Close the door, would you?
It’s all right
You can close it
Wouldn’t want some pesky woodsman coming in
And interrupting the evening’s events
Would we?
Go ahead
Close it
Excellent
Would you like something to drink?
I have cider
Grog
And some cocoa my grandmother made for me
Right before she—
Well
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves
Shall we?
Why don’t you have a seat?
You’re not in any rush, are you?
Oh, I’m sure you’re probably a bit hungry
But we can take care of that
I have some bacon there for you on the table
You can help yourself
The bacon’s fresh
I just slaughtered the pigs this morning
The first one I caught
By setting the house on fire
As soon as the straw started smoking
He ran right outside
And into my arms
…And my axe
The second one had a fire extinguisher
So I used tear gas
And that did the trick
He went wee wee wee
All the way into the frying pan
The last one required a little acting on my part
I put on my shortest red skirt
And my prettiest red cloak
And the red lipstick
That I bought from Lucy
The village milkmaid
And a little plastic pig snout
I bought at Ye Old Costume Shop
I knocked on the door
And I pouted my lips
And I asked if I could—
Pweez Pweez Pweez come inside
I’m afwaid the Biggg Baaad Wolf
Is going to eat me up…
Worked like a charm
He may have been a pig
But he was also a man
And to me
It’s one and the same
I know what men respond to
Sex
Food
And money
And I’m about to offer you
An awful lot of one of those
You see, my grandmother was worth quite a bit of cash
And I say ‘was’ because, unfortunately
She seems to have disappeared
It’s possible that she’s buried in the garden out back
By the beanstalk
But who can say?
Her nightgown’s lying in bed
And it does have a bit of blood on it
But I suppose that could be
From some wild animal
Breaking in here and eating her
Like I said to that little pig
---There’s a wolf on the loose
As you can imagine
I’d be heartbroken
If anything happened
To my poor little old granny
Plus, just think how it would look
If she died while I was away from home
Visiting with her
Especially when you consider the fact
That alllllll her money has gone missing
What a shame
You know, she was planning on leaving all her money
To charity?
Hahaha isn’t that sweet?
Too bad it looks like it’s not going to happen
Gosh, what a scene this is
Blood, missing money—and granny’s youngest relative
Sitting right in the kitchen
In front of a carnivorous wild animal
Eating a plate of bacon
Well, some people might consider this
To be downright suspicious
But, I’m sure there’s a perfectly good explanation
Like maybe I was visiting grandmother
And we were having a lovely time
Eating a nice breakfast of bacon
And juice or something
And in through the door
Stormed a Big Bad Wolf
Who proceeded to eat up Grandmother
Right in her bed
Ripping her nightgown to pieces
All the while I was cowering in fear
Totally in shock
So as soon as the Wolf
Was done with Grandmother
He walked over to me
And popped me in his mouth
Like a tic tac
Then he grabbed all the money in the house
So he could go buy himself
Oh, I don’t know
Some more of the bacon
Like the kind sitting in the fridge
Or a ham sandwich
Or a whole pig farm
Then he high-tailed it out of there
Never to be heard from again
Now, that sounds like quite a story, doesn’t it?
But believable
A story people will want to talk about
For a long, long time
Nobody wants to talk about
An ungrateful little girl
Axing her grandmother
When she finds out
That her inheritance is going
To the Help Homeless Dwarves Fund
Now do they?
So here’s what I’m thinking
You finish up that bacon
Then help yourself to the rest in the fridge
Then when you’re done
You can go out in the backyard
And dig up Granny for desert
Don’t worry
I found some Tupperware to put her in
So she’s nice and fresh
And lying right next to her
Is twenty percent
Of all the cash I found in the house
Plenty of money to start that pig farm
While you’re digging
I’ll be on my way to Bermuda
By the time somebody stumbles upon this house
You can be halfway to somewhere even nicer
Like Hawaii or Narnia or something
So what do you say, Mr. Wolf?
Feel like helping a poor wittle girl
Make all her dweams come twue?
Aw, look at you scratching the hair
On your chinny chin chin
I think you like this idea
Now
Let me go find you
A shovel
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