The Sharks Discuss Eating Humans

"So you ate the guy?"
"No, he got out."
"Man, Ira, you really have to stop this."
"Stop what?"
"Trying to eat people."
"Why should I?"
"It's murder!"
"It's food."
"Seals are food.  Humans are complex beings."
"Have you ever talked to a seal?"
"Well--"
"Have you?  Because I have had some of the best conversations in my life with seals right before I ate them."
"So it's all the same to you?  Humans, seals, polar bears--"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa.  Who said anything about polar bears?"
"I was just--"
"I would never eat a polar bear.  They're an endangered species.  I'm not heartless, Don."
"But you'll eat people?"
"People aren't endangered!"
"What about a little girl?"
"A little girl?"
"Would you eat a little girl?"
"Who would leave a little girl swimming alone in an ocean?"
"It's just--"
"What kind of irresponsible parent would let their young daughter go swimming in shark-infested waters all by herself?"
"That was just an example of--"
"Well, that's a lousy example.  I mean, honestly, Don, I can't even imagine how a situation like that would occur.  And if it did, I'd probably just feel so bad for the daughter, I'd have to turn around and go home so I could see my own kids and remind them that there are some real sickos out there in the world who don't love their kids as much as I love mine."
"So you wouldn't eat her?"
"No, I would probably eat her then go home and talk to my kids."
"That's deplorable!"
"It's the circle of life, Don."
"Ira, there is no circle that includes a grown shark eating a small child."
"Again, I ask, where are the parents?"
"Maybe you ate them too!"
"All in one day?  I doubt it.  I get full very fast.  It's this fast metabolism of mine."
"Why can't you just stick to seals?"
"Don, we live in a time of scarcity.  The oceans are drying up."
"They're actually growing.  Global warming is melting the icecaps so--"
"The point is, one day we're all going to be swimming around in a desert.  So we have to eat what we can when we can.  We can't be picky.  Do you want to wind up like the polar bears?  Eating our own heads because we can't get to anything else?"
"Polar bears don't do that."
"It'd be a horror show!"
"I'm not sure it's even possible to eat your own head."
"All I'm saying is, you have to eat what's in front of you.  And if what's in front of you is a twenty-six year old surfer with milky white legs that taste like salmon, then that's what's for dinner."
"I'm not sure we can be friends anymore."
"Don, c'mon now--"
"No, seriously, you repulse me."
"Well.  I'm sorry you feel that way, Don."
"Best of luck with everything, Ira."
"You know it's just--"
"If you see me at the annual feeding frenzy at Seal Rock then--"
"I'll politely wave a fin and that'll be that."
"Great."
"Great."
"Okay then."
"You know, Don, it's pretty sad when little things like eating humans can come between friends."
"Well, that, and I just don't like you."
"Fair enough, Don.  Fair enough."