This Friggin' Hurricane

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Don't open the storm door!

If you open the storm door
We're all going to get sucked out
Into the typhoon!

Is that what you want?

Hello?

Christianna Marie?

It's your sister

YOUR SISTER!

She doesn't even know her own sister's voice
It's like I'm an only child

Christianna Marie, this friggin' hurricane
Has me scared to death

Me and Benny are down in the basement
Waiting for the storm to subside

Yeah, I know it was Sunday
But these hurricanes have aftershocks
And I don't want to be unprepared
So we're staying down here until Labor Day

I got my bottled water
I got my Soap Opera Digest
I got my manicure kit that I ordered from the Avon girl
I'm all set

Oh, and Benny's got his Rubik's cube

It'll take him years to figure that thing out

Bennyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Don't touch anything metal!

You touch something metal
You get hit by lightning

I don't care if we're inside
Lighting is everywhere
Like God

Lighting is like God

It's everywhere
And if you're bad
It'll hit you
And make you go blind

So stop touching metal
And anything else on your person

You're too young to be pubertizing

Christianna Marie, I'm going stir crazy down here

I've been calling all my neighbors to see if they have power

I got a little map on a wall down here
Saying who doesn't have power
And how long they've been in the dark

Then at the end of every day I call the electric company and say--

'Just so you know, Mrs. Beezler's going on her FOURTH DAY WITHOUT POWER!  You people should be ashamed!'

My boss is going five days without power

Five whole days, do you believe it?

He's like a celebrity or something

Pretty soon everybody's gonna have power
Then what the hell are we all supposed to talk about?

My Aunt Ida has power
But she lives in Kansas

I called her when I heard the hurricane was coming

I said, 'IDA!  GET TO A SHELTER!'

She said, 'Stop yelling.  I'm only fifty-four.  And I'm not going to a shelter.  I live in a land-locked state.'

As if I'm supposed to know
What the hell a land-locked state is!

Who am I?  Lewis and Park?  Chris Columbo?  Bosco de Gama?

I told her these hurricanes are sneaky
They don't care who they hurt

They'll find you

You hear that, Benny?!?!?!

They'll find you!

So you better be good
Or no presents!

(I figured I'd toss the hurricane in with Santa to get a few extra months of good behavior out of him.)

Aw, Christianna Marie
You should see him

Building a little bunker
Out of laundry baskets
And some splintered wood
He found underneath the chipper

Laundry baskets
Splintered wood
And copies of some magazines
He found in his father's toolbox

Bing, bang, boom, he's got a bunker

Yeah, he papered the walls of the bunker
With the pages in the magazines
His father was hiding

Now I can't get him
To come out of the damn thing
My little friggin' architect

BENNYYYY!!!  YOU'RE GOING TO BE ALL SET WHEN THOSE COMMUNISTS FROM NORTH SUDOKU NUKE US!

Hey, you gotta tell him the truth, Christianna Marie
It ain't pretty, but it's the truth

Mama used to say that when she'd talk about how that mole on your face was--

Well anyway, that's what she used to say

And that's how I raise my kids

With the god's honest truth

Now if you'll excuse me
We gotta go back to reading the Bible
So I can figure out
When the locusts are comin'

I want to make sure I put on bug spray first