How I Learned to Eat Eggs

Krorg, it was the most amazing thing

You know those winged things we found
That look like the Flying Creatures
Except without the scales
And the ability to eat one of us alive?

Well, apparently
Like the Flying Creatures
They also lay those round things

Except theirs are more of a brownish color
And they're smaller

Now, hear me out
Because this is going to sound crazy

The other day, I was picking up the Smaller Flying Creature Poop Balls off the ground

(By the way, we should really come up with a shorter name for those things)

Well, I was picking up one
And another one fell from my arms
And this was last Wednesday
When the Big Rock That Spews Hot Stuff spewed its hot stuff
So the ground near it was still really hot

Some of the Poop Ball innards
Spilled onto the hotter ground
And it turned this white and yellow color

Obviously, I was horrified

It's one thing pick to pick up Poop Balls
But to have to see the inside of Poop Balls exposed to heat
Was enough to make me gag

But THEN, to make things even worse
My pet Monkey Man, Sims
Ran over to the Poop Ball innards
Scooped some of it up with his new thumb
And put it right in his mouth

Well, you know those Monkey Men
They'll eat anything

The thing is, Krorg...

He actually seemed to like it

I admit...I was...intrigued

It was so...forbidden

I had to try it

So I cracked one of the other Poop Balls over the ground
And did what Sims did
And you know...

...It actually wasn't all that bad

Put a little Long Neck blood on it
And it's hardly gross at all!

Gives it a little kick

Isn't it fantastic learning what it is we can and can't eat?

Just last week I figured out
That we can eat those things that grow on trees
With the little brown hats

We can't however eat the things that grow off each other

Although now we have the word 'epidemic'

So that's exciting

Anyway, Krorg
Please write down 'Poop Balls'
In the ledger
Under 'Tasty Things'

I'm going to try Sims' Poop Balls this afternoon

Oh stop it, Krorg

If we can eat the ones that come out of the Smaller Flying Creatures
Why not eat the ones that come out of the Monkey Men?

I fail to see the difference

Finally, Alone

Dear Civilization,

It was nice knowing you

I have achieved my dream

Finally, alone

I was piloting a plane to Indonesia
When suddenly a storm appeared out of nowhere
And the plane took a nosedive

When I woke up
I was laid out on a sandy beach
The soft touch of the ocean
Creeping up to my toes

It was as if nature were trying to wake me

I opened my eyes
And saw palm trees
Tall grass

I heard the sound of animals somewhere in the lush jungle
Silently sleeping in front of me

Waiting, it seemed

And I thought--my first thought, I swear--was:

Finally, alone

You see, I don't like people
Not really

I learned to fly because I wanted to get away from them
Get above them
Try to see how high I could go
Before I could feel the peace
I felt when I opened my eyes
After crashing on the island

So why, you may ask
Am I writing this letter?

It's fairly simple

I don't want to be found

No, this island has no mystical hold on me
No, there are no other fun castaways for me to interact with
No, there isn't any tropical fountain of youth

So far I've found two parrots
A turtle
And some sort of jungle cat
That I'm naming Paul

These are my friends now
And I enjoy them

Please don't organize a search party
Please don't send planes out looking for mine
Please don't waste your time

I'm happy
I'm thrilled, actually
To be finally alone

The quiet here is like quiet nowhere else

There's something pure about it

And at night, the sun goes down into the water
It actually falls lightly, right into ocean
And lights it up
Right before it goes dark
And the stars
The actual stars
Come out to illustrate the sky

I don't want to return to you, Civilization
In fact, I feel sorry for you

I feel like I've won the lottery

It's become my belief
That when I die
I won't be able to tell the difference
Between this
And Heaven

Pastel Chalk

Okay, now I watched the movie again last night
So I think I've got it

You need four people
And one of them needs to be a chimney sweep

That's why I made my little sister, Rissy
Stand in the fireplace last night
With a broom

One of us is supposed to be a nanny
But I found this kid called Manny
So that should be close enough

I used pastel chalk
Which is pretty important
And it can't rain
Otherwise everything will be ruined

If it rains, I'm blaming you, Rissy
You were the one in charge of making sure
It didn't rain

As you can see

I've laid out the squares in a specific order
So that we can go from one to the next
Without having to stop too many times
In case it does start to rain

The first square is a room full of money
We have to stuff our pants full of as much money as we can
Before we go to the next square
That's why I put those four pairs of big pants in the room
I also put some pillow sacks
And four bags that say 'Stuff Money in Here' on them

The next room is a room full of candy
I made sure I had everybody's favorite
Manny is allergic to chocolate
So I put some peas in the room for him

Don't try eating the candy right away
Just shove it in the bags I put in the room
They're marked 'Candy Bags'
And do not, I repeat, do not confuse the money bags with the candy bags

We have to stay organized

The third room is the dancing penguins room
Because that was in the movie
And I think the dancing penguins may be important

We should probably dance with the penguins
But keep an eye on them
Because you really can't trust penguins
Especially ones that dance

The last square is the 'We're the Coolest People in the World' square
Once we stand in it
We'll be the coolest people in the world
That's how it works

Just don't step in the next square
Because somebody drew the word 'Buttface' in it
And I don't want all of us to end up with buttfaces

Now we all just need to hold hands
And jump

See?

It's all pretty simple

The Reason I Took the Bus

I took the bus
Because last week my car broke down
And I had to take the bus for the day
And while I was riding it
This girl got on
That I now call Bus Girl
And she is the girl I'm meant to have sex with

I don't think we're going to get married
But we're definitely going to have sex
And maybe more than once
Depending on how cool she is with that

I couldn't really talk to her
While we were on the bus together
Because I was stuck between two guys
One of whom was eating what looked like Styrofoam filling
Out of a large cardboard box
While the other guy kept sneezing on my jacket
And mumbling something about tuberculosis

Bus Girl got off before I could talk to her
And so I had to ride the bus again
Until I found her

My car's fixed, but who needs a car
When there's an amazingly awesome Bus Girl
That you're destined to engage in fornication with?

I even wore my Jack Russell terrier shirt
To entice her with
Since that's the one
That shows off my nipple ring

Girls love that sort of thing
It's primal

Today on the bus
I sat next to a woman
Who told me that her son was born with no head
And now he's an aerobics instructor

I told her that's a job fit for a homosexual
And she agreed

It must be troublesome having a headless homosexual for a son

Especially one that's always doing jumping jacks

At one stop, I was convinced that Bus Girl got on
But it was just a guy with a puppet
That had long blonde hair

Normally I would've of gotten off at the next stop
Because that's a block from where I work
But I quit my job
When I realized
That going to work
Would prohibit me
From spontaneously running into Bus Girl again

You can always find another job
But amazing sex with a girl
That resembles an incredibly attractive puppet
Only comes along once in a lifetime

So I'll suffer the freaks on the bus
Until I see her again

Then again, she might have been a hallucination
Since it was a Thursday when I saw her
And that's when my hallucinations hit
Like how I hallucinated my car
Along with a hallucinated broken fuel pump

But on the off-chance she was real
I'm just going to sit on the bus with these weirdos
Or the bench
It might be a bench
In the park

You never can tell

What I Would Do for a Klondike Bar

Hey Mitch, you see that guy over there?

I would kill him
For a Klondike Bar

Yup, I would

I would do that

But I would not scale a mountain

No fucking way

You die on mountains

That's what happens on mountains
You die, and mountain goats eat your fucking nose

Everybody knows that

But I do want a fucking Klondike Bar
Like real bad

Like I gotta have it, man

I'd sell my fucking sister for a Klondike Bar right now

Nah, I wouldn't sell her to anyone mean
Maybe just a blind guy
Who needs somebody to read to him
Something like that, you know?

Nothing crazy

Jesus, dude
Are you hot?

I'm fucking hot

I need a fucking Klondike Bar bad man
I need something to cool me down

If I go kill that guy
Will you get me a Klondike Bar?

Don't fuck with me, man
I'm asking you a real question here

What if I told you the meaning of life?
Would you do it then?

How the fuck do you know whether or not I know the meaning of life?
You don't know

I could fucking know it

You didn't even know about the fucking mountain goats
I could have just saved your life, man

Hey, do you want to buy my sister?

She'll read to you
Turn the pages and everything

Dude, I'm fucking dying here

You gotta help me out, okay?

I just need one bar
Not even a whole bar
Just a half a bar

Come on, man
Just get me one bar

I'll fuck that guy up, dude

You were looking at him like you don't like him
I can take care of him for you

What?

What do you mean he's a fucking barber pole?

Jesus, I was wondering why that asshole was dressed like Where's Waldo

Well...I'll fuck him up anyway!

Just for a Klondike Bar, man

I'll give you everything I own
That I haven't already sold
To pay for my Klondikes

Forget my sister, bro
I'll read to you
I'll read you whatever you want

Just please, man
Please!

