Thursday, January 2, 2020

Owls in the Dark

     (Two OWLS in a barn.)

OWL 1:  You can't see.

OWL 2:  I can.

OWL 1:  It's getting worse.

OWL 2:  You're being dramatic.

OWL 1:  I told you to see the vet.

OWL 2:  I'm not blind, I just can't see as well as I used to.

OWL 1:  That's why you go to the vet.  You go to the vet when you can't do something that you used to be able to do.

OWL 2:  If you're young.  I'm not young.

OWL 1:  You're four-years-old.

OWL 2:  That doesn't make me a spring chicken.

OWL 1:  It doesn't make you old either.

OWL 2:  I don't need to see at night.

OWL 1:  That's dumb.

OWL 2:  What?

OWL 1:  That's a dumb thing to say.

OWL 2:  What do I need to see at night for?

OWL 1:  Hunting.

OWL 2:  You can hunt.

OWL 1:  You think I'm hunting for both of us?

OWL 2:  I can contribute in other ways.

OWL 1:  How?

OWL 2:  I can be the lookout.

OWL 1:  The lookout?

OWL 2:  While you hunt.

OWL 1:  I'm not robbing a bank.  I'm killing mice.

OWL 2:  Just give me a little bit of whatever you catch.  I don't need much.  Half a rabbit.  Even just the tail.  One of the eyes.

OWL 1:  Or you could just go to the vet.

OWL 2:  I'm not going to the vet.

OWL 1:  Why not?

OWL 2:  Greg went to the vet.  Remember Greg?

OWL 1:  Ohhh, this is about Greg.

OWL 2:  Greg went to the vet and now you know where he is?

OWL 1:  He's in a cage.

OWL 2:  (Over-lapping)  He's in a cage.

OWL 1:  He has to be in a cage.  He can't fly.

OWL 2:  He was flying when he left, and now all of a sudden, he can't fly.

OWL 1:  He was bumping into every barn between here and the vet's office.

OWL 2:  Because he couldn't see.  Not because he couldn't fly.

OWL 1:  Maybe when he got there, they found something wrong with his wing?

OWL 2:  What they found was some fancy bird collector who wanted to hang an owl in his front hallway.

OWL 1:  Here we go.

OWL 2:  Veterinarians are all corrupt.  I keep telling you that.

OWL 1:  You think everybody's corrupt.

OWL 2:  I know what I know.

OWL 1:  You can't just sit up here on a rafter for the rest of your life going blind.

OWL 2:  I can still see in the daylight.

OWL 1:  In the daylight?  What good is that going to do you?

OWL 2:  I could fly around during the day.

OWL 1:  You sound like a maniac.

OWL 2:  What?  I can't hunt during the day?

OWL 1:  What are you going to hunt during the day?  Sunbathers?  Little kids having birthday parties?  Hummingbirds?

OWL 2:  We eat other birds?

OWL 1:  Sometimes.  Depends how we feel.

OWL 2:  I don't think we do that.

OWL 1:  Well, what we definitely don't do is fly around during the day when everybody else hunts at night.

OWL 2:  Maybe I want to be unique.

OWL 1:  A blind owl hunting pigeons in the middle of the day?  Yeah, you'll be really unique.

OWL 2:  You eat pigeons?

OWL 1:  This is why you can't hunt.

OWL 2:  And I can't go to the vet.

OWL 1:  Worst case scenario--they do surgery on you.

OWL 2:  You think they're going to do a two million dollar surgery on a barn owl?

OWL 1:  Who told you it was two million dollars?

OWL 2:  I heard things.

OWL 1:  From who?

OWL 2:  Before Greg left--

OWL 1:  Annnnnd we're back to Greg.

OWL 2:  He told me that surgery is so expensive, nobody actually does it.  It's all just a scam.

OWL 1:  If nobody does it, why would we even know it was possible?

OWL 2:  So they get your hopes up.  That way you fly right into their office and then you're trapped forever.

OWL 1:  If this is really what you want, I can hunt for food for you.  I can bring you new from outside the barn.  I can carry you on my back to get you places other than here--

OWL 2:  I don't know if you're strong enough to--

OWL 1:  I could crack you in half if I wanted to.

OWL 2:  I--fair.

OWL 1:  But what if something happens to me?  Then what?

OWL 2:  We're owls.  We can have a good life, but--it's not a guarantee.  The happiest moment of my life so far was that night last summer when the rain was coming down and it was just you and me in here listening to it fall.  We had just gutted a vole and you had its insides all over your beak.  I don't think I've ever loved you more.

OWL 1:  Are you sure that was me?

OWL 2:  You're not funny.

OWL 1:  Owls aren't known for their sense of humor.  You should try dating a penguin.  They're hilarious.

OWL 2:  But they can't fly.

OWL 1:  Neither can chickens.  Not even spring ones.

OWL 2:  First, one thing goes.  Then another.  You can fix some of it and some of it--you can't.

OWL 1:  But that doesn't mean you give up.

OWL 2:  I'm not giving up.  I'm just not speeding up when life wants me to slow down.

     (A beat.)

OWL 1:  I could slow down a little too.

OWL 2:  No need to do that.  I've always been twice as fast as you so--

OWL 1:  I could out-fly you in a heartbeat.

OWL 2:  I--Fair.

     (A beat.)

That's fair.

     (End of Play)

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