The Desperate Hours

You probably don’t know

The Desperate Hours

You’ve been hearing about shows you know

Shakespeare

Chekhov

Things you’re familiar with

But you probably aren’t familiar

With The Desperate Hours

But you’re probably thinking

What a great title

And it is

A great title

In 2008, the Orpheus Theater

Stopped being a corporation

It had stopped being a theater

A long time before that

And in 2008

It became a cult

Suddenly, everybody was saying

The same things

Suddenly everybody decided

That we were geniuses

That the theater was a landmark

And that we should start celebrating ourselves

Every year

So Tennessee created an award

And the Board named the award

After Tennessee’s father Beau

Who, believe it or not, is still alive

Beau came back to the theater

To accept the first award

That would also be named after him

And I was his liason

The first thing he said

When he got to the Orpheus

After having been away from it

For, literally, decades?

What the hell have you people

Done to my theater

The second thing he said?

And what the hell is The Desperate Hours?

The reason I bring up The Desperate Hours

Is because nobody

I repeat, nobody

Had bothered to read that script

A literary intern read it

Then gave it to the head of the literary department

Who, because he was going on vacation

Gave it to Tennessee’s assistant

Who liked the title

So she gave it to Tennessee

He read the first page

Decided it seemed okay

Gave it to the Board

To see what they thought

They also liked the title

And someone’s nephew had done it in college

And said it was good

And so it landed on our mainstage

Let me summarize for you:

A show that nobody read

Except a college sophomore

Who was interning at the theater

In between getting stoned and writing bad poetry

Somehow

Wound up

On our mainstage

I only know this

Because in addition to being Beau’s liason

I was that literary intern

I liked that show

But I knew nobody would read it

And I also knew nobody reading it

Would be the show’s best chance

At getting picked for the season

And I was right

And I liked the title

I didn’t get any credit, of course

But I did get the satisfaction of knowing

That when people were saying—

‘What an interesting show.  How ever did they find it?’

And everybody at the theater said

‘Well, we’re geniuses.  It’s just what we do’

And I, in my own little mind, would think to myself

I did that, you assholes

I did that

So that’s my little secret

But please

Tell whomever you like

Nobody will believe you

 I mean, look at me

I’m stoned right now

And I’m not even out of college

And I still know more about what goes on at that theater

Than the Artistic and Executive Directors

Scary, isn’t it?

Like I said

It’s a cult

Cults are scary

But I’m sure you already knew that