I Would Leave You For

(LUCAS and EVA are in bed.)

EVA:  --And I just think some of the games are--

LUCAS:  But we don’t need to play games. 
Since when do we play games?

EVA:  Not mind games, just--game games.

LUCAS:  Why would we--we don’t have to
do that.  We’re a boring couple. Everybody
wants to be a boring couple.

EVA:  No, everybody wants to be a fun couple.

LUCAS:  Fun couples turn into the couples that
scream at each other in driveways at Memorial Day
barbecues.

EVA:  I want us to be fun--or at least look fun in front
of people we don’t like.

LUCAS:  I like everybody.

EVA:  In front of people I don’t like.

LUCAS:  So we’re going to play games and then what?
  We’ll be fun?

EVA:  We need to learn how to, like, not be jealous.

LUCAS:  I’m not jealous.

EVA:  I know you’re not.

LUCAS:  Who would I have to be jealous of?

EVA:  There’s nobody, but--

LUCAS:  Who are all these guys trying to steal you
away from me?

    (A beat.)

EVA:  I’m assuming that--

LUCAS:  Did not mean it that way.

EVA:  Because there could be--

LUCAS:  Armies. Armies of guys, I’m sure.

EVA:  I mean that--fun couples--are very, like,
open and talk a lot about how not jealous they
are, and since we’re already not jealous, we
should just find ways to let people know that.

LUCAS:  How?

EVA:  I Would Leave You For.

LUCAS:  What?

EVA:  It’s a game.  I Would Leave You For. 
Couples play it. Fun couples.

LUCAS:  Fun couples talk about leaving each other
and that’s what makes them fun?

EVA:  Yes!

LUCAS:  And then they leave each other?

EVA:  No! They just joke about leaving each other. 
It’s all in good fun. That’s why fun people do it.

LUCAS:  I gotta tell you, boredom is sounding
better and better.

EVA:  Let’s just try it, okay?  Just tell me--jokingly
tell me--somebody you would leave me for.

LUCAS:  Eva, I really don’t want to do that.

EVA:  Just somebody stupid.  Somebody you
would never really be able to leave me for
when--you know what?  I’ll just go first.
How about that?

LUCAS:  Better idea--how about we go to
sleep because it’s after ten and we’re not
twenty anymore and we’ve been together for six
years and that means we’ll probably never leave
each other because neither of us has the strength
to explain our life histories to a new romantic
partner?

EVA:  I would leave you for Chris Evans.

LUCAS:  Ew, really?

EVA:  Yes. He’s very handsome.

LUCAS:  He’s a Jesus freak.

EVA:  That’s Chris Pratt.

LUCAS:  He’s an alcoholic with bad skin.

EVA:  That’s Chris Pine.

LUCAS:  He can’t open a movie unless he’s
playing Thor.

EVA:  That’s--

LUCAS:  Ohhhhh Cap.

EVA:  Yes, Cap.  I would leave you for
Cap.

LUCAS:  I mean, come on, Eva, I would
leave me for Cap.

EVA:  See? It’s fun.  We’re just laughing. 
We’re having a good time.

LUCAS:  No, I’m serious, it makes total
sense that you would leave me for
Chris Evans.  If you ever get that
opportunity, I would highly suggest
you do it.

EVA:  Lucas, it’s not--

LUCAS:  I mean, you’d have to be crazy
not to.  He is a stunning man.

EVA:  No, that’s--

LUCAS:  It would hurt to lose you, sure, but
I’d have to get over it, because any
reasonable person would see that he
is a top-form--

EVA:  Okay! Now that you see how the
game is played, why don’t you try?

LUCAS:  Okay, uh--so, I would leave you for…

EVA:  Right, and then you just--

LUCAS:  --My ex-girlfriend Beth.

     (A beat.)

EVA:  Uh.

LUCAS:  It’s funny, because that would
never happen.

EVA:  Right, um, but--

LUCAS:  Because she would never
take me back.

EVA:  Lucas.

LUCAS:  She made that VERY clear
when we broke up.

EVA:  Lucas.

LUCAS:  I mean, I would have no chance
with her this time around.  You cheat on
a girl that many times with that many
different women and there is no way
she is going to believe you're ever
going to change, and, like, how can
you blame her?  A leopard does not
change its--

EVA:  Lucas!  That is not how you play the game.

LUCAS:  I didn’t think there was a
wrong way to play.

EVA:  Neither did I, but congratulations,
you found one.

LUCAS:  You’re the one who wanted
to play!

EVA:  Because I want us to be fun!

LUCAS:  Monopoly is fun and it doesn’t
involve talking about which celebrity
you would cuddle with if you ever
got the chance.

EVA:  You didn’t even pick a celebrity! 
You picked your ex-girlfriend!

LUCAS:  Hey, Beth won a Daytime Emmy
last year for sound editing General Hospital.

EVA:  She did?

LUCAS:  Yeah, it was all over Facebook. 
She blocked me so I can’t see that stuff,
but I follow her from this fake account
I made where I pretend to be this
seventy-year-old woman who’s really
into General Hospital.

EVA:  Wow, I am learning so much I...
would rather not be learning.

LUCAS:  Can we please just go to bed?

EVA:  No! We’re going to get this right. 
I would leave you for Ryan Reynolds.

LUCAS:  I would leave you for Demi Moore.

EVA:  What? She’s old enough to be your mother.

LUCAS:  Don’t be ageist.

EVA:  Fine. I would leave you for
Tom Holland.

LUCAS:  Ew! He’s a child.

EVA:  He’s twenty-three.

LUCAS:  He looks like a child. 
And what is with you and Marvel?

EVA:  Fine. I would leave you for--

LUCAS:  No, it’s my turn.

EVA:  We don’t have to do turns.  I can just--

LUCAS:  No, I want to--

EVA and LUCAS:  I would leave you for
Idris Elba.

     (A beat.)

EVA:  All right, we’re not going to play this
game anymore.

LUCAS:  Thank you.

EVA:  Tomorrow we figure out a way to
make Monopoly fun.

LUCAS:  I’m on-board for that.

EVA:  And you’re deleting that fake
Facebook account.

LUCAS:  What about the other six? EVA: I--I'm going to pretend I didn't
hear that.

LUCAS: Thank you.

EVA:  I love you.

LUCAS:  I love you too.

EVA:  And I love that
we’re boring.

LUCAS:  Me too.

EVA:  And, for the record, I would
leave you for all the Chris’s even
Christopher Walken and that guy
Chris that works at Whole Foods
and tries to get me to buy celery
water.

(She kisses him and turns
out the light.)

LUCAS: Okay then.

The End