Thursday, January 9, 2020

The Magic School Bus Explores a Hang-Over

     (MRS. FRIZZLE is addressing the bus.)

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Now class, as we drive through this human body--

LIZ:  Can we just go to the zoo instead?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  How are you not impressed by this?  We're inside a person right now.

RALPHIE:  Are we in the head?  And is it throbbing?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Why yes, Ralphie.  That's because we're inside--a hang-over.

PHOEBE:  Mrs. Frizzle, what's a hang-over?

LIZ:  It's what my Mom gets when my Dad doesn't come home until 4am and tries to tell her that he was working late so she has too much wine and then asks me if I'm having a nice childhood and I lie and say I am.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Well, it's...that, and also, it's what takes place inside a person after they've consumed too much alcohol.

RALPHIE:  Why are you showing us this?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Because one day you're all going to be twenty-one and this will prove useful unlike that journey to the bottom of the ocean that we took which will only help Phoebe.

PHOEBE:  Because I'm going to become an oceanographer?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  No, because you're going to write a series of romance novels about a teenage girl and a mer-man.

PHOEBE:  Do people read the novels?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Wayyyy too many people.

RALPHIE:  Are we being too loud?  It feels like we're being too loud.

LIZ:  Why do I smell tomato juice?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Someone told the human we're in that tomato juice helps with hang-overs.

PHOEBE:  Does it?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  No.  Nothing helps.  Not when it's this severe.

PHOEBE:  So there are levels?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Oh yes!  The older you get, the more severe they are.

RALPHIE:  How old is the person we're in?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  About thirty-eight so--it's going to be pretty bad.

PHOEBE:  What happens if you have a hang-over after forty?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  That's just called death, Phoebe.

LIZ:  What is that glaring light burning this person's eyeballs?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  It's coming from a sliver of daylight escaping through the blinds in their bedroom.

RALPHIE:  Can we do something about it?  It feels so bright.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  We could, but that would mean getting out of bed.

PHOEBE:  That shouldn't be too hard.  People get out of bed every day.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  A little fun fact for you, kids--Things that are easy for people who aren't hung-over to do can be exceedingly difficult when someone is hung-over.

LIZ:  What kinds of things?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Listening to music, talking on the phone, sneezing without peeing the bed--

RALPHIE:  This sounds terrible.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  It's not not terrible, that's for sure.

PHOEBE:  Is that rumbling the stomach?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  They must need to throw up some more.

LIZ:  But Mrs. Frizzle, it doesn't look like there's anything left in the stomach.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Oh, that doesn't matter.  The point is that this person's entire body wants to punish it for that very last drink.

RALPHIE:  What about all the previous drinks?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  They weren't the best idea either, but the last one was the kicker.

PHOEBE:  Will this person be okay?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Oh yeah.  They just need to nap all day and then feel guilty about it.

LIZ:  That's what my Mom does, but sometimes she cries too.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  There will definitely be some crying in between the excessive vomiting.

RALPHIE:  I'm never going to drink.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  You say that, Ralphie, but the threat of a hang-over isn't going to be enough to stop you from drinking.

LIZ:  Not even the thought of making your kid cook her own breakfast and drive herself to kindergarten.

PHOEBE:  It is so bright in here.  Can we do something about that teeny tiny amount of daylight?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  This person will probably tell themselves that they need to get black curtains for occasions like these, and then when they sober up, they'll tell themselves they don't need them, because they're never going to drink again, and then they will, and the cycle will repeat.

LIZ:  What is that loud buzzing sound?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  That's the person's cell phone vibrating.

RALPHIE:  God, it's so loud.  Is somebody dead?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Just all their friendships.  They did some texting while they were drunk last night where they told everybody off and added their seventh grade gym teacher on Instagram.

RALPHIE:  Why would they do that?

MRS. FRIZZLE:  It seemed like a good idea at the time.

LIZ:  It's so loud.

PHOEBE:  And really bright.

RALPHIE:  And is someone frying bell peppers nearby?

PHOEBE:  And can they stop?

LIZ:  No, like, they really need to stop.

MRS. FRIZZLE:  Tomorrow we'll be exploring food poisoning so this information might be helpful to us.

LIZ:  Can we just go to the--

MRS. FRIZZLE:  We are never going to the zoo.

     (ALL THE KIDS sigh.)

End of Play

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