This Might Be Your Pizza

This might be your pizza

Wait, just wait

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves

It might be a pizza

Or it might be something else

Something better

Am I a pizza delivery man?

Yes

Do I deliver pizzas?

Yes

Did you order a pizza?

I don’t know

Did you?

You might have

You might have done a lot of things

You might have wanted a lot of things

And thought that only pizza

Could be provided for you

In a timely manner

Specifically twenty-two minutes

You say you smell pepperoni?

You might

But is that all you want in life?

Pepperoni?

Black olives?

Extra cheese?

I think we can do better than that

Don’t you?

What about peace, huh?

What about peace of mind?

No, not world peace

I’m merely a pizza delivery man

I do have my limits

But I can, possibly, offer you more

Than just simple culinary satisfaction

What I’m saying is this—

Marry me

I know we’ve just met

But how long do you really need to spend with someone

To know that you’re meant to be together

The second you opened the door

And I could see that you were attractive

I knew I should cut my losses

Stop flitting around the globe

Or, more specifically, the greater Providence area

And settle down with you

Clearly, you’re hungry

And I don’t just mean

In a literal sense

I can see that you want more out of life

And I can give you that

I work hard

I’m a good driver

Time is important to me

I’m polite

I’m cheerful

I hum while I walk

I’m basically a catch

And even though you’re attractive

I’d also like to point out

That it’s a Saturday night

It’s only eight o’clock

And you’re home

In your pajamas

Ordering a pizza

And, if my top-notch hearing is correct

And I believe it is

You’ve got ‘Sleepless in Seattle’

Playing on your television

As we speak

I think we both know

It’s time to take action

So I’ll leave this pizza here with you

On the house

And by the house, I mean

I’ll tell my boss

You found a dead fly on it

And I let you keep it

Oh don’t worry

The only thing you’re going to find on that pizza

Is my phone number

Spelled out

In anchovies

Hopefully you’ll use it

And by ‘hopefully you’ll use it’

I mean—

You’re going to die alone

If you don’t do something fast

Enjoy the pizza

…Uh, by the way

Just because I’m the future husband

Please don’t let that discourage you

From tipping me

I really want this relationship

To be fifty-fifty

Don’t you?