You Have Failed As Parents

Melissa and Chris
I didn't want to be the one to tell you this
But rather than say it behind your backs
Like the rest of your friends
I've decided to come here
With sponge cake
And say it to your face

Melissa and Chris
You
Have failed
As parents

Now, I know what you might be saying to yourselves right now--

'Oh God, we've been found out!'

But the important thing to remember
Is that nobody is judging you
I mean, we were judging you
But now we're judging your kids
They're old enough now
To be judged

Like Karen

It's one thing that she's a lesbian
We don't mind that
I mean, there are good lesbians and bad lesbians
Sort of like the witches in Oz?

But Karen is a bad witch, Melissa and Chris

She's not a gardening, button-down wearing, cat-breeding
Kind of lesbian

She's a tattooed, bar-owning, badass
Kind of lesbian

She frightens us

Yes, we know she has the most successful bar in Chicago
But that's not the point
The girl has VISIBLE tattoos
She might as well be a pirate
With a parrot on her shoulder
Terrorizing poor orphans
Waving her hook at them!

Then there's Paul
The...writer

Remember when we warned you
About encouraging the arts?

Did you read Paul's last book?

'Suburban Terrorists?'

I counted seventeen obscenities in that book
And that was all just on the dedication page

No, I do not find it sweet
That he dedicated the book to you
His 'effing awesome' parents
Maybe you think that's cute
But I certainly don't

Finally, we come to Shane

None of us had any hope for him

When you name a child Shane
You might as well put him on a motorcycle
And teach him to shoot puppies in a barrel

What?

I don't know how puppies get in barrels!
It's an expression!

Look, I realize there's absolutely nothing you can do
About any of this now

But the least you could do is feel bad about it

You keep having those people you call children
Over here all the time
For barbecues
And holidays
And family dinners every Sunday

It's like you're proud of them or something!

Melissa and Chris,
I'm going to leave you this sponge cake
And while you eat it
I want you to think about
What you've done
And how you're responding to what you've done

And then maybe you can think about adopting a few more kids
And trying again?

That's what we did
When the twins
Opened that non-profit
To help the environment
Instead of becoming lawyers
Per our request

Now our adopted children
Are watching episodes of Law and Order
And holding little mock trials in the living room
Where they convict us of war crimes

Isn't that adorable?

It just goes to show you
It's never too late, Melissa and Chris

It's never too late
To give it
One more try