The Lower Depths

The last show I ever saw

At the theater I started

Was The Lower Depths

By Gorky

Not exactly an uplifting theatrical experience

But…

I was given the opportunity

After a successful return

To a theater I’d been driven out of once

To drive myself out

So as to avoid embarrassment

Even though, at that point

It was already too late

I’d driven home a girl

While slightly inebriated

And we crashed into a store

A piece of glass

From the store window

Came down through the roof of my convertible

And it, uh…

Well, use your imaginations

I’m lucky I wasn’t thrown in jail

I had very good lawyers back then

Shakespeare said ‘Kill all the lawyers’

I always was more of an Ibsen man

Do you hear it?

Do you hear my pretentious

Academic, artistic

Know-it-all tone?

I can’t help it

You become an Artistic Director

And you adopt this tone

You can’t stop yourself

You become insufferable

Do you know what I gave up for that theater?

Can you even begin to comprehend

What I gave up

So I could give

So I could give to others

The gift, that wonderful gift

Of theater?

I’m not being facetious here

On the contrary

What I gave—for years

Was thrown away

Tossed

Because I had a few too many one night

And, in the process of doing a good deed

An innocent person was hurt

I’m not trying to devalue what happened

Devalue?  Is that what I mean to say?

Can someone—

Jesus

I used to be good at this

At speaking

At speech

I was good

I gave up my marriage

For this

A good marriage

My son

So I could have this stage

So I could share this

So I could give good people

Talented people

The opportunity TO SPEAK!

I gave up years of my life

And connection

So many connections

Relationships

Because I was better alone

Because I was better off

Doing it all on my own

You can’t begin to understand

How lonely it was

No wonder I fucking drank

You miserable…

I sat there

And watched a show

At my theater

Just sat there

Saying ‘this is it’

‘This is it’

And when the show was over I sat there

While others were clapping

I sat there

When the lights went out

I was still sitting there

I just faded away

That’s all I can remember

Just fading away into the darkness

And when the ghostlight came out

And came, I…

I wasn’t there

And then I wasn’t

I just…ceased to be

Even the lights couldn’t touch me

Anymore