The Trouble with Electric Eels

The trouble with electric eels

Is you can’t train them

The same way

You can train other aquatic minions

I used to have starfish

Which are surprisingly antagonistic

If you raise them right

But I left them on a coral reef one day

And didn’t want to bother

Trying to find them again

So I switched to eels

And that’s been--

Well look, when you have

A pair of animals

Doing your dirty work--

Espionage

Fact-finding

That kind of thing

--When you have all that going on

You do your best

That’s all you can do

Are they constantly electrocuting each other?

All the time

I tell them not to touch

But I get it

It’s hard

They’re siblings

They want to play

And don’t ask me

How something

That’s already electric

Can be electrocuted

I didn’t make the little imps

I’m not god

I’m just an octopus/squid hybrid

With some jewelry

And a ninety-dollar haircut

People see me with them now

The eels, I mean

And they think--

Wow, she’s really got it together

They have no idea

What it took

Just to train those two

Not to swim into a shark’s mouth

But if you need cronies

You can’t go with anything

Too smart

That’s a mistake

I’ve seen all different kinds

Of oceanic villains make

Matthew the Evil Monkfish

Had two dolphins

He tried to bend to his will

And they ripped him in half

And spread his blood

All over the Pacific

It was a travesty

After everything Matthew did

For those two backstabbing bottlenoses

That’s why you have to start

With two dum dum’s

And get them just smart enough

To carry out your plans

Without getting so smart

That they eat your eyeballs

And then tell all their friends about it

The glowing is also not great

If you’re trying

To keep a low profile

But that can’t be helped

They glow

It’s what they do

Do I ask them to tone it down?

Of course

But they’re so sensitive about it

That usually I just hide them

In my box of soprano’s

Whenever I can

They are very friendly though

And very appreciative

Of all that you do for them

Plus, they only live to be fifteen

Did you know that?

I’ve already gone through three pairs

And every time it just breaks my heart

Once one dies

The other usually doesn’t last
Much longer

Then you have to start all over again

With the training

And the conditioning

And the mild brainwashing

But sooner or later

They wind up loving you

Which makes it all worth it

The first time those little electric eyes

Gaze into yours

And you see real affection there

You know that everything you did

Up to that point

Was a solid investment

Of course, by then

They’re usually fourteen

And you’ve only got

One more year with them

Which is, I'll admit--

Unfortunate