Break Stuff

I would put on break stuff

And stay quiet

Really quiet

Sit in the closet

All the lights off

Just--

Just do all the things

Or

Or

Create all the surroundings

That a child creates

When they

When they want to scare themselves

Or

Or

What I thought

Kids would be scared of

I wasn’t really--

I don’t remember being scared

Of anything really

I remember

I--

I remember

Almost wanting

To be scared of something

Because it didn’t seem norma

To be so fearless

At such a young age

And I even--

I even understood that

To a certain, uh

To a certain extent

But as I got older

I kept waiting

For the fear

To reveal itself

But it never did

And so--

And so I got scared

Of not being scared

I would go after everything
Anything

That seemed like

It might take me closer

To being afraid

And for some reason

There was a safety in that

There was some comfort

In getting all done up in fear

And then not feeling it

Not feeling the fear

And thinking

That it’s--

That it’s something

Like being numb

Even when, uh--

Even when

It’s nothing like that

It’s something that’s, uh--

It’s this tension

This anxiety

Knowing

That at any minute

Fear is going to show up

And finally

Finally

Get its hands on you

I remember being

Ten or eleven

And putting on ‘Break Stuff’

Turning it up so loud

Nobody was home

Nobody was home but me

And, uh--

I would turn it up so loud

And night would come

And nobody would show up

To take care of me

To watch out for me

I don’t know--

I don’t know

Where anybody was

I was just--

I was just always alone

I’d go into the smallest space

In the house

A closet

Or sometimes a cupboard

Under the sink of something

And the lights would be off

And the music was so loud

And I was sure

Something or someone

Was going to get me

So I sat there

And I waited for it

I just waited

And nothing ever came

I’d fall asleep there

Even with the music

And the yearning

The desire

For fear

I’d fall asleep waiting

Feeling like

I had nothing

To worry about

And wondering

Why