You don't even know, dude

You don't even know
What I would do
For a Klondike Bar

The Baby Stuff

Kate, we're getting rid of one of the pacifiers

Now, we don't have to get rid of all the pacifiers
But we don't need to keep them all either

Kate, we're not going to forget that Sam used to have a pacifier

All babies have pacifiers
And all of them look the same

No, Kate, not the babies
The babies look somewhat different
I meant the pacifiers

I could go buy you a blue pacifier right now
And I guarantee that you wouldn't know the difference

What do you mean 'a mother knows?'

And a father doesn't?

Well, you're right
I don't

I don't see the difference at all

And why are we keeping the crib?

There is no room in this basement for a crib
There's barely any room for the furnace
And you promised me that once Sam went to college
We could turn this into an office for the two of us

Well honey, I'm not going to be able to get any work done
If Sam's bronzed baby teeth
Are staring at me
From the shelf over there

It's like a little mouth is reaching out to eat me
It's creepy!

Now you said we could get rid of some of the baby stuff
And so far, everything's still here

What about the mobile?

Okay, how about the stuffed animals?

The picture of him throwing up on your mother
Can we--Actually, I'd like to keep that

But some of this stuff has to go
Now honey, you're just being sentimental
And you have got to stop

Can you please?
Can you please agree to throw some of this out?

Thank you

. . . . .

What?

The baseball glove?

Nooo, we can't throw that out

Kate, we said the baby stuff
That's not baby stuff

Well, that's his Little League glove
You can't throw that out

He wore that glove for three seasons
I coached him using that glove
That glove caught over sixty-seven--

You know what?

We don't really need that office anyway

They Heard Your Name and Started Yelling

Well, Chris
I couldn't tell you what it was

I wish I could

All I know is
They heard your name and started yelling

Told 'em you were back in town again
And all of a sudden
They're going on about some girl
And she being their daughter
And you being the asshole that got her knocked up
And something something going to kick your kidney out from the inside

I really couldn't say
It was all a jumble

When people are experiencing that kind of blind rage
It makes it difficult to sort out what they're--

Gosh, I can't remember
When they said they were coming back

Something about a gun
And ammo
And a posse

Or maybe they said a potty
But I don't know why they'd be getting that
Unless they're going to need bathroom breaks
While they're beating the tar out of you

Well, I guess you could run out of town
But I'm not sure which road you'd use

Because knowing them
They're going to be staking out most of 'em

Oh, but there's one they said they didn't think you'd go down
I just can't remember which one it is

Maybe Elk Drive?  Bear Road?  Caribou Avenue?

So hard to say

Hard to make heads or tails
Out of a lot of yelling
When you're thinking about how damn broke you are

Huh?

Twenty dollars?

Oh Chris
I couldn't accept that from you

Why, just taking a mere twenty dollars from your pocket
Would only be a reminder to me
Of how much I still don't have

And I couldn't--

Huh?

Ohhh, well that I guess I could accept
Since it is a much larger number

I believe it was Elk Drive they're not going down
So you should be safe that way

Best of luck to you, Chris

Bye!

. . . . .

Yep, they sure was mad

Mad enough to pay me double
What that cheap bastard just paid
To make sure I sent him
Down the right road

No, I Will Not Play Boggle With You

No, I will not play Boggle with you

Because whenever I play Boggle
Boggle tells me to do things
That I would rather not do

Especially when I play with you

The last time we played Boggle
I found the words 'kiss,' 'suck,' and 'nail'

Clearly, Parker Brothers is trying to tell me something

Overall, I'm just generally sick
Of all these signs that keep popping up
Insinuating that we should be together

Because overall, I really don't want to be with you

And you come over, and you say--Let's play board games
Which is innocent enough
Except every time we do
I keep getting these signs

We play Scrabble and my letters spell out 'He is cute'
We play Pictionary and I have to draw the word 'commitment'
We play Monopoly and I keep landing in a hotel that belongs to you

All signs just keep pointing to...

And Boggle is the worst

As soon as those letters settle
I know what they're going to tell me
And I don't need sixteen little letters
To explain my life to me

My fate is not in control of me
I am in control of my fate

And if you want to hang out with me
We have to find something to do
That won't result in me feeling like
The Universe is trying to shove us together
Or heighten the amount of sexual tension
We feel towards each other

. . . . .

Twister?

Yeah, that should work

Robbed, or How to Lose Gracefully

Hello, hello, hello
All of you, hello

Yes, I realize
I have not won this award

But I'm sure the producers will suffer me a few short moments
To comment on this epic victory
By my friend and colleague, Will Stratten

Will, you are truly worthy
Of this wondrous honor

If it had to be determined that my performance in 'Shadows of Desire'
Was less than the performance of another
I'm glad you could be that 'another'

And I have to say, what you did in that brilliant film 'Pasadena Sunrise'
Was truly a lesson in acting

All those pauses

Those long, long, long pauses

Full of...thoughts, I'd imagine

I mean, I can only guess
That you were...thinking

During those long, long, long pauses

Oh, and that scene with your father
Out on the boat

It was so tender
And yet, strong

One would never know that you're a homosexual, Will
Not from watching that scene

All I could think of while watching you tell your father that you got Millie pregnant
Was--Wow, and to think just two months ago I saw him snorting coke off a cardboard cut-out of Liza
In the backroom of Surrender's

Oh, and that sex scene was--my goodness

Was there a doubled used in that scene?

Because I've seen your ass a few times, Will
And I have to say
I remember it...drooping...a tad more

Ah, but sex scenes aren't why you win awards
You win awards for playing a man trying to grapple with his past
Trying to come to terms with the fact
That he was molested in a labor camp in Uzbekistan
And sold into white slavery only to rise again
As an international pop star

Now who did a movie like that this year...Hmm...

Oh right, me!

I completely forgot

But I suppose all of that doesn't compare
To a movie about a guy who goes fishing with his father
And has sex with his girlfriend

...And goes fishing with his father

...And has sex with his girlfriend

...For three hours

I bet you wish there was a little more fishing
And a little less sex with the girlfriend, huh, Will?

I'm sure the long, long, long pauses didn't help the movie's run time either

But that's neither here nor there

All that matters is that you won

You won and I'm happy for you

Some in my position would throw around the word 'robbed'
But not me

Noooooo not me

I believe in losing gracefully

So here I am
Graceful

And grateful

That I can still call myself an actor

Whereas some people...may not...be able to...

Thank you all
And goodnight

Sprinkles

Now repeat after me
You dumb motherfucker

Sprinkles

They're called Sprinkles

I don't give a shit where you're from
You know what they're called
Just as well as I do

You're just calling them Jimmies to be a fucking cocksucker
And you ain't in Rhode Island
So there aren't any gayass cocks for you to suck out here

You got me?

Sprinkles

Say it

Say sprinkles

Sprinkles
Water fountains
Remote control

They're called the same thing everywhere

The sky isn't the sky some places
And blue tarp other places

It's the fucking sky

Sorry if your bassackwards state
Wants to have little fucking colonialisms
For every fucking thing

But when you're in the real world
You call things by their right name

And this shit is called sprinkles

You know how they probably got started calling it Jimmies?

Some kid who got ice cream
With sprinkles on it
Probably got mugged and killed
By some guy named Jimmy
And the guy was probably from Rhode Island
And now all of you assholes call sprinkles Jimmies
Because you like turning shit you should be embarrassed about
Into shit you're proud of

Like refusing to drive more than ten minutes at a time
And electing the same assfucking dipshits into office year after year

Why don't you just change the name of your state to

'Rhode Island--Proud to Be Fucking Stupid'

Huh?

No response?

Okay, well let me ask you again then

What do you want on your fucking ice cream?

And this time I want to hear you say it right?

So what do you want, huh?

. . . . .

Sugar mud?

What the fuck is sugar mud?

...Hot fudge?

You son-of-an-ass tickler

What do you think you're Webster the Dictionary
Just making up shit like that?

I'm going to give you some sugar mud

Then you're going to eat it
Right in front of me

Then let's see how fucking cute you think you are

Benny, hold my scooper

I'm going to give this llama fucker
A free trip back home to Rhody

Are We Really Doing This?

Are we really doing this?

Because...

Okay, because...

I'm...

I know

Yeah, I know

I just...

Okay

Just as long as we're...

Yeah

Okay

Yeah

Because...this won't just be...

You know

Because I'd like to say that it would be
I mean, I would say that it would be
I could, say that, I mean
But I'd be lying
Because it's not going to be
Because even right now
Even at this early state
I'm very much, you know
And I'm just, you know
And I can't, you know

Okay?

I can't say that it's not going to be
Because I'd like it to be
And even if it means we have to stop
I'd rather stop then lie and tell you it's not
Because it is
And I don't really see what's wrong with that
Like, I don't see why that's a thing

Why does that have to be a thing?

Because I...

Yeah

No, no, I know, but--

Yeah

I know

And I'm--I know

I'm sorry

But

We should still do this, you know?

