The Empire Retreats

     (A community room.  MOX sits in a circle with ROF, BURST, and GUNCH.)

MOX:  So.  How's everybody feeling today?

ROF:  This is stupid.

MOX:  Rof, you don't have to participate if you don't want to, but maybe some of your co-workers have things they'd like to get off their chest?

ROF:  Fine.

BURST:  Mox, can I be heard?

ROF:  Sure, Burst.

BURST:  Um, well, since I lost my job on the Death Star, my moods are all over the place.

MOX:  That's so natural, Burst.  Can we all tell Burst how natural it is that they feel a little unstable because of what happened to the Death Star?

ROF:  Shouldn't we be fighting?

MOX:  HR feels that this retreat might be more beneficial for the three of you right now than fighting.

GUNCH:  I just want to say that I'm totally happy not to be fighting.

MOX:  Okay.  Interesting contribution.  Thank you, Gunch.

ROF:  That's because they're a coward.

MOX:  Rof, that sounds an awful lot like a judgment to me.

ROF:  That's because it is one.  They're a coward.

GUNCH:  Would a coward hide in a pile of bantha feces to avoid getting captured by the enemy?

ROF:  Yes, that's exactly what a coward would do.

GUNCH:  Oh wow, I guess I'm a coward.  You learn something new every day.

ROF:  You should be buried under the wrong side of a Hutt.

GUNCH:  There's a right side?

MOX:  Rof, I know you use humor to mask your hurt--

ROF:  No, I am hurt.  My arm got shot off during an interplanetary skirmish.  And my leg.  And my other leg.  I'm mostly robotic at this point.

MOX:  We'd all like to be robots, wouldn't we?  And not have to feel anything?

BURST:  I'd like to be a panda.

MOX:  Oh, we're not doing role-playing yet, Burst, but I appreciate your enthusiasm.

BURST:  Oh, sorry.  (A beat.)  I...feel like a panda.

MOX:  Still not--no.

GUNCH:  How long before we have to go back to fighting?

MOX:  That depends on you, Gunch.

GUNCH:  Really?  It does?

MOX:  The Empire wants to make sure you're healthy enough to wipe out the Resistance.

GUNCH:  Oh, it might be awhile before I feel that...healthy.

ROF:  Gunch is fine.  They're just scared of fighting.

MOX:  Fighting takes a lot of mental acuity, Rof.

ROF:  We're talking about firing a gun and flying a warship and destroying galaxies full of people.  It's not quantum physics.

GUNCH:  It kind of is quantum physics.

BURST:  I fired my gun once.

ROF:  You fired it into your foot, Burst.

BURST:  It hurt a lot.

MOX:  Let's talk about why it hurt so much, Burst.

ROF:  Do we have to?  I think it's pretty self-explanatory.

MOX:  Burst, can you tell Rof why you hurt yourself?

BURST:  I thought there was a bug on my foot, but it turned out to be a grape I dropped on my toe.

ROF:  How did you ever make it past storm-trooper academy?

BURST:  There's an academy?

GUNCH:  I took the express class.

ROF:  There is no express class.

GUNCH:  Maybe I'm thinking of that time I became a line cook.

MOX:  That sounds fascinating.

ROF:  No, it doesn't.

GUNCH:  Any of you ever see a guy get ripped in half by a pack of Wookies?

MOX:  Did seeing something like that affect you, Gunch?

GUNCH:  I wish.  I'm not sure they'd actually do something like that.  I just wrote about it in my Wookie fanfic forum.

ROF:  I knew that's what you were doing on the Commander's laptop.

GUNCH:  Why don't you mind your own business, Rof?

ROF:  Why don't you stop trying to kiss Wookies?

GUNCH:  IF I EVER MET A BEAUTIFUL WOOKIE IN REAL LIFE I WOULD NEVER TRY TO KISS IT THAT IS SO DISRESPECTFUL YOU START WITH A HUG EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

MOX:  Okay, this is getting a little heated.

BURST:  Should we sing a song?

MOX:  We could.  We could sing a song.  But we could also use some new tools I've been using that I call emotional lightsabers.

ROF:  Whatever that is, I'm not interested.

GUNCH:  Is it like a real lightsaber?  Can I slice somebody in half with it?

MOX:  No, it's about aiming your feelings at someone and letting them feel the full weight of it.

BURST:  Can I have two lightsabers?

MOX:  No, it's--They're not actual lightsabers, Burst.  It's just about empowering you to embrace your emotions.

BURST:  But can I still have two?

ROF:  Burst can have mine.

MOX:  Rof, it's really important that you engage with this process.

ROF:  Can't you just fire me into the vacuum of space?

GUNCH:  You should do it.  The button for that is so fun.  Not every button is as fun as every other button, but the 'vacuum of space' button is the BEST.  Such a satisfying push.

BURST:  Can I push the button?

MOX:  Nobody is pushing any button.  We are going to sit here and talk and open up and not slice anybody in half and LEARN SOMETHING about each other.

     (A beat.)

BURST:  Sometimes I crawl into the G9 units and make beep beep blooping noises whenever someone walks by me.

     (A moment.)

MOX:  Well, I think that's enough for today.

GUNCH:  Can I hang out here for a few more weeks until we figure out who's going to win?  I don't want to end up half a toaster like Rof.

ROF:  At least we didn't have to work with puppets.

MOX:  That's tomorrow.

ROF:  Ugh.

BURST:  Can I be a puppet?

ROF, MOX, and GUNCH:  No.

     (The End.)