Driving With Bernard

Oh Bernard, I do so love riding

In the car

Do the stilts fit you all right?

Well, I’m sorry, Bernard

But it was the only way

Your feet would reach the pedals

Why must you be so truculent?

Can’t we ever just go for a nice drive

So what if you can’t see above the steering wheel

We’re driving through the bad part of town anyway

It’s not like you’re missing much

I do wish you’d speed it up a bit

It’s not that I don’t enjoy a leisurely ride

It’s just that I’m supposed to be at the Philosophy Club by two

To give that lecture on sophiology

Of course I don’t know what sophiology is

That’s why I’m giving a lecture on it

I’ll make absolutely no sense

And the philosophers will be thrilled

They’ll think they’re too stupid to understand what I’m saying

And so they’ll applaud me

And ask me back again next year

When speaking to academics

One should never make sense

Otherwise they lose all faith in you

Once I’m done with my talk

I’ll appear positively theophanic to them, Bernard

Oh just look at all these buildings

And stores

And warehouses

I’m so glad I don’t work

How I’d hate to go to all these places

Like that carpet place

Imagine having to get up everyday

Knowing you’re going to be surrounded by nothing but carpet?

Waiting everyday

With baited breath

Hoping somebody walks in

Interested in purchasing

Carpeting for their home

And how much carpet can one really sell anyway?

I mean, eventually

Everybody’s house is carpeted

And then what do you do?

Close up shop

And open a pickle store?

Actually, I don’t think I’d mind running a pickle store

I do enjoy a good pickle

Bernard!  Did you bring the cucumber sandwiches

As I asked you to?

Really, Bernard

I ask you for the simplest things

Bring the cucumber sandwiches

Stop attacking the help

Don’t leave your monkey in the East Wing unattended

These are noetic requests, Bernard

Oh please, festinate

If I wanted to go this slow

I would have taken the rickshaw

But I was trying to be kind

Since I know your little legs

Aren’t what they used to be

The head of the Philosophy Club will be biting her nails down to the quick

She’s quite the flibbertigibbet

I would suggest that she give up running the club

And open a pickle shop instead

But I don’t want to give the poor girl

A nervous breakdown

Are there cucumber shops around here, Bernard?

I am so puckish

I could peck your eyes out

For forgetting those sandwiches

They’d better serve refreshments at the meeting

Otherwise I’m talking my nonsense lecture

And going home

I’m not lying, Bernard

I will make quite the callithump

You know how testy I get

When I haven’t eaten

Every five minutes

I have the metabolism of an African snake

You could feed me a zebra right now

And in two minutes

I’d be back down to my normal weight

It’s a blessing and a curse, Bernard

One that you clearly were not saddled with

Facts are facts, Bernard

Facts are facts

BERNARD, WATCH OUT!

You nearly drove right past that lovely billboard

With the shirtless man on it

Without giving me a chance

To take it in

Bernard, my eyes are thirsty

They need visual sustenance

I don’t care if you can’t see

You should be able to sense beauty

Like a true artist does

Like I do

Your insouciance boggles the mind, Bernard

It truly does

I think I might be getting a migraine

As we speak

Oh Bernard, it’s too bad you can’t see the billboard

The man is in an exiguous state of dress

He’s wearing a bathing suit

Made out of nothing but white feathers

I believe it’s a billboard

For Larry’s House of Wings

God bless Larry, whomever he is

We should stop there on our way back, Bernard

I’ve never eaten a wing before

But if the shirtless man enjoys them

They must be delightful

Bernard, tell me you at least remembered

To pack my thermos

My eyes have been slaked

But now my throat

Craves relief

BERNARD!

Why did I go to the trouble of milking the yak

If you were going to forget the thermos?

You probably forgot to put it in the cooler as well

Which means it will spoil

Yak’s milk is only good for an hour, Bernard

Do you know how many yak babies have died of stomach trouble

Because they waited too long

To suckle their mother’s teat?

You astound me, Bernard

You truly do

Perhaps if you hadn’t been so corybantic

When we left the house

We’d be better prepared

On this increasingly exhausting journey

Well, I suppose all I can do now

Is sit back and enjoy the scenery

If I die of starvation or excessive thirst

Be sure and tell that flittering Philosopher

That I had planned a glorious lecture

And that it’s your fault she and the others

Didn’t hear it, Bernard

Bernard, are you listening to me?

Did you put your headphones on?

Wonderful

Now you can’t see or hear

I’m being driven around

By Helen Keller

Well, if that’s how you want it, Bernard

That’s just fine

I live to make you happy

Just don’t forget to keep your seatbelt buckled

Safety first, Bernard

Safety first