Because, I mean
It seems
Like it seems like
We should
Like it makes sense
You know?

And the way I, yeah
I just, yeah, it feels like it's supposed to happen
And why are we always stopping what's supposed to happen
Just because maybe it's a bad idea
Or maybe we don't feel the way we think we feel
Or it'll be complicated
Or there'll be drama

You know?  Like, damn, okay?

Sorry, but--

I'm...

We could be...gone

Like, tomorrow

We could just be--

I know, it's stupid, but--

Like, we don't know

You know?

And we're talking about potential?

We're talking about what potentially could happen
As the result of us just doing what we want to do?

I mean, we're not talking about getting a tattoo here
Or having a child
Or riding a motorcycle
Without a motorcycle license
Or anything
We're not talking about anything
Except just doing what feels right, you know?

But the thing is, like, I'm thrilled
But if we're going to start
Then we have to do it
We can't just start
And then have you be all 'okay, wait'
Because, I can't, because I, you know?

So...are we really doing this?

Like, seriously
Are we?

Because I...

I mean, you know

You know

You do

You know

They Come in Purple, Too?

They come in purple, too?

Wooooowww

Did you hear that, honey?

They come in purple too

I just wouldn't believe it

I just would not believe
That coffee mugs with Winston Churchill's face on them
Could be purchased
In both green AND purple

I mean, what's next?

Is it going to start raining candy bars?

Hahaha...

Seriously, though, wow

What a great gift

Mrs. Lewis, you have done it again

I don't know how
But every year
You manage to get your daughter and me
A gift that I would just never think
To get for our home

I mean, how did you know
That we would love a commemorative mug
With one of the great world leaders' faces on it?

I'm just sad you didn't get one with FDR on the--

Ohhhh wait a minute

Is that what this other box is?

Oh, come on now!

My heart can't take all this joy!

It's like finding out I've won the lottery!

And you know, I'm always saying to Jenny

I'm saying--Jenny, you know
We just don't have enough coffee mugs

Your mother buys them for us EVERY YEAR
But it just seems like we NEVER have ENOUGH

I mean, Mrs. Lewis--oh right, sorry, MOM
You would not believe it
But every time I go to find a mug
It just always seems like they're in the dishwasher
Or in another cupboard
In the back
The far back
The almost-in-the-house-next-door back

Hahaha!

I bet if you tried to find one of your mugs right now
You couldn't do it

I'm telling you, you couldn't

So thank GOD you brought over two more

I'm just sad we don't have a purple one

Because I know when I'm drinking my coffee
The color I want to see is purple!

Hahaha

Wait a minute...

What's that Mr. Lewis is holding behind his back?

Is that another box?

OH MY GOD!

That is NUTS!

You were letting me go on about wanting a purple mug THIS WHOLE TIME
And you had it RIGHT THERE!

HAHAHA!

The only thing better would be if Margaret Thatcher's face was on the--

. . . . .

Wow, Mrs. Lewis

Wow

Sometimes

You scare me

Dancing with Fire

Every ten years
On a light lake
In a land-locked country

Water dances with Fire

She hikes up her dress
And gingerly steps
Onto the surface of the water

Fire waits for her
In the middle of the lake
Where he takes her hand
And plunges her into his flame

She feels herself heated
Warmed by his touch
And they dance down into the depths
Of the lake that has no end

They call the lake Pueblo Norova
And this is where lovers have drowned
And God has explained death to man

This is the lake where Water first learned to spread herself out
And cool the parched mouth
Of a dry piece of land

And here is where she met Fire

His bare body exposed to her
Light coming out of him
Like it was being born for the first time

And at their introduction
She could only slide her fingertips
Down the front side of him

Because any more than that
And she would have evaporated completely

But as she grew older
And learned what it was to be elemental
And necessary
And life-giving

She no longer felt fear towards Fire
Knowing she could put him out
If she so desired

But so as to respect their separate natures
She kept her distance
And only every ten years or so
Would allow herself
The pleasure
Of meeting him at the lake
Where they could glide up into the Air
And down into the Earth
And laugh at how angry they were making
Their two colleagues

Water lets Fire take off her dress
Simply by melting it away from her body
And she cools him
In a way he can never be cool otherwise
And for a brief moment
They allow themselves to be one thing
And then each other

But when the ten parts of the ten parts
Of the tenth part of a second are over

They separate

And both walk away
Across the water

And begin to wait
For another ten years
To pass

For A Vampire, I'm A Morning Kind of Person

You know what?

For a vampire,
I'm a morning kind of person

I had this roommate

Jars

Yeah, his name was Jars

European, or something

Anyway, he used to walk around
In this ridiculous jeans

So tight

Gave him major donkeytoe

Like cameltoe, but with a guy, you know?

Anyway, he was a night owl
Which initially was why we hooked up
I mean, met up
I'm not into that Lestat shit

Anyway

The first night we lived together
I'm sort of reading Bleak House in my room
Sort of, because, I mean
You don't really read Bleak House per se
You just sort of immerse yourself in it

And I was immersed in it
And then I hear this music coming from the living room

So I go out there
And it's Jars
Practicing his harmonica

And apparently he can only practice it late at night
Which is why he agreed to room with a vampire
That, and, he's allergic to garlic
So he feels safe with me, or something

I explained to him that even though I am nocturnal
That doesn't mean I enjoy hearing the harmonica
Played loudly in the middle of the night

So he apologized, and we were cool for a little bit

But then I realized it wasn't just the harmonica playing

Just having him there was like--

It was like having a Bible placed on your chest
While a priest prays over you
Trying to get the devil out

I walk to the kitchen
To get a raw pork kidney
And there he is
Sitting in front of the tv
Watching it
Enjoying what he's watching
Nodding along with things he agrees with

It just...bothers me

And I realized--

I'm grumpy

I'm a grumpy vampire

It sucks

I guess I've always been this way
I just never had anybody else around
To really bring attention to it

I feel bad, I mean--I presented a totally false image of myself to Jars

Plus, you know, I'm a vampire
What good does it do me to only be happy
When I start seeing the morning sun come through my blinds
As I'm pulling the lid down on my coffin?

It's totally me self-sabotaging my own happiness

I have pictures of sunrises
All over my room

Sunrises, crosses, pictures of holy water

Sometimes I buy garlic bread at the store just to look at it
But then Jars got freaked out
So I had to trash all of it

There's some serious shit going on with me

I'd see a therapist
But I'd only be able to schedule sessions
During Daylight Savings Time
And summer is when my seasonal depression
Really starts to kick in

I guess there's really nothing I can do about it

That's why I asked Jars to move out

I mean, it was either that or suck him
But then I'd never get rid of him
So I just told him
That I'm seeing someone
And they want to move in

He was pretty cool about the whole thing
But right before he left
He spilled an entire box of rice
Right on the kitchen floor

I was only about halfway done with counting all the grains
Before I realized I'd made the right choice

Eight Kinds of Beautiful

Now I know guys
Have told you that you're beautiful

But did you know that they're all wrong?

Because you're actually
Eight kinds of beautiful

Here, I'll explain, if you'll let me

At least let me get
To number five

See, you're rooftop New Year's Eve
With a breeze and a bright red pointy hat beautiful

Looking up at the sky
While the sunset rides by
Into a brand new beautiful

Sipping spiked punch and wondering
How you wound up at a party
Where they still spike the punch beautiful

Midnight kiss, 1am kiss, 2am kiss, 2:03 kiss beautiful

Dancing as you make a resolution
To dance more beautiful

You're clean slate beautiful

You're a candlelit dinner at a small table
In an otherwise poorly lit Italian restaurant beautiful

You're a shared bottle of wine, good bread,
And shared risotto beautiful

You're a red velvet cupcake beautiful
To finish it off

You're two people under one umbrella beautiful

In a rain that feels like a reward
Because it's an excuse to go back home
And slip under bedcovers with you
While a black and white movie plays on the tv beautiful

You're a snowball fight like you're not quite eight yet beautiful

You're chicken soup when you're sick
Made by somebody who wears a goofy apron beautiful

You're beautiful when you're sick
And when you smile
And when you cry
And when you try to lie
And when you surprise
And you surprise all the time

You're beautiful on a beach with a cooler full of juice packs
And wrapped up snacks
And sandwiches that taste like steak
On a summer day beautiful

You're apple picking, pumpkin choosing, hayride riding
Cider sipping, obnoxious joint costume wearing
Eyes across a party asking 'When can I go home with you?'
Head against the window, falling asleep
So you have to be carried into the house
While you wake up and laugh
At being carried over a threshold beautiful

You're Thanksgiving morning
Burnt toast and runny eggs beautiful

You're Christmas morning beautiful

Are you still with me?

