Benny Negotiates with the Burglar

Okay, so I’m thinking you can probably take the tv

I mean, the picture on it has just gotten worse and worse

I’ve been meaning to get a flat screen

Because my buddies come over sometimes

And it’s embarrassing to have five guys

Sitting around

Watching a twenty-four inch screen

You know what I’m saying?

We might as well be sitting around the radio

Knitting sweaters for the boys overseas

Hahaha, so yeah, take the tv

You know, you’d actually be doing me a favor

Because I think it’s insured

I mean, I’m guessing the tv’s insured

I mean, I have homeowner’s insurance

And one of the things it covers is a robbery

But I know they said it doesn’t cover everything

But it has to cover the television

Because what good is it if it doesn’t cover the television

You get what I’m saying?

I mean, what else are you going to steal?

The sink?

Huh?

You WANT the sink?

What the hell are you going to do with a sink?

I mean, I’m not saying you can’t have it

I just don’t see what you’re going to do with it

Are sinks valuable these days?

I mean, that one came with the house

So I’ve never had to actually buy one

Are they getting pricey?

Jesus, the way the world is today

A guy has to rob a house

To get himself a sink

Tell you what, buddy

You take the sink

You take the strainer

Take the dish towels

I got another sink upstairs in the bathroom I can use

What do I need two sinks for?

No man should have to live without a sink

We’re not animals

This isn’t the Renaissance

When a guy had to wash his dishes in the river

Before the dinosaurs showed up

I feel bad that you’ve been driven to do this, my friend

Stealing sinks like that guy from Less Miserable

My wife’s into all that fancy film shit

So we had to sit through the movie

I’d have rather sat through

The actual Revolution

Anyway, in the movie

The lead guy stole some bread

And they made him break rocks

For thirty years or something

Yeah, that’s the fucking French for you

Last time I checked this house you’re robbing is in America

And we don’t let people go without here

So you take that sink

Take some of the dishes too

It was my turn to wash ‘em tonight

So you can take whichever ones you want

As long as they’re dirty

Saves me a hassle

Hey listen, you want a couch?

My mother-in-law gave us that couch

And every time I see it

I regret not marrying an orphan

You sit on the damn thing

It’s like you’re trying to relax

On the back of a camel

I was going to donate it to the government

In case they needed something to torture P.O.W.’s with

But my wife says every time she sees it

It reminds her what an angel her mother was

I said ‘Yeah, and every time I sit on it

It reminds me what a pain in my ass she was’

Then I end up sleeping on the damn thing for two nights

Ain’t that a fucking hoot?

Still, if you need a couch

Or you’re looking for something to sell

To some poor schmuck who doesn’t know any better

I think you could get some cash for it

At least enough to buy some drugs

Maybe not the fancy kind of drugs

That you order online

But the ones that get you by

Until you can afford the good stuff

I can even help you carry it out if you want

You will?

Aw, that’s great

I’ll even throw in that picture

On the mantle

Well, you can take the photo of my mother-in-law out

And just use the frame

If you need anything else, just come back next week

We’re going away for a few days

But we leave a key in a fake rock

By the back door

Just let yourself in

But wipe your feet first

My wife’ll holler

And who wants to hear her

You know what I mean?

Aw, don’t mention it

Hey, do me a favor though

Punch me in the arms a couple of times

And break a few glasses

I want it to look like I put up a fight

Nah, don’t worry about hurting me

If my wife comes downstairs and sees that couch gone

And me with no bruises

She’s going to do a lot worse than you

Trust me