Monday, January 13, 2020

A Gatsby Invitation

Gatsby would like to invite you
To a party at his house

You can bring something if you want
But, like, nothing with pecans in it
Because somebody brought pecans last time
And Jay was NOT feeling that

Like, we have no idea
How some of you missed the memo
About Jay not being into pecans
But when he bit into that brownie
He was FURIOUS

Like, almost everybody had left
By that point
Because the party had been going on
For about a month and a half
But the eight-three of us
Who were still there
Got an EARFUL about those brownies

So please just leave the pecans at home
Or just show up empty-handed

Eating really isn’t encouraged
At these parties anyway

Just drinking
And flapper dancing
And posturing
And standing on the patio
Looking out into the night
Wondering how people stand
Being romantic
Without laughing at how all romance
Is manufactured
And not something human beings
Can feel naturally
Like nausea or rabies

We feel like we need to prepare you
For how much drinking there’s going to be

There is going to be A LOT of drinking
Like, an IRRESPONSIBLE amount of drinking

At least for the 1920’s
For the 2020’s it’ll be minimal
But for the 1920’s we are--

Whoo!

We are really out of control

Like, it’s bound to result in homicide
Probably double homicide
And not just your average murder
But, like, an ERA-ENDING kind of murder

Like in the 80s
When they killed J.R.

Did he die?
I never watched “Dallas”
I’m just assuming he died
Because if he didn’t
Who cares that he got shot?

Like, what difference would it make?

Anyway, stay off the lawn
Don’t be that guy
Who’s running around
With his pants around his ankles
Peeing all over the grass

The theme of this party is decadence
Not tomfoolery
There’s a difference

And yes, the theme of every party
Is decadence
But this time we’re going for
Elaborate Decadence
So...factor that in
When you choose which half-mask to wear

Now, if you show up
And the last party is still going
Just join in and wait
Until the next one starts

And above all else
Make sure that every hour
On the hour
You ask where Jay is
So someone can mysteriously whisper to you
That he’s ‘around somewhere’

If you do stumble into a room he’s in
Be sure to listen to whatever cryptic thing
He has to say
And then wait forty-eight hours
Before becoming totally obsessed with him

Last but not least
If you fall asleep in the dining room fountain
Put on a life jacket first
So you don’t drown

We love a tragic death around here
But not when it compromises
The decor

Other than all that,
We look forward to seeing you
At the soiree

Oh, and uh--

Don’t mention politics
The economy
Or whatever war it is
We’re fighting at the moment

Nothing ruins a Gatsby party
Like whatever’s going on
Outside of a Gatsby party

And pecans

No pecans

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