Because I think I'm past number five
And I forgot to stop

You're forget the numbers beautiful

You're greater than eight beautiful

And I suppose that's why
I failed to give you a simple eight

But wait, before you run
To another man
Who will be done
With just a simple 'beautiful'

Let me try to finish my list
And laugh while I fail

While I fail completely

What My Brother Doesn't Know

What my brother doesn't know
Is that he's about to die

Death isn't something we're familiar with here

We only know about life
Birth, beginning

We don't understand the basic concept of 'the end'

He's sleeping
And when he sleeps
The clouds form and part
Depending on his breath

That's how we know God is pleased with him
By him, by his very existence

God is not pleased by me

He won't say it, but I know

I know he's not

I gave up crops from my field
Crops that I planted, and nursed, and harvested
And then offered up to him

My brother killed three young lambs
And held them up to God
With the blood still dripping down his arms

And God looked at my brother and approved
And He looked at me
And turned away

If He wants blood, I can give him blood

That must be it
That must be what I'm missing

He approves of my brother because he sacrifices
The beauty of life
For his God

What greater sacrifice could I make
Than that of my brother

My most beloved

I know a secret
That even God doesn't know

The clouds don't move because of my brother
They move because when he sleeps
I speak to them and ask them to watch over him

Protect him from whatever might come
Down from above

The snake came to me last night

It hasn't been seen since it spoke to my mother

We thought we'd left it behind in the garden
But it must have followed us

Because it appeared to me
Wrapped around my crops

Telling me to take my own life
That doing so would be a sacrifice that would truly please God

But I knew this was false

Because God doesn't love me

Taking my own life would mean nothing to Him
And it would merely place me in the hands of snake
For all eternity

So instead I shall send my brother to God
And perhaps one day I will be allowed to join him

Maybe one day we will part the clouds together

The Hopes and Dreams of Molly Ringwald

My Top Ten Hopes and Dreams

By Molly K. Ringwald

10.  Growing up, I'd hoped to be an ice skater.  I used to go down to this pond where I lived and pretend I was ice skating.  I grew up near Sacramento so the pond was never really frozen, but I used to wade in it up to my ankles and then just sort of lunge around the shallow area imagining Diana Ross and the Supremes playing while I did axles or whatever they're called.  Sometimes I watch ice skating on tv and my ankles suddenly feel cold.

9.  I always wanted to live in Fresno because it sounded like it had an unfinished name.  Like, it should be Saint Fresno or San Fresno or San Franfresno, but not just Fresno.  It sounds shortened, abbreviated, somehow not-quite-whole.  I identify with that.

8.  I turned down both Ghost and Pretty Woman.  I'm not sad I turned either of those down, because Ghost was really scary at certain points, and Richard Gere is really scary all the time.  I did really want to be in The Mighty Ducks though, but they never offered it to me.  I don't know who I could have been.  Didn't Emilio Estevez have a girlfriend in the movie?  I guess that wouldn't have been a really big part, but I wouldn't have cared.  Maybe it's the ice skater in me.

7.  Of all my co-stars, I'd say I had the biggest crush on Dennis Hopper.  I'm sad that we'll never know whether or not we could have made something out of that.

6.  People keep telling me I was Teaching Mrs. Tingle, but for the life of me, I can't remember anything about that movie.  Hopefully I didn't play Mrs. Tingle, because that's a really dumb name for a character.  I once had a dog named Tingle, and he ended up eating a piece of electrical tape and losing his leg, so I really don't think I would take any role that involved me being named 'Tingle.'

5.  I'd to be on Time Magazine again, except this time, I would wear different earrings.

4.  Sometimes I have a dream that I get a phone call from the producer of Annie--the one that cast me as Kate--and he says 'I should have cast you as Annie, Molly.  I'm so sorry.  I have to kill myself now.'  And I go to say 'No, don't.  It's really not a big deal.'  But then he does it anyway.  Then I go ice skating.

3.  I hope that if they do a Facts of Life reunion movie, I'll be included.  And I hope they use Cloris Leachman since I never got to meet her.  And I hope they don't use Nancy McKeon, because I never really saw what the big deal was about her.  And I hope in the movie, me and Tutti are best friends.  And I hope we find out that my character got married to Dennis Hopper after she left the show.  That's what I hope.

2.  Last night I had a dream that I was in The Breakfast Club, except I was playing Ally Sheedy's part, and she was playing Judd Nelson's part, and he was playing Anthony Michael Hall's part, and he was playing my part.  Emilio Estevez was playing himself.

1.  I think Emilio Estevez might be my long-lost brother, and I think that's why I keep having dreams about him, and I think that's why I even though I wanted to be in The Mighty Ducks and I probably could have been if I had called the producers, I didn't, because I was afraid they would make me be Emilio's girlfriend and if he's my long-lost brother, that would be weird.

Sometimes your dreams criss-cross over each other like the latticework on a cherry pie.

Life's funny that way.

Don't you think?

If I Were There, I Would

Marjorie, what do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do, Marjorie?

Well, I can't do that from Chicago

And even if I were there
It's not like I could just put my arm up in there
And get the job done

You want somebody who knows what kind of stuff
Goes on down there

I realize you think it's a husband's job
But there's only so much I can do

At a certain point
You need to bring in a third party

I'd love to learn how to do it, Marjorie

Tell you what

I'll have someone come over
And take care of that
And while he's doing it
I'll film it
So I can do exactly what he does
The next time around

In the meantime, you need to call somebody
Because if you wait any longer
It's only going to get worse

Who knows what will start coming out of there
If you don't

Marjorier, if I were there, I would

I'd happily do it
I'd do it with a smile on my face
Right until my hand got chopped off
Or something like that

Because Marjorie, there could be sharp objects down there!

You don't know!

You just don't know!

I understand that you're looking at it right now
But that doesn't mean you can see everything

You have no idea what could be lurking down there

That's my flight

Look, sweetheart
If it's bothering you so much
Why don't you just try doing it yourself?

Just put your hand down there
And fiddle around
Until you feel a release

And then--

Oh God, Marjorie

Hahaha, sweetheart

You have to see the looks
On the faces of the people
I'm sitting near

They've been listening to this entire conversation
And they're looking at me like--

Hahaha

Oh God, that is hysterical

It's like some sort of bad French farce

Hahaha

Can you imagine?

From the sound of it
They must think we're talking about plumbing!

God, I'm so embarrassed

As if we'd spend that long talking about a clogged sink!

Hahaha

Okay, sweetheart
Time to get to work

This Perfect World

A few doors down is the circus

That's right

I have my own private circus

That performs three shows a night

If you like that sort of thing

Watch your step

The zebras like to nap on the floor

And I let them, because they're zebras

And zebras like sleeping on Italian marble

On your right is the watch room

It's either the room where I keep all my watches
Or the room where everybody watches each other

I can't remember which it is

I really need to invest in some signs

Oh dear, the ceiling is falling again

Could you, by any chance, lift up your arms

The ceiling isn't very heavy

Sometimes all you have to do is hold your arms up
And it'll stay up just fine

This is what happens
When you have a mansion made out of bed sheets

I keep telling my mother
She needs to get me some poles
But she just pats me on the head
And tells me to go play outside

The woman is slipping

Oh, it's awful
But that's all a part of growing older, I'm afraid

I'm going to be five next week
Childhood is running away from me
Like the cat
When it knows I'm holding a squirt gun

I plan on putting Mother in the East Wing
Once the doctor tells me it's safe to move her

The East Wing has the billiard room
And my father is named Bill
So I'm assuming they'll stay there together
But who knows?

Just another thing to worry about

Yesterday the boiler went
And tomorrow is my boiling day
So I don't know what I'm going to do

Oh, don't mind me
I just like hearing myself talk sometimes

I just love this perfect world

Downstairs I can hear the television
And the vacuum cleaner
And the sound of footsteps
Going up and down the stairs
Traveling all throughout the house

And I don't have to worry about any of that

I just remain here with my zebras
And my watches
And my circus

And it's lovely

It really is

I'm supposed to be asleep
That's what they think I do here--sleep

Ha!  As if anybody has time to sleep
With all this majesty to worry about

Oh dear

There goes the ceiling again

Hands up, please

Hands up

The Running of the Bulls

Here in Greg's Hollow
We've been looking for new ways
To increase tourism

Since we believe imitation
Is the sincerest form of flattery
We figured we'd flatter somebody
And steal another city's idea

There were a few suggestions
That landed by the wayside

Most of them were 'Build an Eiffel Tower'

I won't lie
There was a day or two there
Where I thought we might be able to pull it off
If the Eiffel Tower was made out of Oreos
Because the Oreo factory is only two towns over
But I didn't know how we'd get those pointy parts of it done

Once we gave up on that
We started thinking about something a little more active
Since we tend to have a childhood husky epidemic going through town
At this current time

That's when Julie-oh the Spanish boy
Told us about this custom they have where he comes from
Called the Running of the Bulls

You let some bulls loose in town
And then a bunch of idiots try running away from them
And if you're not too husky
You don't get gored to death

Sounded like good clean fun to me

The problem was that Julie-oh wasn't too clear on the logistics of the bull running
And we were real eager to get started on having a new annual tradition
Since we were having new banners made up
And we wanted to be able to put what we're the home of on the banners

The old ones all said--'Greg's Hollow--You Can Almost Smell the Oreos'

So perhaps we weren't thinking too clearly
When we set up the event

For one thing, we definitely should have given the kids
More time to lose that holiday weight
Before we made them run from the bulls

We thought we'd even the odds
By giving the bulls Sleepytime Nyquil the night before
But that only seemed to increase their speed

I, for one, was shocked
By how fast those bulls came out of the back
Of Wayne Taylor's pick-up truck

I mean, they're not cheetahs, for godsakes
Who knew they were that swift?

