They brought in one of those European assholes
In 1982, at the beginning of the season
It was the 80’s
European assholes were in
Remember, this was the decade
Of Andrew Lloyd Webber
I was a subscriber back then
But that season—oof
Did you see that season?
Or are some of you too young?
Or maybe you blocked it out
Like I did
That was also the year
My husband left me
For his secretary
That was something else
People did in the 80’s
Left their wives
For their secretaries
Now they leave ‘em for their stepdaughters
Don’t be offended, it’s true
You can’t be offended by the truth
That’s why it’s the truth
Now, if you want to talk about offensive
Let’s talk about what that asshole Artistic Director
Did to The Tempest
I knew I was in trouble
When I looked in the program
And saw that his name was Enrico
Nobody named Enrico
Ever did anything worth seeing
Trust me on that one
But I think to myself—
Well, how bad can it be?
It’s The Tempest
Little did I friggin’ know
First off, everybody was naked
Everybody
I’ve never seen so many naked people in my life
And I went to Sarah Lawrence
(Draw your own conclusions)
Then there was all this flipping and toppling
I didn’t know I bought a ticket to a gymnastics tournament
And then—and here’s the clincher
The puppets
Whenever somebody puts puppets onstage
And there aren’t any kids in the audience
I assume they’re mentally deranged
Puppets do not belong
Near adult theater
Especially not when there’s naked people
Running around everywhere
God only knows what could happen
You know, I was married to my husband twenty-two years
And a subscriber to that theater for twenty
And it was a nice little life
Then all of a sudden, I’m single
I’m living alone
And the theater I go to
Is showing me tits and puppets
Like it’s nothing
Like I’m not supposed to be all upside down
About it
Needless to say, I cancelled my subscription
And took up knitting instead
Oh, and my husband got run over
By a pick-up truck
But that’s not really here or there
It just adds an uplifting slant
To the story
I never went back to the Orpheus Theater
And to be honest
I didn’t miss it
One bit
All that brave new world stuff
Just wasn’t for me
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