I'm Not Taking Your Name

Oliver, I am not taking your name

I’m sorry

I thought about it

And I just can’t do it

Please believe that it was given serious consideration

Friends were consulted

Pro and con lists were made

I tried saying my first name

With your last name

Over and over again

But I’ve come to the conclusion

That it’s just not going to happen

Because Oliver

Your last name is Shitsky

Now, I could tell you

That there’s nothing WRONG

With the name Shitsky, Oliver

But we both know I’d be lying

There are many, many things wrong

With the last name Shitsky

And, even though I am very, very sorry

That you have to go through life

With that last name

I don’t see why anybody else should have to

Unless they have the misfortune

Of being born

Into the name

Which reminds me

If we have any children

They’ll also be taking my last name

I think the Shitsky dynasty

Is one that needs to be faded out

As quickly as possible

It’s not that I don’t love

The man BEHIND the name, Oliver

But, luckily, it’s not the 1920’s

Women can now vote

And get divorced

And refuse to take on the repugnant names

Of their husbands

And I am deciding

To take the course

Of the modern woman, Oliver

I am keeping my name

I cannot go through life as Donna Shitsky

I can’t, Oliver

I simply can’t

I hope you understand

…You do?

Oh Oliver, you’re such a catch!

Thank goodness I’m marrying

Such a modern man!

…You know, Oliver

You may want to think about taking MY name

Wouldn’t that be a nice gesture?

And then neither one of us

Would be a Shitsky

What?

Well, why not?

No, I don’t see what’s wrong with it

Dickamy is a wonderful last name!