I figured if those kids in Kenya
Could outrun a lion
Then our hometown boys had a good chance
Of at least keeping a few feet
Between them and the bulls

Oh, I'll tell you

It was a sad day here in Greg's Hollow

Our boys were getting thrown around town
Like confetti after the war

Then, when it was all over
We couldn't find any of the bulls

Julie-oh, we said
How do you get the bulls back in Espanata
Once they're done running?

He said he didn't know

Let me tell you something
They can say whatever they want about the American educational system
But at least we know enough to wonder about how to get the bulls back
Once we've released them into town

We're still getting phone calls from campers
Spotting our bulls in the woods

They've all gone feral now
And they're mating with wild cows
So I doubt we'll ever get them back

Needless to say, that is one tradition
We will not be bringing back again next year

We have, however, talked about making a Leaning Tower of Pisa
Out of beef jerky
But we can't figure out
How the Eye-talians get that damn thing to lean

The message here is this:

Europeans can't be trusted

And God bless America

The China Cat

If you turn it around
You can see the mark on the bottom
The blue pencil marking
That indicates the price
The price in yen, of course
Not dollars

That price, ironically, is wrong
Yet because it's wrong
It elevates the actual price
Of the item

That's right

The wrong price makes the right price higher
Interesting, isn't it?


The China cat was not made in China
But the artist wanted his fiance
To believe it was

So he painted a number on the bottom
And it is a real number
Although whether or not he knew anything about Chinese currency
Or he was just a really good guesser
Is something nobody knows

What I do know
Is that there are currently three hundred fake China cats
Circulating throughout the world today

And this...

Is the real thing

And, as someone who has sold about eighty percent
Of those other China cats

I'm a little concerned

So, Mr. Hayden

I think we need to have a chat

Now, luckily for you
You don't seem to be fully aware
Of just how much money you could get
For an actual China cat

It border on priceless
Which is ironic
Because whenever you refer to a piece of art as priceless
What you're really saying
Is that you could price it very, very high

However

Were you to expose this to the general public
All of the pieces I've sold
Would be exposed as forgeries

And I can't have that, Mr. Hayden

So here's what we're going to do

I'm going to write you a check
For a lot of money

Now, it's not the exact amount you could get for the actual China cat
Because, to be frank, even I don't have that kind of money

And believe me, Mr. Hayden
I have a lot of money

But be assured, you will get a tidy sum
Much more than you would have gotten for it
If some asshole walked by your yard sale
And thought, Hmm, I like cats
Maybe I'll buy this little scuplture
And let it sit on my mantle until I die
Never knowing it's a piece of art history

What were you asking for it?  Three dollars?  Four?

I suppose I could have just bought it and walked away, Mr. Hayden
But then your lovely wife started talking about how she might want to keep it

By the way, how are you doing, Mrs. Hayden?

I hope the rope isn't tied too tight

I'll admit, I haven't done anything like this...in a few years

Anyway, I'm going to write that check
And then I'm going to take the China cat with me

And you'll be a lot richer than you were
And not dead--keep that in mind

I'd look at it as a win-win

Again, not as big of a win as it could be for you
But a win nonetheless

Once I'm done writing the check
I'll rough up this living room a little bit
And then I'll drive a safe distance from this adorable little house

Once I feel I've gone far enough
I'll stop at a pay phone
Make an anonymous call to the police
And have them come untie you

You'll tell them you were burglarized
But you will not tell them about the China cat
Or about me, or what I looked like

Tell them the burglars were wearing a mask

Because if you attempt to identify me
Or try to get the China cat back

I will have you killed

And when you see how much money I'm about to leave you
You'll understand that I have the power and the means to do so

So, if we're all clear, I'll get to writing that check

Oh, don't look so upset, Mr. Hayden

You're about to become a very wealthy man

Try to keep that in mine
Or else I'll just have to cut your eyes out

For insurance

An Exciting Game of Solitaire

Well...

This looks to be a bit tricky

My opponent
And by opponent, I mean
My brain

Is certainly giving me the run-around here

Mmm...

Deception at every turn
When deceiving thy own self's...self

In the age old battle of identity known as...

Solitaire

It reminds me of the time
When I went back in time
And battled my own self
Because it had become corrupted by my evil self
Which was cloned from me
And then sent to a time when I was most corruptible

(Otherwise known as...third grade)

Of course, this all happened
Within the confines
Of my in-progress science fiction novel

'Forschlash:  The First Journey"

Mmm...

The Queen is letting her eyes linger on me

She wants a King laid down on top of her
Pushing her into the Jack
Creating a tawdry menage
That only the swiftness of the Ace
Can bring to a close

Solitaire--a game full of sexual intrigue

So few are aware of it

Which makes its power all the more potent

The sex is enough to distract my ego
But my superego is still as super as ever

It shall not be deterred

Ahhh...

There it is

That break in the pack
That hidden gem amongst the rocks
That wink from across a crowded room
That happens in your dreams
And then you wake up
And it didn't happen
And you're so annoyed by it
That you have to eat yourself back to sleep

Thar she blows, as my piratical friends would say...if I had any...

Another game brought to a fitting close

Until next time, Brain

Until next time

Entropy

You left me in a cold room

What did you expect me to do?

Do you not understand how I work?

Am I entropy to you?

Because the trick is--

Nooo, the trick is--

The.trick.is.--

Heat

I need heat

Otherwise I'm mingling with cold water

Feeling great

Feeling right at home

But not changing

Not changing at all

Is this confusing to you?

Is this not making sense?

Because you're acting like you don't understand entropy

And that's what it is

It's entropy

Is that the problem?

Am I--

Am I entropy to you?

Look, just turn up the heat, okay?

And I'll change

I'll be brand new by time you walk back in the room

But don't leave me in the same condition I'm in

Don't keep me in a place where the temperature is the same as the water running through my body

And then wonder why I blend in so well

Don't tell me this isn't making sense to you

There's a lack of something here

A lack of energy

And it's causing me to be the same person I am

Except now I match the walls

And the ceiling

And the water in the glass

Except now I'm fading and yet--still solid

If you really want me to go away

If that's what this is really all about

Then all you have to do

Is find the energy within yourself

To create a new condition, okay?

Okay?

No, I can't explain entropy to you

I lack the ability

To do so

You have to know what it is

To make it happen

That's the major problem

With entropy

Yet Another Opportunity for Spiritual Growth

I have to remember
That I am being told something

I am being sent a message
About something

And I just need to accept
That the message may not be a DIRECT message

It may be an INDIRECT message
It may be what some would consider a VAGUE message

The message may even be in code

The point is, I am being told something
And I have to listen
To what I am being told

AND the odds are
I'm not being told
That I'm a complete shithead
Who deserves every bad thing that happens to him

I guess that COULD be the message
But it's unlikely

It's mostly unlikely

Probably very unlikely

Potentially speaking

And yet, here I am

In my car

In a swamp

It's one thing to drive off the road
Because a deer jumps out at you

But it's another thing to drive off the road
Into a swamp

Where the water is so muddy
You can't even push your doors open to escape

So instead you wait for AAA to show up
With--

What?

What could they possibly have
That could fight this evil mud
I'm surrounded by?

Holy water, perhaps?

Still, I can't get discouraged

This is yet another opportunity for spiritual growth

The first opportunity came earlier tonight
When my mother asked me if I'm not married
Because I have erectile dysfunction like my father does

The second opportunity came when I got a text from my ex-girlfriend
Informing me that the baby she's carrying is NOT mine
But thanking me for getting so excited about it when I found out

And this would the third opportunity

My, all the opportunities just seem to be pouring down on me tonight

Aren't I lucky?

But what I don't understand

Although, again--

Message, coded, hidden--all possible

Still, what I don't understand is:

Isn't an opportunity supposed to be the chance to make a choice
And better your situation?

And if that's the case
What choice am I supposed to make here?

I can't get out of my car
I can't make the baby mine
I can't have a discussion with my mother about sex
Unless of course I want to rip a hole into the Universe as I understand it to exist
And send all of Earth careening into a metaphysical black hole

So what am I supposed to do?

