(ACTORS sitting in a theater. Notes
is just about to begin.)
DIRECTOR: Does anybody have any
questions?
ACTOR #1: Hi, yes, so, I don’t know if
you noticed, but some people arrrrrrrrre
talking backstage, and, like, I know that
ever as professional theater artists we
all make mistakes, but if everybody could
remember that they’re a professional
theater artist, I would really appreciate it,
and I just want everyone to know this is
coming from me with love in my heart
and thank you and this show is a blessing
and you’re all my family even though we
just met five weeks ago.
ACTOR #2: Um, some people arrrrrrre not
saying some of their lines the same way
every night and it’s really throwing me off
in Scene Three, and then I really feel like
the trajectory of the show is just ruined
at that point, and even though I’m only
playing Young Doctor with Three Lines,
I feel that one weak link means the entire
SHOW is weak, and I’ve done so much
work with this character, you guys, like
adding the word ‘Young’ to the front of his
name, which I believe to be ‘Doctor,’ like
I don’t think it’s just his profession, I think
it’s, like, literally who he IS, and, um, I
just don’t want someone else, like, you
know, trying things, and altering my journey
within the world of this play even though
I am very pro-choice, both in terms of the
female body and speaking lines in a play,
but just, like, that’s sort of a rehearsal
thing? And not a performance thing?
And it would just be great if we all could
respect that?
ACTOR #3: Some people arrrrrrrre burping
ACTOR #3: Some people arrrrrrrre burping
really loud in the dressing room and I would
like that to stop.
ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
sorry, fam, you’re my fam, truly, but, uh,
some people--who are theater professionals
as we all are--are, like, getting very close to
me onstage, like, closer than previously
agreed upon in terms of the blocking that
was given to us, and as someone who
once had a rodeo clown stand too close
to me, I just get really anxious about stuff
like that. So if everybody could just please
stand at least fourteen hundred feet away
from me at all times, I would truly appreciate
it, and I say this wanting to marry each and
every single one of you and bear your beautiful
children. Thank you.
ACTOR #2: Ummm, some people are insinuating
that I’m making Scene Three about me, and,
um, I don’t know who THOSE people studied
with, but I studied with Frances Noddleton,
who played Kirk Cameron’s history teacher
on Growing Pains, and um, she was very
insistent that I focus on the story I’m trying
to tell at any given moment regardless of
whether or not I’m the quote unquote ‘lead’
or Young Doctor or the guy in the tortilla chips
commercial who’s supposed to be standing
at the back of the Mexican restaurant not
drawing attention to himself by having an
asthma attack. Like, we all have our own
stories to tell, and I just think we should be
respectful of everybody’s story and let them
tell it even if they feel the urge to tell it during
our ballad--or like, whenever. So hopefully
we can just respect that.
ACTOR #3: Some people are leaving photos
of dead parrots all over the dressing room
and I just want to say it’s definitely not me.
ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
sorry, I, sorry, uh, sorry, I just want to say that
some people might need to be reminded that
asking out people in the cast is not really cool
because those people might not want to date
you but you should probably ask them out anyway
because otherwise they'll think you don't want
to date them and that might affect their self-esteem
and just overall sense of worth and that might be
why they missed their entrance in Act Two tonight
because they were, like, thinking about that, so,
like, if anybody DOES want to ask anybody in the
cast out, as inappropriate as that would be, I think
you should just go for it, Henry, because I'm not
getting any younger and if you are sleeping with
Naomi, I'm going to my lose my mind, so, just,
let all that sit with you for a second, everyone,
general thing, question, note, suggestion there
for everyone, so just, you know, live with that
truth for a minute, and, you know, love you all,
wish I could live in a trailer with all of you while
we film a Transformers movie.
ACTOR #2: Ummmmmmmmmmmm some people
are saying that I'm taking too long when I bow, but,
like, the way I look at is, I'm not telling anybody how
long to take for THEIR bow, I'm just being in the moment
of the bow, and lately that moment has been anywhere
from two to three minutes, and that's because of the
relationship I'm cultivating with my audience, which is
a very personal and unique thing that, like, I don't think
anybody should be infringing upon, so, like, by all means,
take as long as you want to bow the way I am, and, like,
if I need to go somewhere, I'll just quietly duck out once
my bow is done, and we can just all respect each other's
individual relationships with the audience and each other
and the Universe and the spirit of the theater.
ACTOR #3: Someone said I didn't put in last night
when we all split an app platter at Chili's, but I threw a
twenty in so that's not true. ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
are saying that I'm taking too long when I bow, but,
like, the way I look at is, I'm not telling anybody how
long to take for THEIR bow, I'm just being in the moment
of the bow, and lately that moment has been anywhere
from two to three minutes, and that's because of the
relationship I'm cultivating with my audience, which is
a very personal and unique thing that, like, I don't think
anybody should be infringing upon, so, like, by all means,
take as long as you want to bow the way I am, and, like,
if I need to go somewhere, I'll just quietly duck out once
my bow is done, and we can just all respect each other's
individual relationships with the audience and each other
and the Universe and the spirit of the theater.
