Keeping the Illusion

This is really ridiculous
So I hesitate to even explain it
But I guess I have to explain it
Or you're waste to spend an inordinate amount of time
Asking me about it

I'll tell you why we can't see each other anymore
But you can't go on and on about how irrational my reason for it is
Because even though I'm fully aware it's irrational
You need to be fully aware of the fact that we're talking about dating here
And what about dating is rational anyway?

Right?

Right

Okay

The reason I can't see you anymore
Is because, when you told me that you went on a date with someone else
Even though we're not exclusive
And even though we've only been on a couple of dates
And even though I totally believe you when you say you didn't sleep with this other person
Effectively, what you've done
Is kill the illusion
Of what I thought
You and I could be

See, and again, I know this is unfair and crazy and stupid, but hear me out, okay?

Our first date went well, right?
And so, I started liking you right away
And you liked me
And even though we were both doing the whole cool and casual thing
I think both of us saw this headed for a relationship
But because we live in modern times
We have to continue to explore other options
Because getting serious that fast
Is considered a sign of immaturity, or old-fashioned, um, ness, or whatever
And I understand that
Like, I totally understand that
And I understand the reasoning behind it
Even though so many people just say to hell with it
And move in together after the first hour of talking
But, in today's society, we consider those sorts of people really trashy, or dumb, or whatever
Even though, I think, secretly, at least, for me, I kind of--

--want to be one of those people

Or at least
Have what those people have

This confidence
In love, or each other
Or, uh, yeah, whatever

I want that

BUT I still play this game
This, you know, dating game
Where I sort of take everything slow
And explore and discover and--

Like, when did we all become explorers, you know?

Like, how did dating
Become this 'exploring' thing
Where suddenly I'm like Columbus
And I have to keep finding new worlds
That aren't even the worlds I think they--

Ugh, never mind
I'm sorry
I'm off track

The thing is, when you told me
'Oh yeah, I went on a date with someone else'

I know you were just
Being honest
Totally honset
Because full disclosure is ANOTHER part of modern society
That seems to be healthy
And yet, really kind of isn't
Because if you hadn't told me about the date
I never would have known

I mean, I assume you're going on dates with other people
Because I am, and yes, that makes me a hypocrite
But again, in dating, we're allowed to sort of
Behave really poorly
At least, in our heads
Stop seeing people for stupid reasons
And it's like, oh hey, well, you're entitled--it's DATING

I'm getting ahead of myself

The point is, I would never tell you about my dates
To, you know, spare your feelings, or--

It's just, you know
It's just unnecessary

Like, it's totally unnecessary to do that
To let the other person know that--

That...

That what?

What am I trying to say?

Well, it's like--the illusion
You know how I mentioned 'the illusion'

The illusion is
That the moment you laid eyes on me
You were sure
That I was
The one

And I don't mean this from an egotistical standpoint
What I mean is that I think that's what we all secretly hope for
This, you know, this--being sure of someone
Or your connection with someone

And so the minute you meet someone
There's this hope

This hope that right away
You'll like them
And they'll like you
And they'll, more than that
More than liking you
Be certain of you

Even though you're not certain of them
Even though realistically it should be totally fine
For both of you to grow to like and care about each other over time
Even though that seems to be the more realistic and mature thing to have happen

Even though all of that is true
There's still the illusion
The dream, you know?

And we're allowed to have that, aren't we?
That hope that maybe
We'll get the fairy tale

We'll get the storybook romance
Where someone looks at us
And right away says 'That's the one!'

You telling me about that date
Though, again, is very mature and healthy
It's just--

It's just like you're saying--

I wasn't certain of you

I had to keep exploring

And even though, you know
I should get over it
And keep seeing you
And down the line
Get involved in a serious thing with you
And just accept the fact
That normal routine of things go--

Meet, date casually, date others while dating casually
Date more seriously, then become exclusive, I just--

I guess I'm just one of those people
Who wants to hold out
For the person
Who's going to know, you know?

The person who's just going to look at me
And know

Call it a dream
Or a fantasy
Or an illusion, or whatever
But...

It's what I want

And so I could tell you
That the reason we can't see each other anymore
Is because we're on different paths
Or you're too this or I'm too that
But this is the real reason

This is the honest reason
I'm being honest with you
Like you were with me

And so I'm sorry

But what it really is
Is that if it comes down to choosing you
Or choosing to keep my illusion

I'm keeping the illusion

Hey, and if it makes you feel any better
Usually, when I make this decision
I get the distinct feeling
That one day I might wind up
With nothing but the illusion

But I still take it

I still keep taking
That chance