Why Am I Still Mad?

Hi, Dr. Stanz?

Hi, Dr. Stanz, it's me
Trevor?

Right

Hi

Yeah, sorry for waking you, but--

Oh, okay, great

Yeah, I mean
Emergency is kind of a strong word, but--

Well, if it'll keep you on the phone
Then, yeah, it's an emergency

See, uh...

Last week, I was out with my girlfriend
At this, like, I mean, I guess it was a restaurant
But we were, like, at the bar in the restaurant
And there was this guy there
And he was drunk
And he was sort of, um, like, heckling us
I guess you would say
Because he was drunk
And, you know, it was a Saturday night
And I was wearing this stupid pink t-shirt
That my girlfriend bought me
Because she says real men wear pink
Which is probably something she read in
Get Your Boyfriend's Ass Kicked magazine

Anyway, the guy was being a jerk
And normally, as you know
I would go over, and, uh--

Talk to him about that

But, because we've been working on my anger issues
I just suggested to my girlfriend
That we leave the bar
And go somewhere else

And she was all proud of me
Because I was the bigger man
And ohhh look at what I've learned in therapy
And, you know, for a minute there
I felt pretty good too
Especially knowing
I was probably going to get laid later that night

But, now, it's a week later
It's three am
And, uh...

I'm still mad

And I guess what I'm wondering is--

Why am I still mad?

I mean, I did everything you told me to do
I walked away
I practiced my breathing
I did that empathy thing
Where I thought about
What the other guy must be feeling
Why he was being such a jerk

And, you know
Every time I think about it
I'm still pretty pissed off

So I guess what I'm wondering is
When will I be able to think about that night
And that guy
And not wish
That I'd punched his friggin' lights out?

No, I mean
I'm glad I didn't
I would have been thrown out
My girlfriend would have given me the silent treatment
For who knows how long
But a part of me
When I put myself back in that situation
Still says--

You should have punched that guy

So what is that, Doc?

I mean, I thought we were supposed
To be getting rid of my anger here

Not putting it off to the side
So it can rot away inside of me
For the rest of my life

My father was like that

He never yelled once in his whole life
Then one day somebody cut him off in traffic
He screamed 'asshole' at the guy
Had a massive heart attack
And died

Doc, I don't that happening to me

But all this yoga-meditation-breathing bullshit
Is doing the trick

When I want to hit someone
Going home and hitting a pillow
Isn't going to help

Plus, now when I walk in my house
All the pillows fall off the bed
And roll under the nightstand

Just a little joke, Doc

Look, I appreciate all your help, I do

Teaching me the value
Of not engaging with morons
Is very helpful

The problem is
I still have this ball of anger inside of me
And when I don't do what it says
I can hear this voice in my head
Saying 'coward wimp chicken'
And when I walk away
The voice gets louder and louder
And even when it dies out
All I have to do is think about a time
When I walked away
And there it is again

The voice
The anger
The feeling like I let somebody
Walk all over me

So what do I do?

I mean, is it just going...

Just going to be like that forever?

Am I just going to be mad my whole life?

Because, I just--

You know, it--

It just feels unfair

Doc, you don't know how bad
I'd love to be one of those people
Who just has everything
Roll off their back

Just says--'Ay, whatever'

All the time

Never gets upset
Never yells
Never loses his temper

But I'm not
You know?

I'm just not one of those people

And I thought, you know
I just thought
That if I did everything you said

If I did the breathing
And the relaxing
And the, you know, whatever

That it'd go away

But it's still there, Doc

It's still there

So what do I do?

I'm scared of it, Doc

God's honest truth, I'm scared

Because, my girl, she...

She wants to have a kid

She wants to have a kid so bad

One day, you know
One day

And all I can think is
What if he gets it too?

What if I give it to him?

Nothing gets to me more
Than the thought of that

That's what makes me angrier
Than anything