Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

If you want to know who Jim was sleeping with

While he was the AD at the Orpheus

All you have to do is look at

Who was playing the best roles

Me?  I had  a lot of good roles back then

They were good when he wanted to sleep with me

And they got even better when I—

Ha ha ha…

You know, uh, before we get started

I should mention something

I may be appearing to you now

As this, you know, kid

But, I’m currently a grown man

With kids

A wife

So clearly, I’m not, you know, gay

But if you wanna know

If I did some things I’m not proud of

To get a few good roles

Then fuck yeah, I did

The best one being Brick in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

I wanted that role

Like you can’t imagine

Up until then

I’d been playing all these bit parts

Because Sarah, the old AD

Thought I sucked

That bitch

May she rest in peace

But when Jim came in

I knew I had a friend on my side

And by friend

I meant, somebody I could actually flirt my way around

Our first gay Artistic Director

Even though Beau was pretty much gay

Aside from all the women he slept with

The thing is, all Artistic Directors give good roles

To the people they want to sleep with

They can’t help themselves

Beau had a new girl every season

Beth had her little man crushes

So did Sarah

Hell, Enrico used to split roles in half

And then have threeways with the girls

He’d just screwed over

No pun intended

So yeah, when everybody was whispering behind my back

That right after it was announced I’d be playing Brick

Somebody saw my car in Jim’s driveway

I felt like saying—Damn right, and you’re all just jealous

Because none of you got there first

What?  Was I supposed to be ashamed?

Was there another route I was supposed to have taken?

Was I supposed to rely on my talent?

Have you been to a movie lately?

Watched tv?

Listened to music?

Do you find yourself saying—

‘My, what an amazing group of talented people!’

No!

You know why?

Because none of them are

Because none of them have to be

Because all of them did what I did

But to greater excess

And to more important people

Of course, Jim promised me the moon

And the fuckin’ stars

Because, of course, he fell in love with me

And I, of course, got freaked out

Because, of course, blowjobs I could handle

But an actual thing with a guy twice my age

So I could keep getting roles

Was a little—

So I took off 

Went to New York

Tried my shit out there

Got my shit handed back to me

Came home to find Jim

With a new boy

And, at this point, I’m not as cute as I used to be

As you see me now, rather

So that’s that

I move on

To what?

Huh

Do you care?

I mean, do you really care?

It was the past

Ancient history

But that’s what it was

That’s what that theater was

A whole lot of fuckin’ users

Who were just lookin’

To use each other up

That’s the story

The true

That’s the absolute truth

You know what I tell my kids about that place?

I tell ‘em if they ever go near a theater

I’ll beat the shit out of them

And they know I mean it too

I just wish I had somebody warn me like that

Back before I got all

Used up