Just wait for AAA to show up and--

...and...

Wait?

...Wait...

Wait

Okay

Okay, I'll wait

I'll just...wait

Only If I Squint

I can't see it

Richard, I'm looking at it
I can't see it

I mean I can see it
If I squint

Only if I squint

It's a giraffe?

Well, it looks like a giraffe

Richard, I'm looking a giraffe

It's what I'm seeing

Jesus?

No, I certainly don't see Jesus

I mean, I didn't know Jesus
Maybe he had a long neck
But I think I would have read about that somewhere

Richard, I love the painting
I just don't see why you're making me guess
What's in it

If Jesus is in it, great
But can't you just tell me that?

Why are you making me guess?

You know I'm not good at that sort of thing

It used to take me forever to find Waldo

Sweetie, I love that you make art
I just wish you wouldn't let me see it

Is there anything else in it?

Cherries?

Why is Jesus eating cherries?

No, I just figured the giraffe was wearing a ruby necklace

Well, those are some awfully large cherries, Richard

Do they have cherries in Nazareth?

They symbolize what?

Where does it say that?

Well then how was I supposed to know?

Actually, you know
If I squint

It almost looks like he's eating a peach
But not cherries

Only if I squint, mind you

He's standing on a what?

Ohhh...

Well, I THOUGHT that's what it was

Okay, now I see it

It's all making sense now

I wish you'd have pointed that out to me earlier

Now that only thing is clear

It's like a veil has been lifted, Richard
Like a dark veil of art has been lifted
And now I see it

Jesus the Giraffe
His body transformed
So he can reach himself into Heaven
Eating the cherries
That he'd never eat in life
Because his life was cut short

It's clear to me now

Clear as day

Why didn't you point out that he was standing on a step stool?

Gosh, Richard

You make everything so difficult

Ugh, my eyes hurt from all that squinting

Next time just show me the stool first
Before I go blind

Thursday Nights in High School

I used to do my homework
Eating microwave popcorn sprinkled with garlic salt
Sitting through the crappy NBC shows
In between the good NBC shows
Talking to my friends on the phone
About how hard the homework I wasn't doing is

I let my cat crawl on my textbook
And my keyboard
And in front of my tv
And hop on my bed
And bother me delightfully

I would revel in the anticipation of Friday
My favorite day
A day where you spend all day looking forward
To the days to come
I would anticipate my day of glorious anticipation

I would wait until everyone else was in bed
And then creep into the kitchen
For a last-minute ice cream
And essay writing session

What is a plant cell?

Ugh...

One night Mom crept in with me
And got a spoon for herself

She asked me about the boy I'd decided that night I didn't like
And I got her up to speed instead of giving her my usual--

'Mom, we're not talking about this.  It's weird.'

She let her spoon spin around in the melting vanilla cherry
And with her hair down and her make-up off
She looked just like me
And she looked beautiful
And all at once I accepted it

Beauty--hers, mine, family beauty

It was pretty cool

We whispered and when we thought we heard my Dad wake up, we laughed
Into the sleeves of our pajamas

'Mom, what's a plant cell?'
'A what?'
'A plant cell.'
'Is that even a real thing?'

Back to laughing into our pajamas

I'm not sure I ever finished that essay

But I remember going to bed
Just as the sounds of morning
Starting sliding underneath my blinds
And crawling into bed with me

Just as I was about to fall asleep
Mom came into my room
Picked up the empty popcorn bag
Lightly placed the cat at the foot of my bed
And whispered a kiss onto my forehead

Before quietly closing my bedroom door
And slipping quietly into the morning

Every Thursday night in high school wasn't like that
But when I find myself remembering

That's what I remember

Tragic Monkey Love

He was a wily one

That's the main thing I'd say about him
He's wily

They call him Butter
Because he likes Butter
But I just called him Mister

He'd walk up to me
Pick at my hair
Like he sees the gorillas do
In the next pen over

I told him they're picking for bugs
And that I don't have any bugs
Because of my fastidious nature
But he kept right on doing it

And I really didn't mind very much

Hard to mind
When he was putting his hand in mind
Leading me behind Grey Stone Wall #2
So the little kids on field trips wouldn't see us being affectionate

We weren't interested in being a Youtube video

Oh yes, I know all these terms

Our handlers are people, after all
And people talk
And they talk to us

I listen, Mister didn't

He called them Johnny Two Legs or Sally Stand Up
But it was just his way of teasing them
And they didn't him understand anyway
So what harm was there?

I heard them when they talked about him being sick
I heard them, but...

I didn't say anything to Mister
Because he didn't know

He knew that he couldn't run as fast
Or climb Brown Tree #4 as much
But he thought he was just getting older

The last time we were together
It was nighttime

I think they wanted to take him that day
But the handler I call Chris
Saw the look on my face
And told the other handlers
They would take Mister in the morning instead
Because he'd be in a better mood after a good night's sleep

I think he looked at me and understood
That I needed to say good-bye
And for that, I'm grateful

We sat up, Mister and I
And talked about what we think
The rest of the zoo must be like

I've heard talk about a machine that makes candy out of cotton
And somewhere beyond that, handlers say there are lions

I'd like to see a lion
Not up close, of course
But perhaps standing outside the pen
With the 3rd graders
Looking in

I told that to Mister
And Mister told me he'd like to keep seeing me
And I thought that was sweet

He rested his head against me
And went to sleep

I heard one of the handlers say that we were in love
Mister and I
And that what was happening was tragic

Because they were hoping we'd mate and breed
And now they'd have to find another adult male
And the odds that I'd mate with him would be small

They're right, of course
Normally they would be small
But I'll mate with whomever they bring
Because I want to give the handlers what they want
They've been so good to me

And I'd like a child

Don't ask me why
But I feel like even with another father
Any child of mine
Would still look a little like Mister

And because of that, I don't think our love is all that tragic

That, and he went with me that night
In his sleep
With his head resting in my lap

I told you he was wily

You never could predict
What he was going to do

I know it's not a happy ending

But for two simple monkeys in a zoo
It's not bad

It's really not

Bible Study and Hennessy

If you look at what it's saying here
Well, it's...

I mean it's saying about love
You know?

Love, it's talking about
Why it's okay because it's love

I mean, I can't find--
You know you're asking me for...

I'm not a Bible expert, you know?
I'm not saying...

Can I have a drink?

Yeah, just the Hennessy is fine
I just can't think straight

No, I'm not going to think straight drunk
But one drink isn't going to make me--

Okay, two drinks, four, whatever
I'm nervous, okay?

Because I'm worried about you
Because I'm worried you think it's...

And yeah, I know the parts about it being--
I know those parts

But there are more parts about love, right?
Aren't there more parts about love?

Yeah, I know--
Well, I meant, not like, actual love

Just love like positive good feelings
Like, universal good energy love

Like, uh...fuck...sorry...I just...

Can I have that drink, please?
Thank you

. . . . .

Are you saying you don't?
Are you saying you don't think that this is...

Because I do
I do

I mean, I'm scared
I'm totally fucking--sorry--scared

But what...uh...you know?
Like what?

Yeah, I'm a little drunk, so what?
So what?  Okay?  So what?

I really--I...

Yeah!  Yeah, I do!  I do!  Fuck!

. . . . .

And fuck you too

. . . . .

I'm not coming here anymore

I'll still see you if you want
If you want to...hang out
Whatever

But I'm not coming here
To do this anymore

I'm not looking through this book
For proof that I'm a sinner
Or redeemable
Or of worth
Or the Devil
Or human

I don't need this book
To tell me who I am

And I'm not going to just open it up
And pick a sentence
And try to determine whether or not
It's telling me that I can love you

That it's...uh...okay, you know?

Because I think it is

I think it is

I think it's okay

And I could pick up Green Eggs and Fucking Ham, sorry, fuck, UGH!

I could pick up War and Peace and do the same damn thing

But really, it's just about what I know
And not letting books
Or people
Or churches
Or anything

Any fucking thing

Tell us this is good or bad

It just...

It's...

I need another drink

I just--I really need another drink

Or you

I could take you or the drink

I mean, it's up to you

You tell me

Do I have to keep being a miserable fucking drunk looking for salvation
Or can I just have you?

Well?

. . . . .

Well, we're out anyway
So...

So yeah

Open up the book one more time

Put your finger down

See what it lands on

Just out of curiosity

It'll be like my fortune cookie
For the road

Go ahead

Do it

. . . . .

What'd you land on?

Huh?

...Wow

That's...

...Wow

Imagine landing on 'love'

Well...

