Don't Worry About It

(DAD and JESSICA in a

furniture store.)

JESSICA:  Dad, I don’t want

to spend that much time in here.

DAD:  I just want to make

sure you don’t get cheated.

JESSICA:  Okay, first of all,

it’s a furniture store, not a

used car dealership.

DAD:  They all get you one

way or another, trust me. 

You’re lucky I’m here.

JESSICA:  I just want to get

what I need and get out, okay?

DAD:  Jessica, you’re talking

about spending a lot of money. 

You can’t just waltz in the door

and start signing whatever

contract they put in front of

you.  You have to think about

this stuff.

JESSICA:  Dad, Google bought

my app.  I can basically buy

this entire store if I want to.  I

just want to fill up my house

and be done with the whole thing.

DAD:  Hey listen, just because

you’re rich now, that doesn’t

mean you’ll always be rich. 

Look at your Uncle Mike.

JESSICA:  Uncle Mike got

caught selling drugs to lawyers

in strip club parking lots.

DAD:  And now he’s not rich

anymore.  What I’m saying

is--Don’t count your chickens.

JESSICA:  Shouldn’t you be

saying ‘Don’t sell drugs?'

DAD:  He was only selling

high-class drugs.  It was

very exclusive.

JESSICA:  I just want to buy

a couch I can fall asleep on

while I try to watch whatever

HBO tells me is impressive.

DAD:  I like to fall asleep to

Westworld.  Sometimes I

don’t even make it past the

opening credits.

JESSICA:  That couch over

there looks nice.

(A beat.)

DAD:  Jessica, my love--

JESSICA:  Oh god.

DAD:  --You see that couch?

JESSICA:  Yes, Dad.

DAD:  I could make you that couch.

JESSICA:  You could...make

me a couch?

DAD:  I could.

JESSICA:  Just like that one?

DAD:  Yup.

JESSICA:  Dad, that’s probably

a five thousand dollar couch.

DAD:  I could make it for thirty

bucks.

(A beat.)

JESSICA:  How?

DAD:  Don’t worry about it. 

You want a couch like that?

JESSICA:  I want that couch.

DAD:  You’re not spending all

that money on a thirty dollar

couch.

JESSICA:  It’s not thirty dollars,

Dad.

DAD:  It’s all mark-up.  You pay

them five grand, they spend thirty

bucks, and the rest goes into

Johnny Fat Cat’s pockets.

JESSICA:  Who’s Johnny Fat Cat?

DAD:  The guy at the top.

JESSICA:  At the top of what?

DAD:  The chain.

JESSICA:  There’s a chain?

DAD:  A secret chain.

JESSICA:  If it’s a secret, how

do you know it exists?

DAD:  Don’t worry about it. 

Just trust your old man.

JESSICA:  I liked the bed set

we saw when we walked in.

DAD:  You liked that bed set?

JESSICA:  ...Yes.

DAD:  You liked that bed set?

JESSICA:  ...Yes.

DAD:  You liked that bed set?

JESSICA:  I...Yes.

DAD:  I got a friend who owns

a store over on Branch Ave--

JESSICA:  Here we go.

DAD:  He’s got a bed set just

like that one.  Won’t charge

you a thing.

JESSICA:  It’s just like that one?

DAD:  Yup.

JESSICA:  It’s just like that Italian

bed set made by one of the most

prominent furniture designers in

Europe?

DAD:  Yup.

JESSICA:  And he’s going to

give it to me for free?

DAD:  Yup.

JESSICA:  Why would he do that?

DAD:  Don’t worry about it.

JESSICA:  Dad, we’re here now.

I don’t want to go to Branch Ave

and get some bootleg bed set

when I can afford the real thing.

DAD:  But you don’t need to afford

anything.  That’s what I’m trying to

tell you.

JESSICA:  I know you don’t want

to hear this, but occasionally,

you do have to pay for things.

DAD:  Don’t talk like that.  You

trying to break my heart?

JESSICA:   I have money.

DAD:  It’s not about money.  It’s

about principle. They’re trying

to get you.

JESSICA:  Johnny Fat Cat

and the Chain of Crooks?

DAD:  Now, you’re paying

attention.

JESSICA:  What else does

your friend have at his store?

DAD:  Whatever you need,

he has.  You need a bed set?

He’s got it.  You need a

monkey wrench? He’s got it. 

You need a dalmatian? He’s

two, and a greyhound mix.

JESSICA:  What kind of store

is this?

DAD:  Don’t worry about it. 

He owes your old man a favor.

JESSICA:  Can I at least

buy a kitchen table while

I’m here?

DAD:  You’re going to spend

money on a kitchen table?

JESSICA:  Dad--

DAD:  You know how many

kitchen tables your grandfather

has in his basement?

JESSICA:  What?

DAD:  He’s got every kind of

kitchen table you can imagine. 

You can’t even walk in his

basement without hitting a

kitchen table.  I’ll take you

there right now. You don’t see

your grandfather enough

anyway.  He’s always asking

about you.

JESSICA:  I go see him at

least four times a week.  He

always thinks I’m Cousin Gina.

DAD:  The man’s ninety-eight

years old.  You can’t expect

him to remember more than

one grand kid.  You’re lucky he

remembers all the people he

hated growing up.

JESSICA:  Why would that

make me lucky?

DAD:  The point is--you’re not

spending perfectly good money

on a kitchen table when you

can get one that’s never even

been used.

JESSICA:  Grandpa’s basement

is the dirtiest place on earth, and

that’s where you want me to get

my kitchen table?

DAD:  Ohhhhh, you’re too good

to have a dirty kitchen table now?

  Well, excuse me, Princess Grace.

JESSICA:  I’m not leaving here

without a kitchen table.

DAD:  Why do you have to

make everything so complicated? 

Just let me build you a couch,

pick up a free bed set at my

friend’s store behind the old

candy warehouse, and pull

a kitchen table from 1947

out of your grandfather’s

basement.  We’re going to

have to clean it out eventually

anyway.

JESSICA:  Dad, why would grandpa

have multiple kitchen tables in his

basement?

DAD & JESSICA:  Don’t worry about it.

DAD:  Jessica, you’re getting older. 

You got a great job. You’re smart. 

Smarter than your old man.

You got a great partner.

JESSICA:  You’re talking about my

cat, aren’t you?

DAD:  I am.

JESSICA:  Okay, continue.

DAD:  There’s not much I can do

for you anymore, so just let me

help with this, okay?

(A beat.)

JESSICA:  Okay.

DAD:  Okay?

JESSICA:  Okay.

DAD:  Thank you.

JESSICA:  But we have to stop at

the market on the way home.  I

need ice cream.

(A beat.)

DAD:  You know, I know a guy who

can sell you ice cream out of his

car for a fraction of what--

JESSICA:  Dad.

DAD:  Sorry.  By the way, that guy

I saw leaving your house when I

picked you up--

JESSICA:  Don’t worry about it.

End of Play