Would Your Mother Throw This Out?

(A game show set.)

TRACY: We're back with America's favorite game show--'Would Your Mother Throw This Out?' The game where children try to guess whether or not their mother would throw something out that clearly needs to be discarded of immediately. Competing today are Cindy and her son Nick.

CINDY: Hi Tracy.

NICK: What channel is this on? TRACY: I think we're on Hulu, but Hu-knows? Oh! I played Medea five years ago, and now I'm here. Life's funny. And you know who else is funny? Christine and her son Jim. How are you two doing? JIM: I can't believe I'm on television.

NICK: I can. Everybody's on television.

TRACY: Okay then!

NICK: Dad's on Survivor right now.

JIM: My Dad's on Beat Bobby Flay.

NICK: That's cable, but cool, I guess.

TRACY: Let's play the game! Mom's, I'm going to need you to stay quiet--

NICK: Good luck with that.

TRACY: --As we ask your sons to match your answers from earlier when we asked you whether or not you'd throw something out.

CINDY: Got it, Flip.

CHRISTINE: I just want to say that gay people are the same as everyone else.

NICK: Mom!

CHRISTINE: It may not be politically correct to say, but it's how I feel.

NICK: Mom, it's actually very politically correct.

CHRISTINE: I'M NOT STAYING SILENT ANYMORE.

TRACY: First item! A clown doll--

JIM: Oh god.

TRACY: --But the stuffing's all fallen out and one of the eyes is missing. Would your Mother throw this out? Jim, this one is for you.

JIM: Of course she would. Why would she keep something like that?

TRACY: Cindy? CINDY: I said I wouldn't throw it out.

JIM: What? Why?

CINDY: I can put the stuffing back in. It's still good.

JIM: What about the missing eye? CINDY: It's probably under the couch.

JIM: What do you need with a clown doll? CINDY: What do I need to explain myself for?

JIM: You don't need a clown doll!

CINDY: So what if I don't need it? Maybe I just like it!

JIM: Throw it out!

CINDY: Throw it out when I'm dead! How about that? TRACY: Okay! That got a little heated, but we're still looking to get some points on the board. Nick, you're up.

NICK: Do we win money for this or--

TRACY: You win an Olive Garden gift card.

CHRISTINE: Oh, I love the all-you-can-eat salad. You get so full, you don't even want your meal when they bring it to you.

NICK: You say that like it's a good thing.

CHRISTINE: It is. You think I need to gain any more weight? Look at me. Your aunt lost fifty pounds on Weight Watchers. You know who thinks she's too good for everybody? Oprah. Okay, let's play.

TRACY: No way to make sense of that, but here we go! Nick, would your Mom throw out a forty cent pen that's run out of ink?

NICK: Absolutely.

TRACY: Christine? CHRISTINE: No way.

NICK: Mom!

CHRISTINE: Just leave it in the drawer.

NICK: But it doesn't work.

CHRISTINE: I said, Just leave it in the drawer in the hutch.

JIM: What's a hutch?

NICK: Nobody knows. CHRISTINE: Just leave it.

NICK: But why? CHRISTINE: Because I'm your mother, that's why.

NICK: I'm throwing it out.

CHRISTINE: You better not.

NICK: I am.

CHRISTINE: You better not.

NICK: I AM.

CHRISTINE: DO I TOUCH YOUR THINGS? NICK: YOU WANT TO TOUCH MY EMPTY PENS? CHRISTINE: Tell you what. When I win the lottery, you can throw out all my good pens and buy me new pens and I can live like your aunt who acts like she's made of money even though your uncle doesn't work because he doesn't have to because he got that settlement from the accident when he got hit with that frisbee at the rodeo and now they live in West Warwick and act like they're the Kennedy's, but until then, you leave my pens alone and tell Oprah Winfrey to mind her own business!

NICK: OPRAH WINFREY HASN'T HAD A TALK SHOW IN YEARS!

CHRISTINE: SHE STILL THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

TRACY: Wow, all right, there is a LOT going on here. But we have to keep it moving. Jim, we asked your mother if she would throw out a wet cardboard box. What did she say?

JIM: Ugh. I really want to say she'd throw it out, but I feel like...she wouldn't?

CINDY: I said I wouldn't.

JIM: Mom, why wouldn't you throw that out?

CINDY: It's a box. I always need boxes.

JIM: It's wet.

CINDY: It'll dry. Don't you know how science works? What did they teach you in college?

JIM: You want a box? I'll get you a box.

CINDY: You always say you're going to get me boxes, and then you forget.

JIM: Because you don't really need them.

CINDY: Yes, I do.

JIM: For what? CINDY: I need something to put the clown doll in.

JIM: WHY DO YOU NEED THE CLOWN DOLL?

TRACY: That's one point for Jim and Cindy. Nick, here's your chance to catch up. Would your mother throw out a used mousetrap?

NICK: You mean with the mouse still in it?

TRACY: Yes.

NICK: I--Jesus, I--I--Oh god, I can't believe I'm saying this, but...I think she'd...Oh my god...

TRACY: Say it, Nick.

NICK: I think...she'd keep it?

TRACY: That is...correct.

NICK: WHY? Why can't we just throw it out?

CHRISTINE: Let your father do it.

NICK: He's on Survivor!

CHRISTINE: He'll do it when he gets home.

NICK: We can throw it out!

CHRISTINE: Let him do it.

NICK: We're adults.

CHRISTINE: Nick, let your father do it.

NICK: I'm an engineer. You're a nurse. You take people's blood for a living. I--engineer things. We can throw out a mouse.

CHRISTINE: Your father likes to do it. Let him do it.

NICK: He LIKES to--This is--

TRACY: Fun! Yes, it is! And we've reached the final round. Points are double, so Nick, it's still anyone's game.

JIM: It doesn't feel like anybody's really winning here, Flip.

CINDY: Jim, stop, I haven't been to Olive Garden in months. Don't blow this for me.

TRACY: We asked both your mothers about the same item to see if they would throw it out. Here we go--Would your mothers throw out...honey?

JIM: Uh...okay, so...I'm going to say...'No.'

NICK: I will...say...'Yes.'

JIM: Don't you know how to play the game by now? They won't throw anything out. That's the point.

NICK: Except honey never goes bad. So--

CHRISTINE: I'd throw it out.

CINDY: Me too.

TRACY: Nick and Christine win the game!

JIM: But that doesn't make any sense!

CINDY: Honey, you can't keep food around that long.

JIM: But it doesn't go bad!

CINDY: All food goes bad--except for cantaloupes and egg salad.

JIM: No, that DOES go bad, but honey doesn't! Sugar doesn't go bad either. Neither does salt. Rice doesn't go bad.

CHRISTINE: Who's going to eat rice with a used mousetrap in it?

NICK: Mom, will you please throw that out?

CHRISTINE: WAIT FOR YOUR FATHER, I SAID!

TRACY: Thanks for watching, everybody!

CHRISTINE: AND TELL OPRAH TO MIND HER BUSINESS!

TRACY: Have a good night.

(MUSIC plays.)

The End