With at least one guy
In every show I did
I don’t want you to think
I’m promiscuous or anything
After all
Sometimes it was the same guy
And I didn’t do it
For the sex
I did it
To calm the nerves
Some people drink
Some smoke
Some bake a lot
My oven’s been broken
Since the early 90’s
So making cupcakes
Isn’t really an option
Instead, I had a nice little showmance
With a nice guy
So that I could go onstage
Remember my lines
And not knock anything over
In the process
I was very discreet about it
And I didn’t let it get to the point
Where it affected my performance
Or the performance of whatever guy
I was involved with
So you see, I was very professional
About the whole thing
The only time I ever had a problem
Was in 1996
When I did Lend Me a
Tenor
At the Orpheus
And the guy I was seeing
Got a little too into me
And I made the mistake
Of breaking it off with him
Before the last performance
I thought he could handle it
I was wrong
He locked himself in the dressing room
And said he wouldn’t come out
Until I agreed to marry him
So I said, ‘What the hell?’
It had been a few years
Since I got married
There was a priest at the matinee
So we pulled him out of the audience
And he officiated
Even though the guy was Jewish
And I’m a polytheist
He married us
While my husband
Was still hiding in the dressing room
And when we came out
Everybody backstage cheered
Believe it or not
The marriage lasted a few days
Before the romance wore out of it
Nowadays, I just sleep with women
Recreationally, anyway
I’m not a lesbian anything
Again, it’s all to calm the nerves
Plus, it keeps things from getting
Complicated
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