Fortune Cookie

Why don't you come upstairs?

You think you're going to do
Any good down here
Waiting for him?

Yeah, so you fucked up tonight
So what?

Some parents fuck up every night
And some of them are asleep right now
Not giving a shit
That their kid's pissed at them

Me?

Yeah, it used to keep me up

I used to spend an hour yelling at you
Send you to your room
Then spend two hours outside your bedroom door
Wondering if I should go in and apologize

I wanted to be cool
And have you love me
And respect me
And not wind up a bum
All at the same time

When you're a parent
You think you can have all that

When you're a grandparent
You learn you're lucky if you get any of it

You got a good kid
He'll come back

And he'll give you a hell of a sneer
And you'll want to smack him and hug him
And smack him again
For making you want to hug him
When you wanna smack him

It's a parental paradox
And it fucks you up

Don't tell me to watch my mouth
I watched my mouth for thirty years
I'm done watching my mouth
I don't drink
I don't smoke
Let me fucking swear when I want to

It relaxes me

When he gets back
Tell him he can do whatever he wants
You wanna know why?
Because he's gonna fucking do it anyway

Or maybe he won't
Maybe he'll get his head on straight
Before he does
But not if he's got your voice in his head
Telling him how it's going to be

That's not fortune cookie advice
That's good sound wisdom
From a cranky old bastard

Now come inside
And practice looking like you don't give a shit
So that when he comes home
He won't pull a stunt like this again

Practice looking like you don't care
Because, trust me

It's going to take a lot of practice