It's Because You're Famous

Why do I want to sleep with you?

Isn’t it obvious?

It’s because you’re famous

Is that too direct?

Am I being too direct?

I could lie

I could say that after years of quietly loathing you

From across one of the three bars in town

That I suddenly developed

An immense attraction to you

But the truth is

It’s because you’re famous

Kind of

Sort of

Quasi-famous

I mean, you’ve been on that show ‘Nasty Boys’ for like, a year now, and it’s, like, probably not getting cancelled for at least another year, so it’s not like you’re only going to be famous for a little while, so I kind of have to acknowledge that you’ve moved up the social ladder and now, given the opportunity, I pretty much have to sleep with you.

It’s like, the way of the world

That episode where the other Nasty Boys had to explain addition to you

And you were like—

‘All I know is two plus two equals I’m the man!’

--That was so hot

I mean, I totally made fun of you

And was, like

This show is the downfall of civilization

But secretly

I yearned

And now here we are

And there’s an arrangement here:

You’re famous

So now people want to sleep with you

Who didn’t want to sleep with you before

Who, if you never became famous

Would never in a million years

Have even considered talking to you

Let alone engaging you in sexual activity

These people will then get to feel a small boost of self-esteem

Because they’ve had sex

With a piece

Of living pop culture

Having sex with you

Is like having sex with the first pet rock

Or Rubik’s cube

With, like, Count Chocula

Or Andy Warhol

Or Scooter from the Muppets

Who actually is sort of hot

If you really think about it

Meanwhile, you’ll get to hook up

With totally hot people

And know that you now have the power

To transcend the league you’re in

Based on physical appearance

Because of your status

And rather than make you feel sad

This will make you feel elated

See?

Everybody wins

Now, should I take my pants off

Or would you like me to do degrading things first?

Because I totally will

I just have to update my Facebook status first

To let everybody know we’re sleeping together

Otherwise, like—

What’s the point?