The Way He Died

All I wanna do
Is die the way he died

I'm fascinated by it
By the circumstances

I get in my car
And I drive towards the bridge
And I see the yellow tape
And I know, I know
That one day

The tape will be gone

The flowers will be gone

The photo of him
That we put on a rock on
So it would stay
Will be gone

And now I drive towards the bridge

It's not that I want to die
I just want to know
What it felt like for him

When someone you love
Dies in a sort of--

In that sort of way

Brakes give out
Car goes over a bridge
And then...

Some imply that what happened was suicide
They do an investigation
Brakes went out

No suicide

You're relieved

But then you think--

If it was suicide
At least
You'd be able to picture it

Those last few moments

They'd be about decision
About resolve
About selfishness

But when they're about brakes going out

Then you have to imagine--

Imagine what?

Panic?
Screaming?
Shock?

I take the car to the store
Because that's where he was coming from

He went to the store
To get milk
Just milk

I wanted cereal
Well, we both wanted--

I wanted cereal
He was okay with toast

But I'd had a rough night at work
And he knew that I wanted cereal
Before I had to go back to work and...

I quit my job

After the funeral
After all the--

I was supposed to go back
I ran out of bereavement leave
But instead, I just...

I just quit

I guess I should have just quit before
Then he never would have had to go get milk
Or cheer me up
Or forget to get the car checked out
Like you're supposed to

You could say there's no point saying 'what if' but...

I do feel a need to understand

To understand exactly what it must have felt like

So I drive to the store
I go in
I buy milk
I start to drive home
I get to the bridge
I see the yellow tape
And then...

I close my eyes

If there are other people on the bridge
I don't

I just drive home

Or I pull over
And cry

Or something ridiculous like that

But most of the time, believe it or not
It's just me

Maybe people are getting superstitious
About driving over that bridge
I don't know

All I know is that most of the time
I'm able to close my eyes
And feel the car start to swerve
And then I open them
And I try to capture it

What it is I feel

Because that's what he must have felt
Right before he died

And it's panic
And it's shock
And sometimes I scream

But there's also a...

A...

I think of him

And not him as dead
But him alive

Sitting at the kitchen table
Waiting for me to come home
With the bread
For his toast

So he can tell me
I should quit my job
That he'll support us both
Until we figure it out

The important thing is that I'm happy

That's what I see

So I suppose maybe what he saw
Was something similar

I suppose he must have seen me

I apologize if that sounds selfish or romantic
But, that's the best I can come up with

I reenact the way he died
Not because I want to die
But because it helps affirm
A very positive idea
In my mind

That the last thing he thought of
Before he went over the bridge
Was me
Waiting for him to come home
So I could tell him
That I love him

And that gives me some semblance of peace

Even as the car goes towards the railing
And I yank the steering wheel to the right
To get it back onto the road

I feel that peace

And it only lasts for a moment

Sort of like the way it feels
If you jump in an elevator
As it's going down

That feeling of anti-gravity

That's how quick it is

And so I keep going back
I keep closing my eyes
I keep going towards the railing

Because I'm addicted to that sense of peace

It makes me feel like I'm right there with him

Like we're both going down
Together