Harry, how do you hit the button
So that it doesn’t stop?
You know, the elevator?
Ah well, to hell with it
Too late now
Anyway, it’s only on eleven
Mrs. Buley threatening to kill her husband again
She called at two pm
And said she’d kill him right after dinner
So I did some paperwork first
I figure we have another five minutes
To stop her
And we—
Okay, so we’re stopping at floor two
Are you sure you don’t remember
Which button you push?
It’s like a sequence
You press ‘Door Close’ and then—
Hi Mrs. Simmons
Yup, Mrs. Buley on eleven again
Yup, I hope we make it too
Mr. Buley’s annoying as Hell
But he certainly doesn’t deserve to die
Yes, Mrs. Simmons
You’ve told me about your daughter
You even showed me a picture
I’m not at all surprised that she’s single
She’s probably the most hideous woman
I’ve ever seen
Oh, don’t worry about it Harry
They’ve been working on the high rise next door for months
And now everybody in this building
Can’t hear because of all the jack hammering
Might as well have a little fun with ‘em, right?
Yes, Mrs. Simmons
I was just telling my partner here about your daughter
And how all those missing teeth
Add a nice touch of mischief to her smile
See Harry, she—
Third floor, great.
Why is this elevator so slow?
Harry, see if you can figure out the button sequence
I think it’s door close, then the floor, then—
Hi Mr. Mustagee
Glad to know
You still smell like ham
Consistency is comforting
Mrs. Simmons, don’t you think Mr. Mustagee smells like ham?
You should fix him up with your daughter
Oh sure, he’s about forty years older than her
But love is, ultimately, a compromise
Just the other day
When I was planting evidence
I thought to myself—
Fourth floor?!?!?!
Harry, press the emergency button
See if they can help us
Press it!
Why is it playing Neil Sedaka?
Neil Sedaka plays when you press the emergency button?
That’s not going to do anybody any good!
I mean, I like Neil Sedaka
But he’s not going to get me
To the eleventh floor any faster
Damn these bureaucrats
And their public safety budget cuts!
Hello Linda
Yes, it’s nice to see you
This is Harry
My gay lover
We’re into whips, ropes
And lawn mowers
Yes, I do think that you were P.T. Barnum
In a past life
No, I don’t think you’re a paranoid schizophrenic
Who’s married to a cardboard cut-out
Of Henry Winkler
I think you’re the picture of mental health, Lisa
The symbol of sanity
The—
Oh God, not Floor Five
Floor Five means—
RICHARD!
No, it’s fine
We have plenty of room
In the elevator
After all, they say a person’s sanity
Takes up about three feet of their spiritual space
So that means we have twelve extra feet
Not being used!
So what are you eating today, Richard?
Stamps?
Plastic cups?
A t-shirt you bought at a Whitesnake concert in ’87?
Ah, a stuffed turtle
Well, that’s an adorable sight
If you weren’t a fifty-three year-old man
Everything about you would be precious and darling
Instead of creepy and disturbing
I guess it’s all in how you look at things, right Harry?
Harry, see if you can get us to just go back down
I don’t know if I have the strength
To stop Mrs. Buley from shooting her husband today
Maybe the gun will jam
And then we can just come back tomorrow
She’s never going to find someone who can unjam a gun
At this time of night on a—
Floor Six—the O’Briens and their poodles
Hello Gypsy
Hello Auntie Mame
Hello Troublesome Angel
Harry, they’re all named after Rosalind Russell movies
Trust me, the poodles lucked out
They named their kids after Sophia Loren movies
How’d you like to go through life
With a name like Scandal in Sorrento?
Floor Seven—Mr. Masterson, I’ve told you a hundred times
You cannot run a balloon factory
Out of your apartment
It’s got nothing to do with zoning
The day you dropped that staple gun
Mrs. Simmons thought somebody ordered a mob hit upstairs
Floor Eight—No, Ms. Njantic, it doesn’t look infected
Floor Nine—Yes, Mr. Connors, it does look infected
Floor Ten!
We’re almost there, Harry!
I can’t breathe
I can’t move
And Auntie Mame
Just peed on my leg
But we’re almost—
Was that a gunshot?
Or one of Mr. Masterson’s balloons?
It came from above us?
Uh…
Can somebody hit the button for the Lobby?
I think we’re all set here
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