I think this is when you tell me
What you think that means

Making Out and Making Up in Kennedy Plaza

Uli, I gotta tell you something

When we were fighting today
I felt everything inside me turn black

It was like my whole soul
Got put in a toaster
For like, way too long

I went into the Starbucks in--

Oh, the Biltmore Starbucks
Not the Hilton Starbucks

So there I was in the Biltmore Starbucks
And it just reminded me of that time we went skating at the ice skating rink
And then got chider at the Biltmore Starbucks
And I got so upset
That I started walking
And I walked all the way to the Thayer Starbucks
But there's never anywhere to sit in there
Plus Thayer always reminds me of when we'd get tortellini pizza at 1am
So then I had to leave and start walking again
And I wound up at the Wayland Square Starbucks
And then I felt kind of better
Until I remembered that I had to catch my bus
And I had to walk all the way down here
And I didn't even remember to get a second chider
Which probably would have reminded me of you and made me upset anyway

God, just kiss me
I'm so fucking internalized right now

All I can hear is my own narration

. . . . .

And then I saw you and it was like kismet

What were the odds we'd both be at Kennedy Plaza
Waiting for the same bus?

I mean I know we used to take the same bus everyday
But you'd think one of us would have stopped after the break-up

Probably you, because I mean, I took the bus first
But whatever

I'm just so glad we finally stopped fighting what cliched people call Fate
And gave into each other

Mmmm, your mouth tastes like clove cigarettes and black licorice

Never leave me again

Unless you end up taking that trip to London
In which case, totally leave me so I don't hold you back
And make you resent me
Just write me letters on dried parchment every week
So we can compile our correspondence one day
For future generations

Did you miss me today?

What did you do?

The Hilton Starbucks?

Jesus, Uli

It's like I don't even know you anymore

Leaving the Priesthood

I have come to you today
With sad news

Sad for you
Sad for me

Sad...for God

I am leaving the priesthood

No, it's not what you think

There's no big scandal involved

God is still very much in my life
As a matter of fact
It's God who told me to leave

Yes, God has spoken to me

Like the burning bush
I received a sign
A message, if you will

It came to me from this...

My friends, meet...Bo

Yes, a puppet

Mrs. Follett, the woman who normally does CCD storytime
Had an unfortunate hair loss emergency on Sunday
Something involving scissors
And her two-year-old going through a rebellious phase

So I offered to do Storytime
And that was when I met Bo

As soon as I put him on my hand
I heard the voice of our Lord
Speak to me

God said--'Ken, it's time to go'

Oh, I can see your disbelieving faces

But let me ask you this

Every week I stand up here
And preach to you about miracles

You nod your heads
You put money in the collection plate
You enjoy hearing about miraculous acts of God

And yet all of you have determined that miracles are no longer possible

I can only assume that means you don't believe in miracles
Past or present
Which means you probably don't believe anything I say up here
So why are you here?

I asked Bo that

I said, 'Bo, why do they come here if they think it's all a lie?'
And God through Bo said--

Well, I suppose that's between me and Bo
I decided if I came here today
And you all accepted my miracle
That I'd stay and help you have your own
But Bo told me it wouldn't happen and...it hasn't
So I'm leaving

I'll miss you all

Please believe me, I'm not crazy
I'm...

I'm actually
At peace

I hope you find that for yourselves
Sadly there aren't anymore puppets
In the playroom of the church

But I'm optimistic

Bo tells me
You're all going to be
Just fine

When the Money's Gone, So Am I

Joe, let's get something straight
Before we begin this little adventure

When the money's gone
So am I

Now I don't know how much you have
In that little brown bag of yours
But it looks like enough to keep us both busy
For a couple of hours

Then again, those could be all ones

But I have a feeling they're not

You do this long enough
You get to the point where you can smell a hundred
From a few doors down

You want a drag?

You don't look nervous
But maybe you are
If you're not
Why aren't you?

Got any other paper bags lying around here?

You gonna talk?
I don't mind talking
I don't ask what I'm getting paid for
I just take the cash at the end

But you realize the longer I stay
The more you pay

You know that, don't you?

Are you aware of that, Joe?

Joe, stop playing with the ring
And look at me

Now I'm willing to marry you
But you gotta give me something to work with here

How often are you going to want me to make dinner?
How many times a week are you taking me out to corporate functions so I can smile at your boss?
How frequently do you expect sex from me, Joe?

These are things we should discuss

Because this is going to be an arrangement
And in that way, it's no different than your typical marriage
We're just going to be a little bit clearer about certain things
For one thing, I like security
For another, I don't like being poor

So however much you have in that bag
Is going to be the determination
Of just how long forever is

I'll be a good wife
Because I'll have incentive to be

Isn't that refreshing?

But Joe, if for any reason
Your job situation becomes perilous
Or the economy takes another nosedive

I plan on getting out while the getting's good

And it won't be anything personal
If that helps

It'll just be what we agreed upon

No surprises

But until then, it'll be wedded bliss

Now c'mon, Joe

Tell me that's not a good deal

Fifty-Seven and a Half Apologies Later

Fifty-seven apologies ago
I was still sort of sure
I wanted to be here right now

I was fairly confident
That I would sit here all night
And wait for you to forgive me

Oddly enough
I am now at the fifty-eighth apology
And to be honest, this is it

This is the last one you're getting

And I'm only saying that
Because I get the feeling
That you're willing to forgive me
You're just not sure when to forgive me

Well, here's the thing
If you're going to forgive me
Why not just do it?

Why wait around to see what number I'm willing to hit
Or how eloquent my atonement can be?

Why not just grant me your golden forgiveness
So that we can actually begin to work on fixing this already?

Because we're gaining nothing right now
We're going nowhere
We're breaking down
I can feel us
Breaking down

What is it you're trying to prove?

Fuck

What am I trying to prove?

The truth is...

I want your forgiveness
But I don't really want...you

I mean, I don't want you back

I want to end this with respectability
And a nice sense of closure
But if you're not willing to give me that
Well, I'm still going to leave

I did what I did
And I'm owning that
And there's no exception there
I'm not going to say 'but you know'
I'm just sorry

And if that sorry
If that first sorry
Wasn't good enough for you
Then why would the fifty-eighth sorry be?

Clearly you have a number in your head
So why don't you just tell me what it is
So that maybe we can negotiate it down
So neither of us has to stay up all night
Trying to look right at this thing
And act like we don't see it

I'm sorry

I'm really tired
I fucked up
I'm not always a good person
I hate myself sometimes
I didn't mean to hurt you--and I mean that

...And I don't love you anymore

That's it isn't it?

That's why you won't accept what I'm saying

Because all this time
I've been apologizing for the wrong thing

Regarding My Large Ass

Regarding my large ass

I heard you commenting on it
As I passed by you just now
While I was headed to the dressing room
To try on some jeans

A not altogether pleasant experience for me

First of all,
I can't imagine my ass is all that unattractive
Since you seemed to not only recognize it
But comment on it

As to whether or not it's large

I suppose it is

But it's been my experience
That when men comment on how large a woman is
It's normally because they're trying to draw attention away
From how small they are

Regarding what you can do to my ass
Well, I am a lady after all

Otherwise I would instruct you to either kiss it, kiss your own
Or kiss the ass of the man standing next to you
I detect a slight air of homoerotic tension between the two of you
And since we are in American Eagle
There's a good chance I'm not far off

Regarding whether or not you've ruined my day
With your insensitive comment
I'd say my day is slightly tarnished
But my day is merely a mark on the overall graph of my life
And the lines on that graph are mainly in the upper quadrant
So I don't suppose I can complain very much

I can only imagine, however
That your life graph
Resembles the employment statistics
For an abandoned factory town
Or a deserted island

I would imagine that if we lined up your life graph
With a graph showing how often you have sex
The two graphs would look fairly similar

Again, these are all guesses

Regarding what I'm going to do with the rest of my day

I'll be buying those jeans
Because believe it or not
My large ass looked quite good in them

I'll then go home to my husband
Who enjoys my large ass very much
And make out with him on our couch
Right before we watch a movie
Or just enjoy each other's company

As to what you're going to do with the rest of your day
I couldn't even venture to guess

Perhaps just stand around a store
And continue to make nasty comments
Under your breath?

My, what a busy schedule you have

Well, I have to be off

I'd have left this note on a piece of paper
But I couldn't seem to find one

Luckily, you got out of your car in the parking lot
Just as I was getting out of mine

You drive a big car

Again, compensation, perhaps?

It's actually wonderful that it's so big
Because there was plenty of room to write this note
In the black permanent marker I keep on me at all times

I don't know just how permanent it is
But they weren't predicting rain today
So I imagine this note will be still be here
When you've finished your busy day
Of not buying anything
And cracking jokes
From behind the sales rack

Perhaps other women will walk by and see the note as well

In case that happens
And they have something they'd like to add
I'm going to leave the marker here

Maybe one of them will leave you her phone number

Oh, I'm sorry
That was a joke
A cruel joke, on my part
Because I'm nearly certain that won't happen

Jokes can be hurtful, can't they?

We have to be so careful
With our words

I'm sure after today
That's something you'll learn

Snow in Hell

Hey Everybody!

Could you listen up?