ACTOR #3: Someone said I didn't put in last night
when we all split an app platter at Chili's, but I threw a
twenty in so that's not true. ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
sorry, I, sorry, uh, sorry, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
some people are, sorry, some, um, some people,
um, some people are apparently learning my role,
like the lines and the movement and everything, in
the event that, like, something happens to me and
I can't go on, and, like, apparently these people are
called understudies, and, like, I was not aware that
in the event that I couldn't go on due to something
serious like an illness or emotional distress due to
my salad order being messed up at Panera, that,
like, we wouldn't just cancel the show altogether.
So I need whoever this 'understudy' is--I know
I could look up their name, but, like, why give them
the satisfaction? I need whoever it is to put something
in writing saying that if they do ever go on for me
because I'm deathly sick or, like, that weird tooth in
the back of my mouth finally falls out, they, the
'understudy' has to PROMISE in WRITING that they
will not be as good as me, and will, in fact, be bad.
Thank you all so much if any of you ever need kidneys
you can have ALL my kidneys, I promise, don't even
hesitate to ask.
ACTOR #2: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
some people are claiming that I made up a monologue
onstage last night instead of saying one of my three
lines, when really, I was just totally possessed by
the organic flow of the play, and felt the playwright's
spirit pass through me and through the mouth of my
character who felt compelled to talk about the time
they went skiing and realized on their way down the
mountain that what they really wanted to do with their
life was become a pastry chef--and, like, to ignore
the writer's wishes and NOT say that speech feels like
it would have been, like, so not cool, and yes, I know
some of you are saying that, like, the playwright is still
alive and was in the audience last night and was really
mad, but I'm not talking about the physical playwright,
I'm talking about the soul of the manifestation of the
playwright as it exists as a group of atoms in our solar
system and I think we should all respect that and respect
whatever comes out of me while I'm channeling that soul
and not complain about it and thank you.
ACTOR #3: You know what? If I don't want to wash my
hair for a few months, that's my business.
ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
some people are, sorry, some, um, some people,
um, some people are apparently learning my role,
like the lines and the movement and everything, in
the event that, like, something happens to me and
I can't go on, and, like, apparently these people are
called understudies, and, like, I was not aware that
in the event that I couldn't go on due to something
serious like an illness or emotional distress due to
my salad order being messed up at Panera, that,
like, we wouldn't just cancel the show altogether.
So I need whoever this 'understudy' is--I know
I could look up their name, but, like, why give them
the satisfaction? I need whoever it is to put something
in writing saying that if they do ever go on for me
because I'm deathly sick or, like, that weird tooth in
the back of my mouth finally falls out, they, the
'understudy' has to PROMISE in WRITING that they
will not be as good as me, and will, in fact, be bad.
Thank you all so much if any of you ever need kidneys
you can have ALL my kidneys, I promise, don't even
hesitate to ask.
ACTOR #2: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
some people are claiming that I made up a monologue
onstage last night instead of saying one of my three
lines, when really, I was just totally possessed by
the organic flow of the play, and felt the playwright's
spirit pass through me and through the mouth of my
character who felt compelled to talk about the time
they went skiing and realized on their way down the
mountain that what they really wanted to do with their
life was become a pastry chef--and, like, to ignore
the writer's wishes and NOT say that speech feels like
it would have been, like, so not cool, and yes, I know
some of you are saying that, like, the playwright is still
alive and was in the audience last night and was really
mad, but I'm not talking about the physical playwright,
I'm talking about the soul of the manifestation of the
playwright as it exists as a group of atoms in our solar
system and I think we should all respect that and respect
whatever comes out of me while I'm channeling that soul
and not complain about it and thank you.
ACTOR #3: You know what? If I don't want to wash my
hair for a few months, that's my business.
ACTOR #1: Hi, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but,
sorry, I, sorry, uh, sorry, yeah, sorry, um, sorry, but, um,
yeah, sorry, Peter Frampton, um, yeah, so, yeah, like,
but, it's, yeah, so, never mind, but also, why, like, who
cares, and yeah. Love you all. Some of you. Some...
people of you...yeah.
ACTOR #2: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
somebody moved my prop silver platter a few inches
to the right on the prop table, and I would appreciate
you not doing that again, because while it may seem
like a few inches to you, it really threw me, and I could
barely keep the energy up during my impromptu
monologue so please respect me and my platter.
ACTOR #3: Apparently I was never officially cast in
this show, which I find really rude and insulting, so I'm just going to leave before anybody tries enforcing
the restraining order. Not necessary. Not needed.
Break a leg, Macbeth and goodnight.
ACTOR #1: I have a few more notes.
ACTOR #2: Me too.
ACTOR #3: MACBETH! (The night never ends.)
yeah, sorry, Peter Frampton, um, yeah, so, yeah, like,
but, it's, yeah, so, never mind, but also, why, like, who
cares, and yeah. Love you all. Some of you. Some...
people of you...yeah.
ACTOR #2: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
somebody moved my prop silver platter a few inches
to the right on the prop table, and I would appreciate
you not doing that again, because while it may seem
like a few inches to you, it really threw me, and I could
barely keep the energy up during my impromptu
monologue so please respect me and my platter.
ACTOR #3: Apparently I was never officially cast in
this show, which I find really rude and insulting, so I'm just going to leave before anybody tries enforcing
the restraining order. Not necessary. Not needed.
Break a leg, Macbeth and goodnight.
ACTOR #1: I have a few more notes.
ACTOR #2: Me too.
ACTOR #3: MACBETH! (The night never ends.)
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