Barbie Quits

I have dyed my hair black
Not brown, not light brown
Not peach or pink or cherry red

Black

Because, from this point on
I will no longer be
The bubbly, happy
Dream Car driving
Malibu bimbo
You sons-of-bitches have forced me to be
For all these years

Do you realize that I am fifty-two years old
And I have never frowned once!

Do you know what that does to a person?

To never experience sorrow or loss
Like when my kid sister, Skipper
Failed to sell well
And was taken off the market?

I just had to carry on with my life
As if everything was normal

I had to stay upbeat
Because the Barbie Astronaut line
Was being unveiled
And if it didn't sell
Two manufacturing plants
Were going to be shut down
Right before Christmas

Are you hearing what it is I'm saying here?

If I didn't convince little girls
That I, a doll who up to that point
Had only ever been a baby-sitter
And a dog-walker
Was now capable of walking on the moon
Then thousands of people
Were going to be out of work

Do you have any idea how much pressure that is?

It's not like they gave me acting classes
There was no acting class Barbie
There was no 'goes to college' Barbie
There was no 'vacations in Aruba while she writes poetry on the beach so she can reflect on her life' Barbie

Do you know that most real women my age
Are going through Menopause
And I'm supposed to launch a new ad campaign next month
Where I'm a genetic scientist who comes with a cute little dog named Terry
And a brush for combing her hair

Because apparently
Toymakers think that in between studying D.N.A.
And coming up with cures for cancer
Geneticists are really preoccupied with making sure
Their bangs look just great

Well, screw that

I cut my hair

I cut it, I dyed it
And I got a tattoo on my arm
That says 'Newsflash: Ken's Gay'

Are you really all that surprised?
The man has blonde streaks in his hair
I mean, c'mon

I don't think they're going to be
Putting me in an ad campaign anytime soon

Not unless they want to do
A Sons of Anarchy Barbie

Actually, I wouldn't be totally opposed to--

Never mind!

The point is, I'm quitting

I'm quitting and nobody can change my mind

It was one thing when they wanted me to be a mindless tramp
With great cars and great houses
And perfect hair

But now I'm supposed to have it all
And do it all

I'm supposed to be the tramp and the physical trainer
And the scientist and the astronaut
And the zookeeper and the nurse
And the school teacher and the pioneer women
And I say No!

No, no, no

Before we were teaching little girls
That they couldn't be anything
Now we're teaching them
That they have to be everything!

Or their gay plastic boyfriend
Won't love them

Well, you know what I want to be?

I want to be a chain-smoking, line-dancing
Guitar-playing, ice sculptor

That's who I've wanted to be
That's who I've always wanted to be

Oh, and I want my sister back

Even if she was a total moron

So you're going to have find some other girl
To play dress up with

Because from now on
I'm putting on my own damn clothes
And I'm wearing whatever I want