I know it's Thursday
And that's usually when you all have to lug rocks up and down the hills of Eternity
While the Brimstone licks at your feet
But today...

Uh...

Well, I don't know how to say this

But...it's snowing

Yup, snowing

I'm not kidding

I just came back from the fiery gates
And there's about three inches up there

That can only mean one thing

Sarah Nobletick agreed to go with Don Strappard to the prom

I knew this day would come

When I fell from Heaven
And set this place up
The previous owner told me
The only thing I had to worry about
Was that one day a girl named Sarah Nobletick would be born

A beautiful, vivacious, popular girl

And that one day, a boy named Don Strappard would be born
An awkward, gawky, timid boy

And yet, somehow this boy might one day be able to muster up the nerve
To ask this gorgeous girl to the prom
The social event of the year at Tanner High School
And she might say yes
And in the event of that happening

It would snow in hell

Well, obviously, I wasn't all that concerned

I mean, look at the odds

So many other things were more likely to happen then that

Pigs flying
Raining frogs
Shakespeare in Love winning Best Picture...

...Well, that, but, yeah...

And when most of that stuff didn't happen
I thought, Great!

We're home free!

But then today...

I don't know what happened

When Sarah first heard that he wanted to ask her
She said--

'No chance in Hell'

And you all live down here
Do you see a chance anywhere?

Exactly!

But then he asked her
And I guess he looked sort of...puppy dog -ish
And she thought he looked sweet
And he got a rose
Which was actually a really smart move on his part
Because Sarah totally loves roses
Even though that's totally cliche
But whatever

And he gave it to her
And suddenly--

It's snowing

Which is great news for all of you

You're supposed to be burning down here
But I'd imagine it's going to be hard to keep you all burning
With snowflakes coming down on top of you
So for today
And ONLY for today
As a sort of special treat
You will be allowed...to freeze

Enjoy

And hope that Don doesn't get up the courage to kiss her
Otherwise who knows what will happen

Tony Hooper's Wonderful Life

Hi, my name is Tony Hooper
And I'm here to save Christmas

First of all, you should know
That my family has a tradition

Every year on Christmas Eve
We watch It's a Wonderful Life

It's a movie about a guy who has lots of bad luck
And at the end an angel shows him
What life would have been like
If he wasn't born

If my brother hadn't been born
I'd have my room all to myself

That's my first of all

Second of all, my Dad wasn't feeling very Christmas-y this Christmas

His company has been doing really bad
And he had to fire a lot of his friends

Then the week before Christmas
We found out he might get fired too

Well, I didn't so much find out
As I did 'learn' when I listened in on him and my mom
Talking in the kitchen

My mom says I'm nosey
But I happen to think it's the same size
As the rest of my face

On Christmas Eve, my dad had to work all day
And when he came home
He went right into his bedroom and shut the door

'Mom,' I said, 'Doesn't Dad know we have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life."'
'Tony,' she said, 'I don't think he's going to watch it with us this year.'

WHAT?!?!?

'But every year I get really nervous when Harry falls into the pond, and then Dad tells me that I've seen the movie a million times and Harry lives so quit worrying because he always misses the part where the angels talk because I'm so busy having an anxiety attack over whether or not Harry will die of hippothermia. It's tradition!'

Well, my Mom gave me a kiss on the head
And then she went inside her bedroom
To talk to my dad

That's when my perfectly fine-shaped nose
Went to work

I couldn't hear them at first
But then I heard my Dad say--

'What do you want me to do? Pretend I love Christmas? Well, I don't. I hate Christmas. Do you realize we couldn't afford to get Tony most of the stuff on his list? And we can't afford to go to Disney next summer like we promised him. And we're behind on our bills. And I fired a guy last week with two kids and another one on the way. Where do you see Christmas? Can you tell me? We could be broke by this time next year. It's bad enough the world's gone to hell, and people are losing their houses, and everybody's miserable, but now we all have to pretend we're not and put up a tree and act like blind people for a whole month? Well, I'm not doing it. I'm going to sit in this room and not come out until Christmas is over. Because how can I...how can I...What if I lose my job? What am I going to tell Tony? How am I going to tell him that? It's bad enough that he has to grow up, but now I have to tell him that there's no more Christmas.'

. . . . .

I didn't know what to do

I never heard my Dad talk like that before

Then I heard my mom start to cry
So I went into the living room

What was I going to do?

If everybody in the family was going to give up on Christmas
That meant it was up to me to save it

That's when I looked at the tv
And guess what was on?

Yup--my third of all

. . . . .

An hour later, my dad was still in his bedroom
When he heard the singing

He looked out his window
And there we all were

My grandma and grandpa
My friends from school
And their moms and dads and grandmas and grandads
My third grade teacher Mrs. Brugel
Our neighbors
And everybody else on the list of emergency contact numbers
My mom leaves on the table in the hall

I called them all

Because what's a bigger emergency than not having a Christmas?

My dad came outside looking pretty surprised

Even more surprised than the time he found me
Using his Cuban cigars as Russian submarines in the pool

'Tony, what is this?'

Before I could answer
Everybody started singing a Christmas carol

It was pretty loud
So I got up real close to Dad
So he could hear me

'You said you hated Christmas, Pop, but I don't think you do. I think you just forgot what Christmas is all about.'

My Dad leaned down and gave me a big hug

'How'd you get so smart with a bum like me for an old man?'
'You're no bum, Pop. You just forgot how rich you are.'

I turned around and pointed to all the people who came to help
Just because I called them and told them how upset my Dad was

'Remember what the angel told George. Nobody's poor who has friends. And you have more friends than all the people in that movie. Just be careful being friends with Fat Pants. If you loan him your Destructo Man pencil, you'll never see it again.'

My Dad laughed
Which is good
Because that meant he was back in the Christmas spirit

'Merry Christmas, Pop'
'Merry Christmas, Tony'

And even though it was pretty loud
With all the people singing in our front yard
I think somewhere

I heard a bell ring

The Not So Vegas Love Story

Hi, this is my husband

His name?

Oh, I don't have any idea what his name is

It really doesn't matter

I just need you to marry us

Well, I've only known him for about--

What, honey?

Twelve hours?

Yeah, that sounds about right

You see, we got married in Reno last night

That's the thing

I absolutely refuse to get married in Reno

I was on my way to Vegas
Where I fully intended to get shitfaced
With my friend Crazy Beth

As you can imagine, Crazy Beth is rather crazy
And when I'm around her
Crazy things happen

So I did take into consideration that by Monday
I might be married to a complete stranger
But my car broke down in Reno
And I made the mistake of going into a hotel
And having a few drinks at the bar

That's when I met the mister here
And what do you know?

We're married

The thing is, I refuse to marry a stranger in Reno
That's just tacky

So I woke him up today
After I realized who he was
And what I'd done
And I picked up my car from the mechanic I found
And drove us here to Vegas
So that we could have a proper
Disgraceful wedding

Crazy Beth is in jail
So she couldn't be here today
But I have her on speakerphone

She gets a phone call, you know

And she used it for this
Isn't that sweet?

She's my maid of honor

I mean, as much as someone can be
When they're locked up
For peeing on a craps table

Hey, at least she didn't crap on the table

I mean, considering they call it a craps table
You'd have to say they were asking for it

Hmm?

Oh no, I have no intention of staying married to this man

The whole reason I came to this place
Is because you do instant annulments
And I'm going to want one of those
As soon as you're done remarrying us

Don't get me wrong
He's a lovely man

And by lovely, I mean
When I woke up next to him
He was unconscious, smelled like moldy potpourri
And was still incredibly attractive

But still, this can't last

It's one thing to get married in Vegas
After a night of drunken passion
But to get married in Reno, then remarried in Vegas
Then stay married is just not what I had in mind

I mean, I'm from Tucson for godsakes
We just don't do that sort of thing

Hmm?

Well, I suppose I do like him a little bit

He did give me gas money to get here
And he's offered to pay for Crazy Beth's bail
Although I'm not sure how much that will be

Is peeing on a craps table a felony or a misdemeanor?

Keep in mind, while she was peeing
She was singing 'Me and Bobby McGee'
So that might upgrade the crime

Love?

At first sight?

I suppose it's possible

Although when I first sighted him at the hotel bar
All I remember thinking is--

I bet that stupid guy is really good in bed.

But then again, I'm not getting any younger
And he's hot enough to make most of my girlfriends jealous
Which is mainly what I'm looking for in a partner

Hmm...

This is tricky

You've really given me a lot to think about here

This isn't the Vegas love story I was expecting

But maybe that's what makes it so perfect?

I'll tell you what

We're going to keep our Reno marriage for now

I'll bring him back to Tucson with me
Figure out what his name is
And go from there

After we bail out Crazy Beth, of course

If it doesn't work out
Then we'll come back here
And get that second wedding certificate slash annulment

Sound good?

Excellent

Now I just need to figure out
What I'm going to tell my boyfriend
When I get back home