The Thong Song

I’m going to tell you this

And you’re going to laugh

So before I tell you

I just want to ask

That you not laugh

Okay?

Okay, um, so--

My grandmother
Wanted a song

Her favorite song

Played

At her funeral

And, um, that song was--

The Thong Song

Yes

Yes

...Yes

By Sisqo

She--she loved that song

And, um, she, uh--

She pretty much hated

Everything else

And I’m not just talking

About music

I mean

She hated

Everything

She was--

Not the nicest person

You’ve ever met

She liked to yell

And throw things

And while you might say--

Well, maybe she was losing it

The doctors assured us

That she was totally in her own mind

Like, in a very firm

And, almost stubborn way

Right up until the end

The end being her one hundred and third birthday

She buried a lot of people

Let me tell you

And the one thing

The only thing

That brought her

Real joy in this life

Appeared to be

The Thong Song

So, um, she made it very clear

That that was what she wanted

Played at her funeral

Now, if you’re wondering

How easy it is

To get a funeral home

To allow you

To play The Thong Song

I can tell you

It’s not easy

It is--pretty much
Whatever the opposite is

Of easy

Hard doesn’t, um,

Doesn’t seem

Like a strong enough word

But we found one

We found a funeral home

With a sense of humor

Which, um, that was--

Lucky

For us

And, um--

The funeral happened

Lots of people showed up

Probably because they wanted to be sure

She was really dead

When you crest a hundred

And you’re still calling at least five people a day

Just to tell them

How much you dislike them

People start to wonder

If death is even possible for you

So there were all these people there

None of them crying
Not a one

All twelve of her children were there

And six of them were burying laughter

So, um, yeah

And playing The Thong Song

Really didn’t help

But, um, we did it

We played the song

And then we buried her

Along with our laughter

And we all got pizza

And went home

But you know what I wonder?

I wonder if anybody

Who likes The Thong Song

That much

Could really be

All that bad?

I mean, she was bad

She was--

Truly evil

But--

She also really loved

This anthem of, uh, you know

Misogyny

But also

Just

Pure joy

And, um--

I have to think

There’s something to that

You know?

I have to think

That deep down

Deep

Deep

Down

There had to be

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