHEL:  No, I’m getting one too.

JOEY:  Am I getting one?

ALL, but JOEY:  (Hysterical Laughter.)  No./Nope./Seriously?

/C’mon, Joey.

JOEY:  Fine, but I’m getting a spin-off.

CHANDLER:  Careful what you wish for, buddy.

PHOEBE: Isn't it funny how if any of us are by
ourselves, people are like, 'Eh' but if we're all
together, they get excited?

ROSS: It's like if you saw a bag of flour on
the street. You'd be like--'Oh, neat. Flour.'
But if you see a cake, you're like--'Wow.'

CHANDLER: What the hell kind of streets
are you walking down?

RACHEL:  All I want is a movie career.

MONICA:  Well, you’re kind of going to get that.

RACHEL:  What do you, um, yeah, no, yeah,
mean ‘kind of?’

MONICA:  Like, you’ll...be in movies.

RACHEL:  Will I, um, you know, yeah,
no, win an Oscar?

MONICA:  Ummmmm--

CHANDLER:  Are we all going to hysterically
laugh like did at Joey?

RACHEL:  Hey!

ROSS:  I’m probably just going to keep doing tv.

PHOEBE:  Good for you, Ross.

JOEY:  So who’s going to be the couple on the show?  

Me and Monica?

CHANDLER:  Ew, no.

JOEY:  Why ew?  It’s not like I’m her brother.

PHOEBE:  Hey, I always wanted to ask, don’t
you think it’s a little weird that Monica and Ross
are siblings?

ROSS:  Siblings can be friends.

PHOEBE:  But we talk about sleep with people
a lot.

MONICA:  So?

PHOEBE:  It’s just weird that you two are, like, always around

each other when everybody’s talking about doing it.

ROSS:  We’ve very mature.

JOEY:  Cool, so can I date Monica?

ROSS:  NO, JOEY, SHE’S MY LITTLE SISTER.  WHAT IS

WRONG WITH YOU?

CHANDLER:  Can I date her?

ROSS:  Yeah, sure.

JOEY:  Fine, I’ll date Rachel then.

ROSS:  ABSOLUTELY NOT!

JOEY:  Phoebe?

ROSS/PHOEBE:  Fine./No, thank you.

RACHEL:  Everybody, um, yeah, no, um,
can we get out of the fountain now?

MONICA:  They didn’t say we could.

RACHEL:  Who is ‘they?’

MONICA:  The people who told us to stand
in the fountain.

PHOEBE:  Are we going to get arrested?

JOEY:  Are we even in New York right now?

COURTNEY:  You all need to stop asking
so many questions.

CHANDLER:  I still don’t hear the music.

MONICA:  IT’S LIKE YOU’RE ALWAYS SOMETHING

SOMETHING GEAR!

CHANDLER:  What is that?

MONICA:  The song.  The song we’re dancing to.

PHOEBE:  I didn’t want to say anything, but I wouldn’t call

what we’re doing dancing.

RACHEL:  Are we, um, you know, yeah, no, um,
sure I’m not going to win an Oscar?

ALL, but RACHEL:  (Hysterical Laughing.)  No./

Rach, come on./Nope./Yeah, no.

RACHEL:  I shouldn’t have, you know, um, yeah, no,

asked again, huh?

PHOEBE:  Is there water in this fountain?

RACHEL:  Of course there’s water.  My feet are soaked.

MONICA:  Didn’t you step in a bucket of water before we

got in here?

RACHEL:  Ohhhhhh, right.

CHANDLER:  I guess we’ll just wait for the music to play.

JOEY:  And then we’ll wait for it to stop.

PHOEBE:  It’ll start and stop any day now.

MONICA:  Yup.

ROSS:  Do you think once this is all over we’ll wait twenty

years and then do a reunion?

(A beat.  Then HYSTERICAL LAUGHING, then--)

ALL:  Probably.

The End