Sunday, July 21, 2019

The Villain in Love

It’s official

I have swiveled
For the last time

Please take in--

My new chair

Advanced technology
A headset
And a cupholder
That keeps my drink cold

Ladies and gentlemen,
I’m in love

Oh, and also--

I got married

Her name is Villainess
And she’s, some would say,
An even better villain than I am

Those who would say that
Have also been hit by my stun gun
And eaten alive by my koala bear
John Tesh Jr

John Tesh Sr. is fine, no worries
He’s simply retired
So I’ve enlisted his son
In terrorizing do-gooders
And their ilk

I need the extra help
Now that I’m planning a wedding

Yes, I’m about to become
An honest antagonist

I hope nobody tries
To make the world a better place
Between now and next June
Because I’ll be busy
Deciding which cover band
Is going to be playing at my reception

Every lesser villain on the planet
Will be attending

Mr. Nasty
Ms. Nasty
Captain Nasty
The Nasty Bunch

I can’t invite all of the Nasty Bunch
Because I’m never quite sure
Who’s in the group
At any given time
But all the founding members
Will be there
When I tie the knot

As for whether or not
I’ll continue my villain-ing
After I’m wed
The fiance and I have already decided
That we’ll take turns
Destroying the world

Actually I’ll be taking
The first three turns
Since the prevailing wisdom is
That she’ll probably succeed
Whereas I’ll always be foiled
So it makes more sense
For me to be the stay-at-home bad guy
While she supports my passion
With her day job
Selling high-quality term papers
To high school juniors

And if you think it takes smarts
To steal the largest diamond in Croatia
Try writing an AP History paper
On James Madison
And not having it be a total snooze

That woman is just full of surprises

She can torture secret agents
She can explain Bitcoin
She can diagram a sentence
It’s like I’m marrying Leonardo da Vinci

Will it take away my edge?

Maybe

Having someone to lose
Never made anybody
More reckless
But it does give me motivation
To avenge my fallen love
Provided she dies tragically
Which she won’t
Because, frankly,
She’s pretty indestructible

I have a sneaking suspicion
She’s half-cyborg
But I’m too scared to ask
Because whenever I question her about anything
She threatens to send me
To the Joy Room

It’s a place in our lair
With pictures of puppies
And adorable babies

More than five minutes in there
And you won’t want to commit a heinous crime
For weeks

It’s a nightmare

And not the fun kind
Where you dream
That someone’s removing your fingernails
With those pliers
You can only get
In South Korea

It’s cruel of her
But sometimes tough love
Is the best kind of love

And my girl?

Oh, she’s as tough

As they come

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