The Learned Ladies

We got a new Artistic Director

For the thirty-first season

That was, oh God, that was—

1994—The fall of 1994

That’s right

Because we were opening with The Learned Ladies

That was when Samantha showed up

Now, I was thrilled

To have a woman running the place again

Because, in my opinion

And this is just my opinion, but—

When Sarah and Beth were running things

I felt like everything went a lot smoother

Than when, you know, the men were in charge

That’s just my opinion

But I think the numbers back me up

Jim left that place in shambles

Enrico was a fraud

And Beau screwed up not once

But twice

Samantha was Artistic Director Number Six

But I sort of thought of her as Number Seven

Because of Beau leaving and then coming back

So I thought—Great!  Lucky Seven!

Figures I was the first one

Samantha fired

I have to say though

It was the nicest firing

I’ve ever encountered

She sat me down and said—

‘I think you’re a lovely person

And a terrible actress’

Nobody had ever said that to me before

It was true, but nobody had ever said it

I’d been with the company since it first started

And nobody ever thought I was any good

But nobody ever did anything about it

Because, you know, I’m nice

I’m a nice person

So they just sort of let me

Hang around

Believe it or not, it was sort of a relief

When Samantha fired me

I’d been waiting for decades

For that other shoe to drop

Show after show

Artistic Director after Artistic Director

Firing after firing

And then in comes Samantha

And out I go

Thank God, I thought

It’s finally happened

So what was so nice about the way I got fired?

After it was done

Samantha took me to this company meeting that she’d called

And in front of everyone

She put her arm around me

And told the entire company

That even though she had begged me to stay

I was insisting that it was time for me

To leave the Orpheus

Everyone was sad—to see me go, I mean

But there was also this sort of, like, good riddance look

On their face

Like this was a long time coming

Which it was

Samantha threw me a big farewell party

And dedicated that season to me

She never told anybody I was fired

And neither did I

Until just now

She really cared about people

But ultimately

She cared about the theater more

Which is how it should be

People will pull you down if you let them

So every once in awhile

You gotta kick one or two off of you

And I…well, I needed to be kicked off

But you know, I’m the only person ever fired

From that theater

To get her own plaque on the wall

In the upstairs lobby

That’s how bad Samantha felt about the whole thing

Isn’t that sweet?

I know she fired me and all

But I really liked her

It’s too bad

She thought I was a terrible actress

If not for that, I think we could have been

Great friends