Sally in Self-Help

I'm looking for books
About being psychologically abused

Well...Maybe not abused
Maybe manipulated

Psychologically manipulated
Do you have books on that?

You know what?
You'd better give me 'manipulated' and 'abused'
That way I can see which one best fits me
Because I might have been abused
Without even knowing it

My Wednesday therapist says I sometimes have a hard time
Figuring out what's happening to me
Until it's already happened

Which explains the children, of course

Anyway, I think my mother might have manipulated and/or abused me
But my Tuesday therapist thinks--

Well, you see, my Tuesday therapist was my first therapist
But she refused to see me
More than three times a week
And I really need more attention than that
So I went out and got a second therapist
Which is fine
Because it's always good to have a second opinion

But now I'm not sure whose opinion is the first
And whose opinion is the second

Do you have any books on hiring a therapist?
I think I need to fire my Tuesday therapist
And get a new one

Oh, do you have any books on firing people?
God, I'm not sure I could do that
Can you hire people to do that for you?

Ugh, I'm delegating again

The Wednesday therapist says I do that too often
Maybe I should fire him

But then again, I may just be intimidated
By the fact that he's a man

I have trouble with authority figures
Plus men make me feel uncomfortable
And women always tend to feel like competition
And children seem needy
And my fifth husband was gay
And mother gave me up for adoption when I was born
But I'm not entirely convinced she didn't manipulate and/or abuse me first

Do you have any books for that?
For any of that?

Wouldn't it be great if there was just one big book called--

'Why You're Screwed Up'

I would write a book like that
But I have problems finishing what I start
Which is why I never got that degree psychology
Otherwise I could just be my own Tuesday therapist

You look a little irritated
Am I irritating you?

Or are you just afraid
Of a strong woman
Who speaks her mind?

What?

Oh!

My taser

Don't worry about that

I just like to have it out at all times
In case someone tries to mug me

A man once yelled at me
When I was seven
Just because I hit his car with my bike
And now I have a severe phobia
Regarding people approaching me
In any way

That's why I asked that you stand eight steps back

As long as you stay there
You're fine

I mean, you're not really fine
You're probably emotionally damaged
Most of us are

I shouldn't even use the word 'fine'

But I mean, as far as you and I are concerned
You're fine
We're fine

Everything's fine

By the way--

Where are your books on parenting?

My three-year-old, Phoenix, is a little high-strung
And I'd like to know where that comes from

Do you have any ideas?