The Marriage of Bette and Boo

I remember

The last thing I asked Jim for

Was the role of Bette

In The Marriage of Bette and Boo

He’d mentioned doing it

And then it got pushed back a season

But I remember hearing the title and saying—

‘Please let me play Bette’

And the thing is

I didn’t ask for roles

I never asked for roles

Or for anything really

So this was sort of me

Calling in my one—thing, you know?

Favor—but not really?

You know what I mean?

And he said ‘Uh, well, um, uh, we’ll read you for it’

Which meant he was going to give it to someone else

Because Jim thought I was the worst actress

He’d ever seen

And the only reason he didn’t get rid of me

Was because, for the most part

I could keep peace within the acting company

And that was no small feat

Believe me

Then I go to New York, on this whim

I audition for this show

I get it, which, in and of itself, is insane

I mean, I went into shock when I found out

I’d be working in New York

So imagine how I felt after the Broadway transfer

And the move adaptation

And getting cast in that

And then the nomination

And then—dun dun DUN!—The Oscar

And then Jim

Jim Powers

With balls the size of bullshit-filled melons

Has the audacity

To contact my agent

And ask if I still want to play Bette

As some sort ‘fundraiser thing’

For the theater

And that’s not unusual

My friend Christina Marks

Who was on the cover of People

For making out with a girl

And then tattooing the word

‘Love me’ on her forehead

Had the same thing happen to her

Girls like us get stepped on by the gay assholes in the theater

So we go to Hollywood

Where the straight assholes sleep with us instead

At least in Hollywood

They give you awards

Before they toss you in the garbage

I called Jim after my agent told me about his offer

I did—I called him

Because there was something I always wanted to know

I said—‘Jim, when I was the your acting company, did you actually think I was any good?’

‘Now, Jim,’ I said, ‘Before you answer me, I just want you to know one thing:  If you tell the truth, no matter what it is, I’ll come back and do Bette, but if you lie, I’m hanging up this phone and that’ll be the last you hear of me.’

There was a pause

Then a throat clearing

Then he said—

‘No, I didn’t think you were any good’

And you know…

I kinda knew it

I kinda knew that he didn’t think  I was any good

That hardly anybody in that company did

And even though that Oscar should have made me feel better about it

It really didn’t, because…

Because the truth is

I didn’t think I was very good

Even after I got that award

It’s not like I became some great actress

Just by doing a movie

When it comes to acting

Experience doesn’t always equal improvement

Even after all that success

I was still the same actress I was

When I was getting shitty roles

At the Orpheus

So when he said ‘No, you weren’t any good’

I…

I just sort of nodded

But true to my word

I did not just hang up on him

First I told him to go fuck himself

Then I hung up on him

Hollywood may not have made me a better actress

But it sure as hell made me a better liar