I Don't Let My Children Go on Facebook

I don’t let my children

Go on Facebook

We don’t go on Facebook

In our family

Do we, kids?

I mean, I go on Facebook

But I’m not part of the ‘we’

The kids are the ‘we’

I supervise the ‘we’

But I say ‘we’ because I want them to know

That this is a family made up solidarity and unity

And that we all follow the same rules

Except Mommy

Because she’s the one who makes the rules

And so sometimes she has to break the rules

Because she makes the rules

So she needs to see if the rules are necessary

And in the case of Facebook

The rules are very necessary

I only go on there to—

CAYTYLINNE BELLE SARAHEI TIMPANI!

WHAT HAVE I SAID ABOUT EMPTYING OUT TRASH BINS IN THE STORE?

IF YOU WANT TO DO THAT AT HOME

THAT’S ONE THING

BUT NOT OUT IN PUBLIC

GO PLAY IN THE GLASSWARES SECTION

FIND SOMETHING THAT MAGNIFIES

SEE IF THAT SCAR ON YOUR FOREHEAD IS FADING

FROM WHEN THAT BADGER GOT AT YOU!

She’s going to be an archeologist

Can’t keep that girl out of anything

Trash bins, compost heaps, dumpsters, dark alleys

She’s just got an inquisitive nature

That’s why I could never let her on Facebook

With all the predators on there

It’s just not safe

I was actually talking to a predator recently

He came to my home asking to see my children

He showed up pretending to be with the state

And said he’d received a report that there were children in danger

Can you believe that?

The pedophiles are coming right to your house now!

With fake badges

And everything!

Well, I played along for a bit

Telling him my children were perfectly fine

Because I’d shipped them to Russia

Which isn’t entirely untrue

As I do plan on sending them

To that mock labor camp they have in Moscow every year

Where the kids get to spend a week

Living as a prisoner from the 1800’s would

My son’s just dying to go

Actually, where is Matt—oh!

MATTHEW JONATHAN MONTGOMERY SNOWSTORM TIMPANI!

STOP EATING THAT BOWL!

THAT BOWL IS PLASTIC!

IF YOU WANT TO EAT A BOWL

WAIT UNTIL WE GET HOME

AND I CAN GIVE YOU ONE OF THOSE ORGANIC PAPER BOWLS

THAT YOU LIKE!

GO HIDE SOMEWHERE IN THE STORE

SOMEWHERE YOU THINK MOMMY WON’T FIND YOU

AND THEN I’LL COME LOOKING

I’LL GIVE YOU A TWO HOUR HEADSTART

GO!

He wants to be a food critic

When he grows up

He’ll eat anything

Bowls, birdseed, paperback books

That badger that attacked his sister

He’s very refined

That’s why I’ve waivered a bit

On letting him go on Facebook

I thought about getting him an account

Completely under my supervision of course and—

CAYTYLINNE BELLE, STOP WHINING!

THAT DOG LOOKS PERFECTLY FRIENDLY

JUST WIPE THE FOAM OFF ITS MOUTH

AND GIVE IT A KISS!

--But the funny thing is

He wasn’t even interested in getting a Facebook account

Neither is Caytylinne

They’ve never even asked

Well, you know kids

They cling to comfort and stability

The idea of a digital world

Where bad men lurk behind every corner

Probably terrifies them

Ohhh, look at little Matthew

Hiding under that knife display

He thinks I don’t see him

He’s so innocent

I worry about him

You just wish you could

Protect them forever, you know?

That’s the tough part

About being a parent

That and figuring out

How to get them out of the lion pen

At the zoo