The Polar Bear Retires

Well, first of all
Let me just say
I'm so glad you could all come here today

Especially you penguins
How are you assholes doing?

Flying yet?

Hahaha, I'm just joshing you guys

I know we've had our differences over the years
What with me eating you, and all
But I'm glad we put the past behind us
When we all came here to the zoo

I never thought I would retire
But I feel like the time has come

You can only swim in circles for so long
While schoolchildren point at you
Before you decide
That you need to do some living
While you still can

That's why I'm retiring
To the Africa exhibit

It was tricky thinking about
Where I wanted to spend
The next chapter of my life
But after a lot of soul-searching
I just realized that although the Australia exhibit is nice
Who the hell wants to spend that much time
Around those damn kangaroos
Am I right?

Hahaha

I'm just joshing you guys
You know I love you
And those stupid little stump arms of yours

But no, Africa is where I need to be

It's warm
There are a lot of places to sun yourself
And I've always wanted to know
What hippos taste like

Hahaha!

Joshing, guys, joshing

You hippos scare the shit out of me
In all honesty, you do

You're like pigs on steroids
It creeps me out

But I'm willing to risk tangoing with one of you
To have a nice, new life
Away from fake snow
Gray walls
And having to live across from the emus

Because those guys do nothing but masturbate

Emus, you know I'm not lying
Am I lying?

Hahaha!

I'm just joshing you

Well, everybody have some salmon cake
And hey, next year in Uganda, am I right?

Cheers!